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38 or 17?

Lesson in life. Love

By Samantha DulakPublished about a year ago Updated about a year ago 3 min read
38 or 17?
Photo by Marek Piwnicki on Unsplash

I told my self I wasn't going to call him. It's Friday night and we was going to the baseball game. My friend loves it. She goes to every game. I only go because it's a night game. The heat is too much for day games.I snuck out away from my friend to call him. I had too. A walk out of the game through the fence . find myself in complete darkness with no one around.

I clutch my shirt. My surroundings should have been frightening. But instead my mind is on cloud nine. The dopamine is storming through my body. Has taken over and won every inch. How can I be scared when your voice is in my ear.

The trembling of my hands gives away my nerves. It's time. Time to tell him exactly what I want. To go from nothing to something. The concrete beneath my feet makes a small thuding noise as I pace. For each step I said one word. With each step I'm closer to my goal.

Not that anyone is counting. But 13 years its been. I haven't felt this excitement. Ive been with guys. 3 years of friend with benefits. He was a childhood friend. As adults later in life benefits. Still no excitement in that. 10 years for this last one. Had a A beautiful son who wasn't planned. Some excitement, but not like this..

I close my eyes. For one brief moment and ask for strength. Please don't sound stupid... Giggles bubble up from nowhere. Cheeks go a blazed. I feel even in this darkness you can see me blush. I feel like my brain is telling me something but my heart is stronger somehow. So, I know you told me what you wanted. Now I want to tell you what I want.

I pace over the grass. Here I don't hear my steps and center myself. My cheeks hurt from smiling Soo much. How can a man do this to a person. I'm reminded of a scene from my favored movie. " Can you die from happiness" I now think that answer to this could be "yes."

If I was 17 again. I would be at my desk. Folding a piece of paper in All these different directions to create this fortune hand puppet thing. I would put on it guys names I liked. How much money we would make. A house, apartment, or car. How many kids. Career... And then play with friends for hours. Oh how I would get mad when it didn't go my way. If only I knew what my life would be really like.

I forgot. Like the winds of time changes. So does our memories and with them our feelings. I flirted with him for a long time. Even after knowing. I didn't think of myself worthy. I'm not pretty. I'm overweight. My qualities lie under the skin. Something this world doesn't hold on too nor cherish. Then he stirred something deep. Something buried. I forgot...

I'm 38 but why do I feel 17?

I ask him. You said you like my other coworkers. I agree she's beautiful and am not like that. So I never knew you liked me. The thudding in my ear is getting louder. In my head I question myself. You idiot.. you don't say that to him. Especially not now. Doubt in my mind. I stop and let the stillness of the night surround me. His reply was simple but profound. I am attracted to you. But not only in the way you look. It's who you are ...

A silent tear escaped and runs down my cheek. A shift has entered my body and my mind. Even if it's only for a day. This memory will last a lifetime. A ripple effect.

"It's who you are".

I'm beautiful. I'm girly. I love too hard and fall easily.

I'm thick. I dream of love in all it's forms. Im scared but sill hopeful. I'm sad but happy in this sadness. Because In that sadness I have a direction to go.

" It's who you are."


About the Creator

Samantha Dulak

I guess you can say I'm an ordinary Joe. My personality is like a River it's strong. I did graduate from high school and I have some college. I have a beautiful son. Im in love with the written word. Come on in and enjoy yourself.

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    Samantha DulakWritten by Samantha Dulak

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