Till This Feels Like Reality

"Thank you Dr. Morrison" I say while leaving the doctors office. "Of course, Vincent. Hey one more thing" he says, stopping me from opening the door and leaving, "yes?" I asked. Dr. Morrison stands up and comes close to me, "I know your hallucinations can be scary. But remember...they can't physically interact with you. No matter how real it seems, they cannot touch you. Okay?" Dr. Morrison opens the door to his office, walking me out. "Thank you...I'll remember that." I leave his office and go to the waiting room where my girlfriend was sitting, waiting for me. "Carolyn" I said, gaining her attention. "Vincent!" She said while standing up to meet me by the door so we could leave. "How did it go? Any new coping skills I can help with?" She asked, while holding my hand walking out to our car. I love Carolyn, she's always so supportive of me and always wants to help. "Kind of, Dr. Morrison told me to remember that nothing in my hallucinations can physically touch me. They can't hurt me." She nodded her head "I'm sure that is comforting to hear." She gave me a smile and we got into our car.

We finally got home and I help unload groceries. We get inside and unpack everything. I sit down at the kitchen table and read over my chart. 'Vincent Maxwell. Male. 25 years old. Schizophrenic.' I just read that word over and over again. Schizophrenic. "What a word" I mumble to myself while putting the paper back in the folder I keep all my medical records in. I get up to head back to my room to put the folder back in my drawer. When I enter my bedroom I see a woman sitting on my bed. I drop my chart, startled, and freeze. She turns to look at me and begins laughing. I don't feel safe. Even if she can't touch me I don't feel safe! "Who are you?" I said out loud, hoping it would stop her from laughing. She stood up and began walking towards me. I ran to Carolyn yelling "a woman" over and over again. She ran to me and held me tight, calming me down and bringing me out of my episode. She spoke soft kind words to me and brought me back to a stable state.

The rest of the night we didn't talk about it, we watched TV and packed for our trip tomorrow. "We leave at noon right?" Carolyn asked me. "Yes, we should get there about 1:30pm." Carolyn had planned a trip to a cabin by a lake with old friends of ours, Lizzy and James. We are staying for a week, it'll be nice. We finished packing and checking directions, then went to bed. Noon came around and we were on the road. Carolyn drove, Dr. Morrison says I shouldn't drive after having a hallucination. We arrive at the cabin and the first thing I notice is how isolated it is. Beautiful...but very isolated. We arrived and Lizzy and James came outside to greet us. We unpacked and had dinner and lit a fire outside near the lake. It was so peaceful and perfect. We all went to bed a little earlier, as we had a full day tomorrow. I got up in the middle of the night to get some water, and as I walked back I glanced out the window and saw a man standing near the cabin. I ignored it...hoping that would help me avoid an episode.

Morning comes and everyone gets up. We eat breakfast together and while James, Lizzy and Carolyn get ready, I decide to take the canoe for a few minutes to see the lake. I get in and row myself out, looking at the beautiful clear water beneath me. I go far enough and can make sure I can still see the cabin. I sit and enjoy the silence, I turn to see my surroundings and I am no longer facing the cabin. I look out and the water looks endless, it looks like you could get up and walk on the water, it's so still. My peaceful moment was ruined as I began to hear loud, sharp screaming. I covered my ears, hoping it would stop. My schizophrenia can't let me enjoy a peaceful moment. After a few minutes, the screaming stopped, all was silent again. "Well after that episode, I deserve some more peace" I say to myself as I decide to stay a little longer.

After a few minutes, I turn around to face the cabin, ready to row back and start the day with everyone. When I turn the canoe around to face the cabin, the water begins to get a strange red tint to it. "Please, not another hallucination" I say to myself. As I fully turn myself around, the water is blood red... and body parts are floating in the water towards me. I freeze...I ask myself "is my mind this messed up to make me see this stuff?!" I watch as the body parts float around me, the red water becoming darker. "It's not real. They aren't real." I said to myself. When my hallucinations are this intense I need to talk to myself out loud. "I'll reach down and I won't feel anything but water. I won't feel a hand...just water." I repeat to myself while lowering my hand to the water slowly. "I'll just feel water." I close my eyes and place my hand on the severed hand floating beside me. Skin. I felt skin. I opened my eyes and the hand was still there...now with my hand on top of it. I look around and ALL the body parts are still there. I being to poke them, I can feel all of them. I quickly row back to the cabin, in a confused frenzy. I arrive at the land and jump out, the grass has specks of blood in it and I run to the cabin. The door is open and inside a man is standing in the living room...the same man I saw outside my window last night. He was real. All of this is real. He was stalking our cabin and I thought he wasn't real!