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Am I Blessed or Cursed?

I was 'chosen' and given the strength to overcome every hardship that has led me to where I am today

By Ashley Nicole GonzalesPublished about a year ago Updated about a year ago 5 min read
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Am I Blessed or Cursed?
Photo by Hello I'm Nik on Unsplash

Have you ever listened to a motivational speaker? You sit there and listen to their story about how they have struggled and faced hardships throughout their entire life. As you sit there, you may sympathize or empathize with them. Some of you may even shed a tear for them.

Then the speaker will continue on and tell you how they overcome their obstacles and overcame their own demons. They may leave you feeling motivated and empowered. Positive thoughts overwhelm the room, and you feel as though you can overcome anything in your life. It is a memorable feeling.

I have recently gotten sober, and it has been far from easy. When I overdosed in 2019, I had lost hope in everything. I began using harder drugs, and I thought I would be dead by now. My depression had overcome every part of me, and I became someone I did not recognize. I began to hate myself. I remember when I stopped looking at myself in the mirror. I began to hate my higher power. When I became pregnant with my son in 2020, I constantly questioned God and asked how He could bring an innocent baby, who did not deserve me as a mother, into this cruel world. I had no way of supporting him. I had tried taking my life at the beginning of my pregnancy and I attempted to take my life again after he was born. I listened to people who had said he did not need or deserved me in his life. I had hit rock bottom. I put myself in situations where people intentionally tried taking advantage of me and wanted to hurt me. When I ended up in jail for three months, I was forced to face myself. I realized that I needed to forgive myself. When I was released, I relapsed. It was difficult for me to cope with the reality, that I was still homeless and alone. Three months later, I had lost someone who was close to me, due to overdose. I had found myself in darkness, and I only wanted to be consumed by that darkness. It took many months of grieving to finally reach a point of wanting to live my life, because he will never be given that same opportunity. But, I did not know how to do that. I felt stagnant. God had stepped into my life and gave me another blessing I was not expecting. I had found myself in jail for outstanding warrants, and I found out I was pregnant. I remember crying and again asking God why he had given me a child, when I had nothing going for me? I was released from jail one day later, and I had started seeing God everywhere I looked. I was given a ride by someone I did not know, this man had bought me food and given me a few dollars. He shared his life with me and kept reverting back to the fact that God is good. I started seeing this pregnancy, as a second chance to change my life. At my first ultrasound, the nurse told me I was having a girl and that she was perfectly fine. I had sense of relief and I was so grateful. I was taken in by some close friends, who had fed me and gave me a home. The day I gave birth to my daughter, I was still worried about how I would support her. By the grace of God, I was reunited with my family. I am now living with my father, and I was given an opportunity that I never thought was imaginable. I understand that not many people are given that same opportunity, but there is always an opportunity to turn your struggles into strength. If you put in the work, it is my belief that doors will begin to open for you also. I believe it begins when you stop seeing your hardships, as life just happening to you. Everything happens for a reason, reasons we may never understand. You were given a purpose and there is a plan for you. I hope one day you find faith and happiness, because I do not wish the darkness I have experienced onto anyone.

I have hopes that just like a motivational speaker, I can also leave my mark on someone and give them hope that they can achieve anything they want to in their life. I can relate to some of you and admit that life has left me with more unanswered questions than answers. I have questioned my higher power and wondered why I have experienced many heartbreaks and disappointments. I have asked the question if I am blessed or cursed. I have even asked why my higher power has allowed me to survived an overdose and other near death experiences. Those questions still haunt me and even though I am in a better place in my life, I still have dark days. On the contrary, I have more good days than bad ones. I rely on my faith and the words from my higher power. "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." (Jeremiah 29:11) If I am being transparent, the only answer I have, is that I was chosen and given the strength to overcome every hardship that has led me to where I am today.

After reading this, I am curious to know your perspective. Would my story have the same effect or be impactful, if I had not experienced pain and sadness? Would you be able to relate to me? Do you think your life contains purpose or meaning? My grandfather has said that your life is your testimony. So, even when you think no one is listening to you, there is someone in this world who is and needed to hear your story. It does not matter how many mistakes you have made; mistakes do not define you.

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About the Creator

Ashley Nicole Gonzales

I write to share my truth in hopes that someone can relate. If you've ever felt alone and are here today, you are a survivor. you are not alone

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