Am I depressed?

Most people view depression as a sickness, a disease that weighs you down and stops you from living your best life. I don't disagree with them but there's so many sides to depression so I'll give my take on mine.

I went through something traumatic (I think) and I took time to process what happened, I had my fair share of tears and bad days but I feel like I never fully realized the situation I was in. I was raped and went through a self induced abortion (early miscarriage). I failed to ask for help for as long as I could but I was misdiagnosed with an ectopic pregnancy and I had to involve my parents as there was mention of a surgery (it was an ovarian cyst).

My parents are good, they've been good parents in all sectors except emotional. Being a firstborn, I'm expected to show my sister the way... but I really hate being a firstborn, nobody to learn from but yourself. You have to learn from your own mistakes but end up getting reprimanded for it. You also end up being the 'experiment kid'... your parents learn from the mistakes they made with you and raise the other child better. It's really painful watching your parents do for your siblings what you wish they would've done for you... okay, so back to my story

I told my mom what happened and she called me a liar.

It was expected of her to do so, I knew what I was getting myself into by telling her. She said so many hurtful things, each sentence from her mouth was like a punch to the stomach. She said all the time I leave the house I go dressed like a prostitute and that's probably why what happened happened. I chose to be patient and just take what she said, I needed help, I'd been bleeding and in pain for nearly 2 months, so I went with it and I got the help I needed.

My dad never talked about what happened, he acted as if everything was normal but you could tell it was bugging him. He had much on his plate though, so I didn't expect him to be completely bothered by it. Days went by and everything went back to normal. My dad finally talked about it but in a much more constructive manner... I thank God for him everyday, I feel like to some point, he's the only one who understands how I feel sometimes... He's more rational in his thinking is what I mean.

So, my rapist... God knows where he is right now, I asked him to help me with the abortion but he called me a liar as well and said he wasn't sure the baby was his therefore he didn't need to take care of anything. I chose not to fight a loosing battle and that's why I had to tell my parents at the end of it all.

All this happened in June and went all the way to the beginning of August. It's now October, 10th to be specific and I feel like I've moved on from it but sometimes I feel like I haven't. Now this is where the depression comes in. I have my life in order and I put on quite a presentable front if I do say so myself but there's always a weird feeling lingering in the back of my mind. Sometimes I want to go back to harming myself, other times I think about offing myself, but all these are passive thoughts.

Sometimes I break down crying, I loose the will to live every once in a while but I can't bear the thought of being viewed as weak in front of anyone, not even my closest friends. So sometimes I sit and wonder "Am I depressed" or is this all normal. I haven't seen or spoken to anyone about what happened... maybe I'm not ready to talk about it or maybe I don't see the point of talking about it, I'll find out soon enough.

I've seen other people talk about what I'm going through... it's like a silent depression. It's like constantly wearing a mask and hiding how you really feel. No one can tell you're going through something but sometimes it shows. You find yourself doing things you never thought you'd do... trying to hide in bad habits like drugs, but only occasionally because you don't want anybody thinking you're going through anything and end up feeling like shit after giving yourself a tad of freedom.

Maybe someday I'll get over what happened, maybe I'll finally be ready to talk about it and maybe someday I'll make my peace with what I can't change and just hope for the best.

FW.