AN ANATOMY OF A COLD CALL

Me again; your friendly neighborhood “Vocal” correspondent and self-published Fiction author awaiting the ONE manuscript that will mark my “big break.” I mean, I’ve wanted to write fiction since I was around four; and I’ve stuck with that dream for 32-33 years (let’s just say that I don’t write on the side to justify my locker-room cleaning or ice-cream registering habits). So I must DESERVE my big break, right; if, for no other reason, than because I’ve waited this long?

…It’s thoughts like that that I have to watch out for; as, being self-published, I’ve learned that people will cold-call me out of the blue to PREY on that very bit of impatience and (dare I say) ego.

I was somewhere in the middle of writing (I think) “Lotek…” for “Vocal” (or maybe I was tinkering with “Stolen Heart”) on Monday afternoon with maybe an hour-and-a-half before it was time to REALLY think about getting changed for that “Locker-Room-Attendant” (fine; CUSTODIAN) job. I was “focused” on writing (okay; YouTube was blaring music for me in the background) when my phone rang. It was an unknown number! (Red-flag, red-flag; I’ve been through this rodeo SO many times in the past eight years now). It looked like a New York number where MOST of these intrusive cold-calls have come from lately. Nevertheless, I had mailed two of my works to a fiction writing contest four days before; maybe this was saying that they’d arrived. On a hunch, I (GASP!) actually picked up my cell phone; on an unknown number…

…No; this was NOT the contest (surprise, surprise). It was someone quizzing me about my second self-published work (NOT a contest entry; and the book that started this all when a Vanity publisher under a “Christian” name, claiming to represent a larger “Christian” publisher, had sold my contact information to all kinds of shady people, trying to stoke my ego and shake even more money out of me on a useless endeavor for a book that I had already self-published. Hmm; I wonder if that very “Christian” individual who had sold my contact information that others could harass me has been to CONFESSION about that. Or is that just a Catholic thing? Anyhoo…)

I was being berated with all kinds of leading questions (“What had led me to write this?” “How were sales going?” “What have I been doing since?”)

I was distracted by having actually been foolish enough to pick up this call (WITH a piece of writing sitting untouched because these scumbags chose to call me NOW of all times) and wanting to get off of the phone. (Besides, it was too late now to claim that “he’s not here.” When they refused to identify themselves in the first place, and then WEREN’T the competition confirming that they’d received my packages, it was already too late).

Finally came the kicker; and the part of this conversation meant to be most beneficial to me…

…who are we kidding; these opportunities are only meant to “profit” THE CALLER, not the called.

“Our paid readers/reviewers have found your work, [second self-published work], and were quite, quite VERY impressed!” (Good; as soon as you have a REPUTABLE position with a TRADITIONAL publisher, THEN we can have this conversation about advancing my book out of self-publishing; and any conversation at all about royalties).

I had heard the schtick where[reputable organization] was “very, very IMPRESSED!” before and should have told them to take a long walk, head-on, into New York traffic then and there. Now was too little too late and…

“…We have asked these questions of you because WE want to do BIG MAJOR WRITE-UP on you in BIG-SELLING MAGAZINE!” (If this “reputable” magazine were such a big deal, I might be able to remember its name now). Besides, they've "helpfully" left out a bit of information...

“How much?” I politely ask before just as “politely” asking them to hang up and lose my number.

“I email you with all details!”

CLICK.

The promise to email me all of the details takes as long as I’m still on the phone because it is a cut-and-pasted email "correspondence" with NO details about cost for these services; but with an illegible mockup of a magazine cover as further evidence that A) Such a magazine does exist or B). That someone at least knows what Photoshop is. (I didn’t say that they had made it look good).

Two minutes after perusing email…

Text: “Did you find the email okay?”

Second text 30 seconds later: “Please to call back about any concerns!”

Right now, I have work in 45 minutes and should be getting changed in 15 minutes. Besides, I was already frustrated with myself for ever picking up that call and I am PISSED at these individuals for harassing me! I go to delete the initial call out of my phone’s registry (only to find that the exact same number had been trying to bother me for weeks and I STILL hadn’t blocked it) and accidentally call instead. The phone can’t possibly ring for a second when I cut off the call, THEN delete it from my recent calls appropriately.

5 minutes later…

Text: “So, so sorry to have missed your call. Was this in response to the email correspondence?” (Sure it was; didn’t you get the nice voicemail, advising you to “Do The-Beatles-Walk right through a busy New York intersection during rush hour?" No? Okay; then I wasn’t interested in leaving a message for you and certainly wasn’t interested in talking to you. Good day; and better luck with another pigeon…).

Like a fool, I thought that simply walking away from my phone without sending an iOS virus in response to this prattling would have been the end of it.

Instead, not 5 seconds after getting the last text, my phone was ringing with ANOTHER call. Guess who?

Bare-chested but in my work pants, I grab the phone and declare “Hello?!” (Read: “Fu…" I mean "HANG UP!’”)

“You got my email correspondence, yes? Any thoughts?”

(Yeah; but I’m trying to be a Christian man and people like YOU are not making that any easier…)

Me instead: “Yeah; but I didn’t see ANYTHING about a price…”

She sends me the poorly designed magazine sample again then (you guessed it) CALLS BACK!

“...Nohhh...; all that you DID was send me the exact same image as before!”

She sends a price list to my iOS. As I thought, this gamble is meant to profit and benefit HER, not the pigeons that she has on the line. Admittedly, even if these services ARE legitimate opportunities, they could be quite beneficial to the artist; therefore, they probably SHOULD rightly come at a reasonable cost. That “reasonable” cost is a little out of reach of a self-published writer working two part-time jobs and with boxes full of unsold books that may have paid off better had they simply been in the attic when we, tragically, had our garage fire about 32 months ago.

Long story short, I honestly COULDN’T afford these and finally got around to blocking that number and removing those emails as “spam.” Yes, these were meant to be contracts; but I hadn’t asked to be called about these services, nor had I formally agreed to ANYTHING in a contract yet. In my mind, that still means that I’m free and clear and these individuals can find someone else to pester.

This isn’t entirely about the wrongdoings of the organization (maybe I am misreading this and they ARE a legitimate promoter/publisher who literally hired people to read and review works; even independent works. Hey; especially after last year, it’s not like they couldn’t have used the money). Besides, there was PLENTY that I could have done differently as well…

1). Let my phone ring. It was an unknown number, I happened to be in the middle of listening to music AND writing simultaneously, and if it were so all-fired important, they could have left a message. (This would have also bought me time to look back and realize that this is the same number that had hounded me for weeks).

2). Blocked that cellphone number weeks ago. I had done so with others with nothing better to do than to harass me.

3). I’m pretty sure that this writing contest was headquartered in Massachusetts. WHO in Massachusetts is calling me from a NEW YORK number??? (Again, to have dodged the call in the first place might have bought me time to look that information up).

4). …I’m REALLY too nice of a guy (well; until the gym is supposed to close in 5 minutes and THEN, three people all start their ten minute showers; plus the lifetime that it takes them to get dressed and out the door fast enough, knowing damn well that we’re closed. THEN, around a half hour before closing time even gets to us, I get irritable). The point being that I’ve chased these people OFF of the phone after picking up before; I simply hadn’t done so this time.

So, in short, I should have been more assertive; and the caller really needs a more reputable job. Other than that, my point is that people like this caller and their organization PREY on the hopes and dreams of independent authors such as myself. And who DOESN’T want to see their name in lights or kind of like having their ego stroked? Insincere platitudes from absolute strangers with far much more to gain than I have can only help THEM rather than me in the long run.

Most independent authors/artists/musicians DESERVE the next big break; we’ve worked hard for it. And, for some of us, it’ll come one day. But insincere cold callers AREN’T helping those dreams to happen any faster. Sure, we've accomplished something, even on the independent circuit, and we DO deserve SOME praise for our efforts. Be wary of where our praise comes from.

Until next time...