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Boundaries

My New Year's Resolution

By The Schizophrenic MomPublished about a year ago 4 min read
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Boundaries
Photo by Josh Hild on Unsplash

Today is the start to a New Year.

I've had a rough couple of years. 2020 was a year of changes, a year of unknowns. 2021 was the year that I almost broke: I did things that I didn't think that I could ever do, I was forced to look deep inside myself and pull myself up to do all the things that needed done for my kids while their dad had a year of crisis. 2022 was supposed to be the year that I pulled myself back together and found my center again, but instead? 2022 was the year that shoved me so far out of my comfort zone that I know I can never go back. The last year that was so ... transformative ... was 2014. It ended up breaking me in 2015.

I have kids now. Being broken is simply not an option for me anymore. I spent the last several months telling my Mom that I don't have a choice but to do this thing or the next thing. Turns out, I do have a choice. And that is terrifying! *smile*

I could choose to crawl back into my safety space of my property after I was physically assaulted, after I have been threatened, and after I have started having intense nightmares again. But I like my walks and I enjoy not being caged. So I will continue to do so. Even if that scares me. My kids deserve me keeping this boundary for myself - and for them. There is more to life than our personal property.

I could choose to go back to being medicated before every outing to handle my anxiety and keep my negative symptoms under control. Or I can make a boundary around when I use the medication. You see, the medication has so many negative side effects: it makes me tired (which makes homeschooling a preschooler nigh impossible), gives me headaches (which in turn prevent me from driving at night), it messes with my mood and weight, and also makes me feel empty. However, it allows me to be in uncomfortable situations without feeling like ripping my skin off or running away screaming. *wink* So when it is the only option, I choose the medication in order to give my children their best life. But now, I have another option. I have Aurora. All of the benefits of medication without the tiredness, the moodiness, the headaches, and while letting me actually feel! *smile* So, I am making the choice to let go of the people or situations that would prefer me medicated. I don't think they are who I want in my life anyway. Note: I will still be using the medication when it is the only feasible alternative.

I could choose to stop writing and raising awareness. I know full well how many people I have made angry for daring to stand up and get louder when told to shut up. But that would mean that I would have to live with the thought that I let certain people not only bully me, but also allowed them to get stronger in pushing other people around.

I could choose to run away from the hard things life gives me. I could choose to not parent. I could choose to listen to those who told me (recently) that I would be better off if I was suicidal and that I should want to hurt myself. I could choose to give in to my fears. I could choose to crumble and allow myself to make my own world in my head (psychosis).

But instead I choose to hold myself to boundaries. Boundaries that I don't hold anyone else too because that feels like I am being mean and cold to others.

This year? This year I am choosing to hold boundaries with other people even though it is very uncomfortable to me.

This year I am choosing to protect my health and not take medication for other people's comfort level. To only do it when I need to take it to be the best me. If those who I thought loved me, stop loving me because I choose to utilize my service animal in lieu of medication, then did they ever truly love me? (Romans 12)

This year I am choosing to hold others accountable to similar guidelines as I hold myself to. Kindness, lovingness, peacefulness, doing what is right and standing up for it - even if it doesn't directly affect you, and being accountable for your own choices and the consequences of those choices. (1 Corinthians 13:4-7)

This year I am choosing to not live in fear. I know that I can roar. I know what is right and what is wrong. This year I am choosing to let my God direct my path to where I need to go. Even though I am terrified of letting go and trusting that He won't let me get broken. *smile* (Joshua 1:7-9)

That being said, I have to do my part... hence the boundaries. And the boundary for myself. People shouldn't be the reason I do or don't do things, say things, or think things. My God is. (Psalms 1:1-3)

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About the Creator

The Schizophrenic Mom

I am a mother of 2 precious angels who drive me slightly more crazy

than I already am with a diagnosis of schizophrenia.

When asked "are you crazy?!" my favorite come back is:

"yes! And I have the papers to prove it! How about you?" LOL

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  • Alisha Wilkinsabout a month ago

    2024 is the breaking year for me. I hope you have found peace and calming through the boundaries. Boundaries are so important and make so much more sense now. It's a shame I couldn't find my breaking point before now. Wishing you well.

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