Yes I Am

You're probably sleeping in your cozy queen size bed, in your warm, safe home. The entire apartment is still filled with the aroma of a perfect Friday night dinner. You probably poured yourself a glass of wine before sitting in your favorite spot on the couch, that has the dent in the cushion to prove it. Probably didn't even take you long to fall into the comfortable, deep sleep you're in now. Me? Oh, I'm having a different kind of night. You see, it tends to get cold around 4am in Los Angeles. Especially 4am in the middle of the Angels Forrest with no clothes on. Did I mention that I was naked and tied to a stake, surrounded by a crowed of people waiting to see me burn? I'm sorry. I should have lead with that but...perspective? Never mind that, I'm naked and tied to stake.

Now in certain situations, I would find this very sexy but the wood under my feet and the white man holding a torch, ready to bar b que a black man in 2021 is really a turn off. I get it, there has been some weird shit going on in my neighborhood. Hell, I even get the whole blame the new guy bit, but fire? in LA mountains? remember that gender reveal? Ok ok , naked and tied to a stake. So this is like my trial I guess. My neighbors are accusing me of some serious things and I personally take offense to these accusations. Does that statement make sense? I mean, if I'm the person offended about things done to me, do I have to state that the offense is personal? Whatever. Naked, stake, white man, and fire.

So Sarah lost her cat or I like to say that the cat lost Sarah. It was very clear that the cat didn't want to be there. See Sarah had this crazy chunky fat kid named Issac. He was into taking things apart and the cat just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong kid. His nasty ass threw the dead cat into my yard. I did the right thing and returned the cat the very next day and I know she got it because she called to let me know that Issac loved the pie I left for him at the front door but now he has the hiccups and coughs up fur balls.

There's also Jimmy. Jimmy is that loud neighbor that can't mind his business. Personal space means nothing to Jimmy. He feels like he should have access to everything and every place. I didn't tell Jimmy to walk into my garage and drink the strange green solution he found in my personal fridge. There it is again, "Personal" it's my garage and my fridge, why should it be stated that it's personal? Fuck, I apologize again. Oh Jimmy. I don't know what happened to Jimmy. I think I heard that someone saw a dog running through the neighborhood wearing his watch though.

Then there is Ben and Stacy. They are the picture perfect family. Also, Ben is the white man holding the lit torch. Nothing magical about his story. He's mad because I had sex with his wife and people heard her screaming my name from inside my house. And now that I'm naked for all to see, everyone can understand why she screamed so happily. In my personal opinion.. nope, don't do it. It's just a word. move on. Ok Ben starts screaming and asking if I'm a witch. I scream back "YES I AM and I apparently have ADD and need that checked out but what does that have to do with Sarah's murderous kid, Jimmy breaking into everyone's homes and Ben not being able to reach his wife's good parts?!

So after his torch went out all of a sudden and the moon disappearing, leaving the forest pitch black, I got down from the stake and went home to bake pies. Now I'm here at this bake sale.