Adulting Can Get Hectic

It’s 2021, and a lot of us are still dealing with the ramifications of COVID. However, a lot of the things people dealt with during the pandemic for the first time have been the story of my life since birth. From losing jobs, being confined to your home when you didn’t do anything, surviving on a tight budget because you didn’t know when you’d get paid next, illness and most of all, death and grief; I’d like to be a jerk and say welcome you’ve had a taste of my world but, I have a little more compassion than that. In fact, I can sympathize, empathize and I can show compassion; I’m a rare one, I tend to see both sides and relate, side effects of being a female raised by 2 ½ men. If you guys are anything like me life has a tendency to get hectic and you get caught up in the fast lane because ADULTING CAN GET HECTIC. Trying to be Superman or Wonder Woman and handle everything while at the same time not being a bother to those you love and balancing self-care. It gets to a point where keeping in touch with people who aren’t under your roof gets placed on the back burner. So much so you forget to take time to slow down and appreciate the little things and those close to you until that is they wind up dying. Like sheesh even with the hard childhood I had I’d still choose to go back to being a kid hahaha. Anyways, it’s when death comes that you start to reminisce on the good times. You’re forced to pause and focus briefly, that is, if the person had even a small impact or difference in your life at one point. You remember that person was your backbone, the glue, the one that checked up on you, gave you good advice when you had no one, or simply listened so you could vent and get your frustrations off, or whatever the case may be life at the moment you hear the news stands still. Life and love can often be taken for granted because we get so busy and wrapped up until death comes and wakes us back up. There have been four deaths that jolted me and had me reevaluate life for better or worse. Till this day I still miss key people that have passed. My birth mother, the warden aka my dad, my sister Lauren and my teddy bear Jay. I always used to wonder what was worse missing someone you never knew but their memory had detrimental effects or people that you shared good times, memories and laughter with. I finally have the answer from experience and the answer is people I have memories with.

Why do I say that? While yes the memory and love my mother left behind haunted me because I spent my life trying to fill a void her memory left behind for my father; essentially I have no real memories of my own or pictures of us together, just the impression she left on my father and man were they strong I can see why a lesser woman would be threatened and destroy her memory. The others on the other hand when anniversaries, birthdays or moments happen that cause me to remember or get “triggered” I can delve in my memories and get overcome with nostalgia, reminisce and become emotional. What can I say I’m a zodiac cancer I’m in tuned with my feelings DEEP. It’s why three months out of the year I either try to distract myself with travel or seclude myself in my bedroom and sanctuary. During those months I miss my loved ones and my regrets and grief be long. The what ifs, could I, well maybe; certain stages of grief I tend to repeat and stay at even after I’ve accepted they are gone even years later after I’ve said my goodbyes. NEVER again will I get to call my sister and vent when I was sick in the hospital, never again will I get to go to her house and watch movies after taking our meds curled up in our blankets, never again will I get to have sister dates just because I’m missing her, never again will I get to hear her crack jokes about her lupus struggles (my sister was twisted and I loved it), never again will she vent to me when lupus was giving her a hard time and the “normal” people were crying about a cold, never again will we talk crap and say we should be MDs when a new physician tried to tell us about our disease, and never again will I get to admire how she kept her faith despite our disease when mine was lukewarm on a constant basis because ADULTING IS HARD and now she’s gone.

NEVER again will JC check to see if I ate and took my meds when he should be worrying about his health first, never again will he tell me when I get in one of my moods to use him as a punching bag to get the stress of the world off, never again will he come over for the weekend to help around the house and take care of my kid so I can relax after pulling double shifts all week, never again will I get to tease him lovingly and talk crap over the phone, never again will we get to video game and chill (my Borderlands Buddy for life), never again will he call and vent about what’s going on in his life and ask advice, never again will he let his guard down and fall asleep before me so I could curl up in his arms and listen to his heartbeat and breathing (unashamed of his breathing problems with me), never again will he let me show him I appreciate the little things he tried to do for me despite his condition, and never again will I be able to admire him for being the backbone for so many when his health should have been his only concern because ADULTING IS HARD and now he’s no longer with us.

I did my darnest to run away (those who know me that’s my MO) and not to have to deal with the reality that my dad had passed or my emotions I felt with the reality because I had so many mixed emotions. NEVER again will he leave a drunken voicemail, never again will he light up and smile happily at my daughter when we unexpectedly visited, never again will he replay stories I’ve heard 1000 times as a kid, never again will he give me insight to the mentality of the man he was and me argue with him about why his mental pissed me off, never again will he show me his frailty when all I ever knew him for was the strength and valor that scared me, never again will we debate our differences in thoughts, beliefs, values and morals, never again will he confess his sins to me as if I held the answer to his salvation, never will I get the chance to tell him I needed his support and encouragement to go far and succeed in this world; the same way he had needed my obedience and quick wits to be a successful single father, it would just be never again, no second chances, no what ifs and it would never be the same because ADULTING IS HARD and now he’s just ashes riding in the trunk of my car.

During each of these deaths I had a coming to Jesus moment. Or as normal people like to call it I went through the 7 stages of grief. At least I think I did for I’m still a living functioning member of society. Let’s see the seven stages are shock/denial, pain/guilt, anger/bargaining, depression, upward turn, reconstruction/working through and acceptance/hope. Hmm on second thought I take it back these stages don’t apply I’m just different and handle grief differently. Some stages might be skipped, others repeated, others wallowed in till acceptance is reached or avoided all together till forced to deal during those trigger moments (all bad). The way I dealt with each death differed depending on my bond with the person, our relationship at the time of death and if we said our goodbyes prior. Now as I sit here at a crossroads with my health hanging on a fine line of not quite at a dangerous precipice, but serious enough where death is a very real possibility I have to plan for if I don’t get a kidney in time or if my lupus just decides to attack more organs I think about life and death accordingly. I think heavy on if I made at least one tiny POSITIVE difference in someone’s world, if my daughter will have fond memories of me to cherish, if when loved ones see my child they will be reminded of me, if my death will be a wake up call for some to do better and step it up for the ones they love not just say it, but most of all I think about what my funeral will be like. Will it be a sad one or a celebration of life? I have control problems so while I’m living I try to plan everything to a Tee but if I have learned anything from those three deaths that woke me up the hardest it’s that if I truly loved or had love for the person that passed at any point in life no matter what they did, what was said or how things ended towards the end the love will still be there unconditional. Unconditional love means all the bottled hopes, all those what ifs, all the sins confessed, all the happy moments, every anger, every sadness, every hurt, raw emotion and truth can be expelled and sent up in prayers wrapped in faith and ending in forgiveness because you want that persons soul to rest in peace and one day come back to call you home when it’s your time.

I took the lessons I learned from those deaths that rocked me to the core and I said my goodbyes in my own ways to each. To my sister Lauren I wrote a poem that I read at her funeral reflecting her vents through life, to my lover JC we made love one last time on the dreamscape before his funeral day; since then (3 years) no man has touched me since in honor of the caliber of man he was, and my father I wrote him a eulogy and funeral that only focused on the positive aspects of his life not my anger, frustrations and torn feelings from the past. As we know adulting can get hectic and we wouldn’t want people to remember us upon our death for the misjudgments we made when the world was at its shakiest for us right? Or is that just my rose colored view thinking out loud again. Death sometimes has a way of doing that when the timing is out of my control. Dying hits different when I have a future I want to live to make a reality.

I know at times life can get hectic and out of control, we all have responsibilities and struggles to overcome. However, don’t be leeches and drain those that make life easier for you or take for granted those that hold it down for you when life gets out of control. Don’t wait till they leave or death takes them to show you appreciate how hard they’ve been going for you and supporting you. Lay your priorities straight before it’s too little, too late. Times ticking whether we want to acknowledge it or not. When your time is up what do you want that eulogy at your funeral to say? After all, when my time comes I hope that whoever the unfortunate person who has to one day do it for me will look at the positives of my life and LEAVE OUT ALL THE REST because I know for facts my ADULTING GOT HECTIC, simply because I was trying to raise a kind child (reflection of me and a perfect blend) in a not so kind world.