Being an Essential Worker

One can stay with confidence that no one saw this coming, but we should've been prepared for it. On another note, how does one prepare themselves for a pandemic? Four months have passed and so much has changed in the world around us. For those of us that were considered essential workers, our work life was turned upside down. I work at a bakery and when the stay-at-home order was put into place, business slowed down dramatically. It was hard to accept that many employees were going to see a cut in their hours. This was before any talk of a stimulus check and hazard pay. It was the most anxious feeling I had personally felt in a long time. Having already dealt with anxiety on a day to day basis, I knew the only thing I could do was continuously acknowledge my emotions and let them pass through me. I am in control of my emotions and how I react to the situation. I can protect myself and my loved ones as long as I wear my mask and gloves. Then I found out that my co-worker tested positive for COVID-19. I had become so used to my new sense of normal at work, just for this to happen.

The Physical

The amount of stress that one can handle is detrimental to their physical health, as many tend to forget. I remember seeing a lot of people on social media expressing their issues with sleeping, fatigue, headaches, and stomach pains. It can already stressful to put a stop to your everyday routine, but the pandemic influenced a huge change in everyone's social lives. Many tend to lean on friends, colleagues, family members, and other loved ones but social distancing protocols called for us to self-isolate. Many people had to learn to use the technology available to us to stay in contact with those we love and depend on for comfort, advice, and acceptance. Those of us that are used to doing physical activities such as hiking and going to the gym had to exercise at home. I personally had let my stress get the best of me. The amount of stress I was feeling had delayed my menstrual cycle, which seldom occurs for me. Since I was sexually active at the time, I also knew there was a possibility that I was pregnant. Luckily, I wasn't. Going to work 5 days a week had put me in a constant state of anxiety and caution. I had started to envy those that were out of work because they were considered non-essential. I had lost sight of what a blessing it was to still be able to go to work. I had to find ways to relieve stress in a healthy way, in order to continue going to work without stressing myself out.

When I found out about a co-worker testing positive, I tried my best to stay positive (no pun intended) about the situation. It didn't look promising since she had just come back from a vacation in Arizona. I started thinking of all the different possibilities in which I could've been infected while at work. Did I do everything I could to keep myself safe? This co-worker left early because she wasn't feeling well and thought it was allergies. If this person wasn't feeling well then why did she come to work in the first place? To make the situation even more irritating, I had to hear about the situation from a trusted co-worker instead of my manager. I had to be upfront with my manger a few hours before coming into work because I had not heard from her yet. I gave her as much time as I could, but I did not feel safe stepping into that building with the lack of communication and actions to make the bakery safe. To make matters even worse, I was denied immediate testing at the emergency room because I wasn't showing any symptoms yet. I had to be showing symptoms in order to get tested and being exposed to someone that was positive wasn't enough. I understand how important it is to limit testing to those that sincerely need it, but it hurt to know that I wasn't one of those people.

The Emotional

I often find myself grateful of wearing a mask while at work because I was often scared, miserable, and upset with the situation I was in. I was easily irritable, overwhelmed, sad, angry and overall anxious when helping customers with their orders. I would overthink every situation. "Did I wipe down the counters already?" "I keep hearing my co-worker clear their throat, what if she's sick?" "What do I do if I get sick?" It was like there was too many tabs open in my brain. I found myself constantly questioning my actions and it was affecting my mood more than I had thought. I was on high-alert 24/7. When I noticed how moody I had become, I realized that I had to make a change. I couldn't continue to go to work with my emotions running rampant. My bakery started to get slammed with orders a few weeks before Mother's Day and it was a shock to all of us. It was touching to see that so many people were celebrating birthdays, graduations, weddings, baby showers, and sending sweet treats to those they care about. However, the customer always thinks they're right, even when they're not. No essential worker should be brought to tears because they were just doing their job. A co-worker of mine was upset that a customer would write a bad review about her because she asked for the customer to wear her mask over her mouth and nose. Another co-worker of mind was told how inconvenient it was that we were only allowing in two customers at a time, when she had brought her three kids with her. The nastiest customers are the ones that make working in this hard time of uncertainty unbearable.

The moment I left the hospital, I started bawling. I felt hopeless. I felt like there was nothing I could do. The last thing I wanted to be was an asymptomatic carrier. I couldn't live with that guilt. The fact that I truly couldn't do anything after exhausting all of my options had crushed my optimism into a ball and thrown it in the garbage. I felt like I had failed. I had put so much effort into social distancing and keeping myself healthy just for it to be jeopardized by someone else. By someone else's poor judgement and their mistakes. By a trusted co-worker who also held a position of leadership at my store. I was emotionally exhausted. I couldn't talk about what I was experiencing without crying. Nothing was making me feel better. All I could do at that point was express my concerns to my management and HR Rep. It was even more frustrating being on the phone with someone for 30 minutes just for them to kindly tell me that my concerns were valid but I was overreacting. Sometimes accepting the uncertainties that life brings us is all that can bring someone peace.

The Mental

The unknown is scary. No one knows how long the pandemic will affect America and it's discomforting knowing that the government has no idea what to do either. No one does. It's a difficult thing to stop thinking about. Where does someone draw the line between being informed and being paranoid. The mental state of the essential worker has deteriorated from giving the customer the best service into how do I keep myself and everyone that enters this store safe. At least that was what had became most important to me. Finding the balance between those two was hard to accomplish. Our bakery only had a staff of 13 people and usually only had 3-5 people present at the bakery at a time. On holidays we would have all hands on deck, but many customers would wait till the last minute and find that we were selling out of certain items. This makes the guest upset and the essential worker because it is out of their control. When there is a lack of control, there is chaos. There are certain things we can control in our work lives such as our reactions. How we internalize our interactions with customers or other co-workers has a huge impact on our mental health. Customers didn't think we were doing enough at times. It wasn't enough to have 5 different signs on our door promoting social distancing. Since we could only allow two guests at a time, guests starting complaining that they had to wait outside when it was hot. There was nothing we could do at this point to keep everyone happy. Customers were just getting nastier with us. My employer also stopped giving us hazard pay in June. It doesn't feel worth it at this point.

I have had plenty of struggles with my mental health during this pandemic. Finding out about being exposed to someone that was sick wasn't good for my anxiety and depression. I would get stuck in my head and start overthinking everything. It gets bigger to the point where it's sitting over your shoulder. I often feel the need to control my mental state of mind. Fighting it, however, only makes it worse. Finding someone to confide in after hearing the news was hard. I told my parents and they didn't seem to concerned, but did insist that I go get tested. I found a couple of friends to talk about it with and they were very supportive. The people in my life understand my fears and concerns without making me feel like I'm crazy. They are valid concerns, but my need to be heard can conflict with my desire to not be a burden. I had to stay present in the moment and do what needed to be done.

To Be Essential

It's been almost two weeks now and I haven't received my results back. The fact that it takes this long is already troubling. Americans are starting to run out of medical supplies again. Cases are rising again. People are still complaining about masks. I've never wanted to leave this country until this year. The fact that the U.S. is still having trouble getting through it's first wave of COVID-19 is devastating. When my bakery found out about my co-worker testing positive, they said there was no need to close and stayed open to the public for two business days before having a cleaning team sanitize the store. I did not return to work until the store was professionally cleaned. They said since only one person is sick, it's not considered an outbreak so there was no need to close. I decided to start looking for another job, because we are five months into this outbreak and it's cost the lives of over 130,000 Americans. People are more concerned about their money and their businesses, that they would risk the lives of their employees and customers. This country is sick. I am ashamed to be an American. I am striving to do better and make our country better in the future. I'm not sure where to start, but if you have had an similar incident or resonate with my story...let me know. Also know, that you and I are essential to this world beyond a job title. You are love and appreciated by many, including me.