Sometimes I ask myself - “Is it the way I thought my life would be?” and the other moment I am sad, upset, irritated and pissed-off with everything around me. My friends usually come to me to ask me out to play or to join in their chats but all I want is to sit quietly. Something inside me says- “it’s not worth spending time with anyone, no one loves me, I don’t belong here”.
At home when I see mom and dad talking together, I feel that they also do not bother about my hereabouts and I am not important to them and thus, I choose to be in the room all the time, sitting in front of my window, which is now my mini world. I can see people going to work or students coming from tuitions, the sun rises and the sun sets, the lonely summer days- empty and alone just like me. I like spending time sitting there; though mom and my sister does not like me doing that and they will keep on calling me. This little space of mine is also not allowed and I have to cut-short that time too.
I did not realize when it all started and I started liking this silence and loneliness. I feel like this completes me, this silence gives me the leverage to rethink every moment of my life. I think, rethink and rethink again and truth reveals in front of me.
One day, when I was sitting in front of the window no one was there, not even a bird was flying in the sky, it was all silent, harsh and barren just like my life; I recall the day when we had a fight at home about my low marks and poor performance at school. Papa was blaming mom for my marks, he was very upset; I can still recall his words “if you be like this, I doubt will you ever be able to stand on your own feet!”. I felt so bad and hurt, though later on, papa came to me to console me the words he said is still banging in my head.
Likewise, I remember the day when I was with Arun and papa saw us in the park, he was so mad at me and he did not let me speak anything, the slap is still fresh on my cheek. I did not realize what wrong did I do that papa was so mad at me? I was with him because I like him and he said he likes me too. I don’t know why papa complained in school because of which he had to leave school and now here I am- the only person who loved me is not with me; everyone else is happy and indulged in their own world except me! I have no one to talk to or who will understand me or will let me do what I want to. I am so alone...
So today I am clear, I am done with all these. I cannot spend my life sitting in front of the window and think; the more I think, the more I want to run away from all this because these are not for me- my parents don’t want me, I am just good-for-nothing and they have to bear me as I am their own blood- that’s it, else they would have left me already! Every nerve of my brain feels like it will explode in a minute and I can’t tolerate this pain. There’s some emptiness and darkness inside me from where I do not see any way out, I feel like I am trapped, and there’s no one who can help me!
I finished my last line of the letter and put the pen on the table. I already brought the phenyl from the washroom, I hope that it will help me succeed with what I want. I heard that sleeping pills or other poisonous pills do have chances of failure but this will definitely work. I even thought to cut the nerve but it will be difficult to cut own self, at least gulping phenyl will be easy than that.
Before I end this, I want to see everyone for the last time. Its 1’0 clock, mom and dad must be in deep sleep, so I tip-toe to their room; as usual, they have not locked their door. I still remember that night when I was in class 10th and I had a nightmare. Mom and dad came running to my room when I was shouting and crying in sleep and from then they never locked their room, giving full access to me and Kavu to go to them anytime we want to sleep with them, so I opened the door and walked towards papa on the left side of the bed, he’s in deep sleep and looked so calm. I want to touch him but right now this would not be a great idea, thus I chose to silently stand and see him for the last time.
I then tip-toe to the right side of the bed, mom looks beautiful in sleep, my friends say I got my looks from her only. I was feeling heavy inside so, after a minute or so, I came out of their room and closed the door as it was. Kavu generally sleeps with me, but from a week I convinced her to sleep in her room next to mom-dad’s room so that I can get my time to think. She loves me and keeps on asking so many questions, but I am left with no patience to answer them or talk to her. I feel agitated, maybe mom and dad want to escape from her so they send her to me all the time. I opened the door and I can see her sleeping in her kicking-a-football position. She’s sometimes becomes a footballer, sometimes sleeps like the arm of a clock and will continuously change her direction. She sleeps like Kumbhkaran (the sleeping monster). I softly sat on the side of her bed and kissed on her forehead; I know, she admires me most and I love her. I smiled, bid her my good-bye and tip-toe outside her room.
I sigh and went towards my room as I am done with all emotional stuff. I locked my room and switched on the lights. I wanted to talk to Arun as well, but I do not have his number, deep inside I bid him bye too. Nothing matters to me now, I know with me every darkness of my heart, loneliness, irritation, and helplessness- all will end too. I read the instructions written at the back of the bottle- “DANGER” and I smiled.
I opened the cap of the bottle, the smell is very pungent and strong. I looked at the clock it says 3’0 clock in the morning. Papa wakes up at 6’o clock. Today when he will wake up, I will be long gone for him and he will not have to be upset with me anymore. I took a deep breath and gulp the liquid in one go! The taste was bitter and I can immediately feel the burning sensation inside me- from the tongue, my throat and in my stomach too. Everything inside me was burning and I could not stand anymore. I felt on the floor and everything around me was blur and unclear, the only thing I could feel was the fire inside me! The acid in the liquid was working fast, I felt throwing up! I want to vomit but I don’t want to throw-up, I don’t want to leave any hope of being alive. I controlled myself, I can’t see anything- not the ceiling, not the room, no wind and I can’t even breathe...
A sharp voice took me off from my sleep. Oh so deep sleep, as if I was sleeping for ages. I looked around, the doctors are testing my pulses, then they are checking my heartbeat and looked into the monitor which showing no fluctuation in that straight line. Hold on! I am in the hospital? I am breathing then why the monitor is not showing the heartbeats?
Suddenly someone thrashed on the floor and all the attention shifted to her. Oh, that's Mom! She's crying badly. She's pale, her eyes are telling that she hasn’t slept properly. I spotted papa, he's holding her but he's quiet, no words, no console, he seems so lost. Why everything looks so strange to me and I am not able to figure this out? I can see the room is full of people most of them are my relatives. Everyone is so pale and crying. I wanted to rush to my mom and hold her, ask her why she's crying and moreover why I am surrounded by so many machines and doctors?
I can’t remember anything. I wanted to lift my hand but it didn’t respond in the first go. Strange! I tried again with some more strength and it refused again. I tried to flip around but my body shows no sign to abide by my command. I am giving all my strength but all seems to be a failure. I looked around, my friends are also here. Even those whom I have never seen for so long. So happy to see them, so many things are there to tell them. I see Kavu standing at the door of the ward looking straight at me, no emotions, no expression- just lost in her own thought. I had never seen her like this quite, this feels so pathetic!
The doctor came near to me, checking my eyes, then my heartbeats and nerves. He nods and moved towards my father and asked him to come aside. I can see my father looked like a pray who is praying for life with tear-filled eyes- “She was in acute depression, she gulped the entire bottle of poison, everything inside her body was purely damaged right from the food pipe, intestine- everything is burnt. We tried our best, but...”
“But?” my father immediately asks in thunder.
“I am sorry, she’s not with us anymore”
“What! No, no, no.. this cannot happen…”
My father could not hold himself and he’s crying like a baby holding the doctor’s hand- “Doctor, please don’t say this. This is my child, my daughter, I want her, we all love her and I can’t see her like this. Please doctor bring her back to us! We can’t live without her. I will give everything I have, just save her doctor... Please!” - And he thrashed on the floor too. My friends rushed towards him to hold him.
The doctor left the room...
Now everything is clear in front of me! Yes, I remember, I gulped the phenyl to end my life. I did not want to live again.
I can see papa standing up with support and comes near to me, which is now just a body. His eyes are filled with tears, his face looks dull, unshaved face, messy hair and in so much pain. He is looking at my face, holding my cold hand he speaks up– “why beta? Why you did this? Didn’t I love you enough? I am sorry beta for everything. Come to us, please! You are my darling, I thought you are like me- strong and mature? I never thought you will ever do anything like this!”
He cleared his eyes and kissed on my forehead, caressing my hair he continue- “Beta, I am sorry, I failed as a father today. That day, when I slapped you, I could not sleep the entire night. I was feeling so bad to hit you, so I thought I will never do that again. We were planning for a surprise for you so that we can cheer you up so that I can see your happy face again and can stop you sitting alone, but you were depressed inside?” – and he could not continue and started crying badly.
My mom is unconscious and is taken to another ward. Doctors said she's in shock. I was so wrong! I was webbed in my own thoughts, in my own perceptions, in my own world of darkness. I never thought this way that I meant the world to my parents. I saw Kavu heading straight towards the bed. She sits on the other side- “Didi, you always told me that you are my best friend and that is why I always shared every tiny thing with you - be it my favourite food or toys or my secrets. But I was never YOUR best friend! That is why you kept quiet and kept everything inside. I read your letter and I felt.. I so failed as a sister, that you could not even talk to me... I thought we were the best siblings in the world, but NO! You did not loved me and you left. I will never forgive you didi, I will never forgive you!” she’s crying uncontrollably...
“I love you didi, please come back! Please... I will never leave you alone...ever…”
I can’t see her like this. My father, my mother, my little sister- all are in pain, just because of what I was thinking on my own? What was I thinking the entire time? I was feeling rejected and there they are! My family was making plans to cheer me up, to make me feel special and all I was feeling was darkness. Now when they are in front of me crying, calling me and in pain - all because of me, will I ever be able to be in peace? This is not what I thought my life would be... It was so good before, we were so happy and complete. Oh god! I wish, I would have spoken to anyone for once, I wish I would have cried and demanded compensation rather than sitting alone, I wish I would have never had this courage to kill myself. I wish… I was alive today!
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Depression is an illness that can happen to anyone due to any stress or hormonal change or lack of love. The only cure to this is to – talk.. and talk more...
Those who see anyone in depression - “love them more”. By giving them space, you are not helping them, you are letting them feel what they are feeling is right.
“Life is like a canvas where you can paint your best painting or maybe worse..
Life is like a platform where you can perform your best performance or can be a bad one..
Life is an exam in which you might top or you may fail..
Life is beautiful, life is everything-
Until… you have it!”