Interview With A Recovering Addict

• What was your drug of choice?

My drug of choice was Cocaine but I also got really addicted to pain killers and Alcohol. I also experimented with “Whip it’s” which is getting high of off Aerosol cans or “Huffing”. I also experimented with Ecstasy and Molly.

• Do you think your morals changed after using?

Yes I do, I feel like over the period of time I was using I definitely saw a side to myself that I’d never known was there. Well I guess I knew just never thought it was gonna come to light. You know when you get random thoughts like “I should knock over that trash can” but you don’t because you don’t want to pick it up, what would be the point of it, it’s not mine anyway, etc. I would act on those thoughts and the moral of it is I learned it’s better not to act on impulse rather let’s put it in a shortened way “let’s say we did but didn’t”. I find myself to this day thinking all these random thoughts and in my past I wouldn’t even sit TO think about it I’d just go and do it no matter what the time or day.

• Was there ever a time when you wanted to stop using but couldn’t?

Nope not at all, sadly. I loved the feeling every time. I had a lot going on in my life at the time just like any other addict or normal human. It took everything away pain, heartache, confusion, sadness just everything negative I would feel just completely GONE. I was actually super depressed and suicidal when I wasn’t high on something. I think closer to the end of becoming sober is when I started to realize like ok this is wrong and what I’m doing is wrong. I’m better then this and I’ve let this completely take control over my entire life. The sad thing is nobody knew I had a problem NOBODY. I kept it so well hidden that I was addicted because I had friends who would do it occasionally so to them it was just almost like a social thing and not an addiction thing.

• What was the worst thing you did to get your drugs?

I haven’t really done anything on my own that would be bad to get drugs but I have been put in situations where they were forced on me which just added to the addiction and put me further on this path to self destruction. For example, it was my best friends birthday weekend we decided to party Friday night to Sunday morning and just go all out. She didn’t know but at the time I had already been popping pain pills like candy and on coke for awhile. I got off work early that Friday and drove straight to the hotel where I was staying with a guy friend. We get ready and go to a nightclub have a blast and the night went really good I had actually done about 3 lines in the bathroom by myself before we left to the club. Saturday comes around I check out of my hotel and go crash at hers I slept all day while she and her cousins go to Rehab, not that kind of Rehab it’s actually the name of a popular outdoor like pool beach club thing during the summer time in Las Vegas. When she gets back her cousins pack up and head back home to California and she tells me she met these three guys at the pool club and that they have a table VIP bottle service at if I remember correctly Marquee or something like that but the Chain Smokers (music group) were performing pool side at the club that night. They invited her and myself to join them, I was all in but of course the dress code was pool wear. You had to wear a bathing suit/coverup and heels or wedges. We get all ready for it and the guy texts her and tells her meet us at our hotel room we’re going to pre game before we go to the club and we can all just Uber together so we go into the club together. Made sense to me so I was down with it. We get a Uber to their hotel at the Hilton Grand Vacations, we go in and he texts her and tells her to wait by these elevators that take you up to like these huge expensive suites. You have to have a guest escort you up you can’t just go on your own so we wait for him to get us and bring us up. While we’re waiting I look at my friend and I’m like this is crazy why would three guys have like a ducking penthouse to stay in, it kind of threw a red flag just the situation in general was a little awkward at first. So he comes down to get us and we go in this elevator and it felt like we were on it forever, we finally get off and we walk into the room and it is MASSIVE I’m talking like a full on one story house. It has a kitchen, a living room and in either side of the room there’s a hallway. We step in the room the door shuts behind us and I’m not exaggerating, I was told there were three guys in this group. About nine guys walk out of the left side and maybe five or six come from the opposite side. I kind of froze and looked at her and I was thinking to myself like oh shit we just walked into like a fucking porno or something, oh fuck we’re about to get gang raped WTF! My friend just is as comfortable and cool as can be she’s laughing and introducing herself and the entire time to that point I was wishing I was high as fuck for this. The main guy which is the one who lead us up and invited us we will call him Guy A. Guy A introduced all his friends to us and they are all making drinks and getting hammered for this club. Guy B which is Guy A’s bestfriend. He proceeds to tell me that they are here for Guy A’s bachelor party! As soon as I look up to my friend she’s already heading to Guy A’s bedroom with him to sleep together. By this point I’m kind of freaking out but don’t want anyone else to know I’m freaking out so I just play it cool. Guy C walks over and says hey want me to make you a drink and I was like yeah ok sure and in my head I’m like maybe if I get a little buzz I’ll chill out a little because at this point nobody is actually making me uncomfortable or pushing any boundaries for the most part everyone is really chill. Guy C brings me my drink asks if I’m excited about going to the club and blah blah we have a nice but brief conversation. Guy B walks over and sits next to me and says well I guess Guy A and your friend are having a good time he’s getting married in two days. I was like wow that’s pretty shi….. then had to stop myself and play it cool in case anyone would get offended or whatever. After a little bit I have to use the restroom so I ask Guy D for a restroom because he was the only one around me at this point. He says to follow him so I do, we go down the hall he stops and points to the bathroom I walk in and turn to shit the door and he quickly steps into the bathroom with me and I laugh because I thought he was being funny and I was like well I’m gonna go pee now and nervously laugh because he still isn’t attempting to walk out of the bathroom. He’s like no it’s cool hold on I got something for you. He reaches into the bottom drawer of the bathroom and pulls out this baggie. I was like nah I’m good I’m gonna go to my friend and he’s like she’s busy right now. I was like I’m not doing anything without her and he’s like it’s fine I promise. He then corners me in the bathroom and before I go on I’m about a gallon and a half deep in vodka and cranberry juice. So I’m stumbling he’s trying to hold me up while holding this bag he takes his keys out of his pocket he puts whatever was in this baggie onto the key it looked like coke but it definitely wasn’t because it had a yellow tint to it. He pushes me up against the corner with his body and takes the key and shoved it in my nostril my arms felt stiff I felt like I couldn’t move them to push him away. I honestly felt stuck. He then puts more on the key and sticks it into my other nostril. Now I know you’re like why didn’t you blow at it or breath through your mouth. He was very quick to put it in my nose and naturally and drunkenly trying to get the concept not to breath through my nose was very challenging and I also have asthma so holding my breath is not ideal. He backs off and laughs and says you’re about to trip. I stumble to the living room and my friend and all the guys are out there and they are like ooouuu what were y’all doing and I was like nothing and I sat next to her and was like he just gave me drugs and she laughed and she’s like wait what and she looked at him and said you gave her drugs and all the guys like dead eyed me and him and then Guy A said “I told you not to do that shit” and looks at me and asked if I’m ok. I was fucked up and from that point it’s all a blur I remember telling her and Guy A not to let him near me at all. Guy A then tells us we’ll we missed the time to be there so we’ll just party here by this time I’m ready to go. I laid on the couch because I was dizzy and just all sorts of out of it. I remember falling asleep and then I woke up at one point and my feet were being rubbed and I look down and it’s this guy who drugged me! All I remember was seeing him and falling back to sleep. Around 5am Sunday I get woken up and I had thrown up all over my self so my friend took off her clothes put me in them and Guy A gave her a button up he had to wear. She walks me out of the room down to our Uber we head back to our hotel. I had to be at work at 7:30am Sunday morning. We get back to the room and I feel like I’ve been hit by a bus and I feel so sick to my stomach. I know for a fact I was given some sort of date rape drug. We get in our room it’s about 6:15am and I set an alarm and crash. I get up at 7:00am and try to piece myself together best I could but I was still super hazy. I don’t remember driving to work or how I got there because the hotel we were staying in wasn’t necessarily on the strip and I had never been there before and if you know me you know I suck at directions. So driving to work is a mystery, apparently when I got to work I had to ask my boss what my job was because I forgot. He had to call my partner in yo come cover for me so he could send me home. When my partner showed up I still stayed at work, I was doing everything plus some, I stayed until close and did it all with little to no memory of a lot. I felt like super energized and focused but to focused and still super drowsy and everything that comes along with being fucked up.

• Were you ever arrested because of your addiction?

Never arrested thankfully! Did have some close calls though.

• After getting cleaned did you ever relapse?

Why? Yes, I was lonely and depressed and felt like maybe if I just did it one more time it would help.

• What caused you to start using in the first place?

I was in a very abusive relationship for six years, I had other demons I was struggling with. I was very suicidal. You know your typical sad story back ground almost 98% of addicts have.

• How did you get clean and did you have a support system to help you?

I got clean while becoming a Nanny. My first family I got I fell in love with they took me in. The mother herself was an ex addict to some harsher things. She was now a bartender had custody of both her kids, nice house, nice car. She completely flipped her life around and she taught me how to do it but it also took a lot of self strength and self determination too do it.

• What was the first thing you did to mend your family relationships?

Sadly I don’t have a relationship with majority of my family and the handful I did only a select few knew about it and it was after the fact. None of my relationships were damaged from the addiction thankfully.

• Did you work the 12 steps?

Yes and no, I was informed of them but honestly I never was the type to follow anything I always had to do things on my terms.

• Do you attend meetings or have a sponsor?

Nah, never felt the need to do it. I didn’t want to sit and have to talk about my problems to people who have similar or worsened situations then I had. I felt like no matter how many meetings I attended it wasn’t going to help because everything would go in one ear and out the other. I was single, had my own place living life and doing what the hell I wanted to do and I was scared of change so I knew that would bring ally of changes and I wasn’t ready for it. I also felt like yeah I had a problem but there are people who needed my “seat” more then I did.

• What do you say to yourself to stay clean?

I’ve told myself this from day one and will continue to do so my entire life. “It’s only a bad day not a bad life” once I became sober I constantly had that running around my head and it really helped on the days I was struggling to stay sober.

• What’s the best advice to give recovering addicts just getting clean or avoiding relapse?

My best advice would be to keep on pushing. You’re not alone even when you feel like you are. We all have hard days when we feel like giving in or giving up but no matter how many sponsors or support groups, family & friends. At the end of the day it’s just you, nobody can mentally take you out of that situation but you. If you really need the help get it don’t wait and don’t make excuses. We get one chance to live and make our lives the best as possible do you really want to spend it strung out on your D.O.C and possibly ruining relationships and passing by one in a lifetime opportunities! As shitty as it sounds you’ve got to pull your head out of your ass and realize how blessed you are to be breathing in air, smelling the crisp morning air, holding a baby, having picnics with your family, eating delicious freshly baked cookies all these amazing moments that you can have or be having and potentially throwing them away. There’s so much I want to do before I leave this world as does anyone take advantage of it while you have it and Denver everyday is a blessing because you never know if you fall asleep tonight that you’ll see the sun rise the next day! You got this and as long as you keep focused on the positive things you’ll realize the journey is so much easier!