Windchimes, Curtains and a Promise from the Grave.
Hi
March 21, 2014, is that day in my life that haunts me in my sleep and even at times when I'm seemingly wide awake.
Accompanying my father to a follow up appointment for some tests, we find out he has terminal cancer. I was sitting across from him, I will never forget the look on his face. This is what I see in my sleep. I see it sometimes in odd moments when I'm fully awake. He was a large, stellar individual. 6'3, weighing over 300 pds, a sheet metal worker and life had not been easy on him. He commanded a room without having to do anything. Just his presence was a force to be felt. But in this moment, I witnessed this powerhouse of a human reduced to the similarity of a small boy that that missed his mother. His body slumped as he cried. Although he was doing his damnest to hold the tears back for my benefit. That's the kind of man and father he was, even in this moment he was trying to comfort his daughter and remain the strong force. His voice quivered as he asked " How long do I have?". The doctor would not give a definite answer, only saying there was little that could be done.
Leaving the hospital, neither one of us had any words. What could be said? What does one say to another who just found out their time on this earth is just about done? His body was exuding fear, sadness, grief, regret...and I'm sure so many more emotions that only those who have been in his spot could explain. I'm feeling so completely and utterly helpless. We drive back to his house and call over close relatives to share the news. Life after this becomes helping him be comfortable and live as best as one can under these circumstances. His health deteriorates quickly and we all know his time is nearing. April 28th 2014, he loses his battle to cancer. A short but valiant fight. I saw him the day he died. He walked me to the door, even though at this point he was a bag of bones and could barely walk. He insisted he walk his daughter out. We hugged and he says to me that he will always be watching me and he will find a way to let me know he is ok. Then silly jokes about haunting me and scaring me. My family always had a dark sense of humour. It was hard to laugh at his beyond the grave jokes but he always made me smile, even now. Then I left. And that was it. The last time I saw him. I know now that he knew the time was close and even still assuring me he would always be close. Trying to make me laugh. Cheering me up in his darkest moment. Again, that's just who he was.
Like anyone who has lost a parent, life is not easy after this for awhile. Grief floats over you like a bad dream except it's not a bad dream, they are gone. One minute they are there and the next they are not. There is an emptiness to your life but it returns to a new normal, just void of the loved one. Void of the love they provided. Void of the conversations, the laughs, the bad times, even void of the boring moments you shared with them. Just a big empty void. But we learn and we adjust to live without them, live with their memory. It gets to a point that they become more of a dream. Were they real? Or a imaginary character that you dreamed up?
The summer comes and goes and then my most favorite time of year, autumn! I've always loved the brisk air in the fall, the stunning display put on by mother nature with the leaves, wearing sweatshirts and going for hikes with the leaves crunching under your shoes. But the absolutely favorite is Halloween season!! I'm a halloween fanatic! Yes, the crazy person that goes over the top with decorating and carving way too many pumpkins. October has always been my absolute most favorite month. People are a little less serious, spooky movies on tv and planning costumes for the big day. I come by this honestly, my parents were all things halloween. My father would make my costumes out of material from his metal shop. One year I was a robot made out of pretty legit material. The most uncomfortable contraption I have ever worn, but a favorite in the neighbourhood and well worth the extra loads of candy I scored! My parents always hosted Halloween parties and on Saturdays throughout October we would watch really cheesy scary movies. October 1st it was game on! It was all things Halloween. I have continued this tradition and as my own children are approaching adults, I can see this is something they will continue.
October 1st, 2014, my first October in my 44 years that my father is not part of the festivities. It's certainly a bittersweet day. A day I look forward to getting things out of storage and beginning the month long over the top decorating, creating spooky dishes, coming up with crazy costumes and watching really bad scary movies. But I cannot help but be saddened by this particular void. I remember coming home from work that day not as excited as I am normally, just feeling dejected. The grief is as overwhelming as the day I lost him. Can I even do it this year? Some things are not the same, no new normal, some voids are too big. I'm sitting in my front living area, its a warm October day, a breeze is coming in from the opened windows. Just a perfect fall day, weather wise anyways. Sitting alone, I'm having serious thoughts of just skipping the festivities of this year. Crying to myself, talking to my dead father. Actually apologizing to him, explaining to him that I just can't do it. It's too soon. I had not planned this, nor did I predict this. It hit me like a ton of bricks, the grief was overwhelming. Then it happened, the white sheer curtains in the front windows that had been blowing from the beautiful fall breeze just came to a sudden halt! Just stopped. A cool different sort of air blew in, right through my bones. I looked up to see the word HI in a shadow of the sheer curtains. and it just stayed like that. There was such a stillness and silence in the room. I just stared in disbelief at this message in my curtains. I knew what I was seeing but our logical and practical selves must disbelieve and doubt, even that of what is right in front of you as plain as the sky. I start crying, but a different cry from the grief I had been experiencing a minute ago. I could feel my father there. Stopping by to say hi on our most cherished and beloved day of the year. I could feel that strong presence of his, the comfort he was offering. The reassurance that he was ok. As he had promised. Even in afterlife, he came to cheer me up, to follow through on a promise, because, well, that is who he was.
Turns out what I was seeing was a shadow of the formation of the windchimes that were hanging out of my front window. But why had this never been seen before? I had lived there for 10 years. Why in this moment? Why now? It is up to the viewer and the reader to believe what you will. But I was there. I had a moment with my father. A greeting from the grave. A perfectly placed visit from the afterlife.
Oh and yes, the Halloween celebrations were epic that year!
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