The Three Kings Ritual

Okay, you wouldn’t be here if you didn’t want to mess with some albeit unholy shit sooooooo… I won’t keep you in suspense. Welcome one and all to the Three Kings Ritual! Do this of your own free will… or if you know have no way out of the bet you lost, you do you fam. You have to be big in preparation if you want to try this. It's like sky diving: if getting it right on your first try is not something you're good at, then this is not for you.

With that being said, if you do drugs or alcohol the night of the event, going through some serious issues in your life, are not feeling mentally or spiritually stable, doing this just to escape, you're going to be FUCKED. And if you don't follow my instructions especially the multiple backups that are going to be listed, which are there for a fucking reason and not just there to look pretty, you're going to have a fucked uptime. But hey I’m not your mom if you feel like tempting fate with a loaded gun all power to ya… at least the warnings there so my job is done.

What you will be needing is the following, please make sure you have everything before starting or else it won’t work or… it works too well…

For everything to take place properly you gonna need a very large or spacious room that is both empty and quiet room. Try using a room without windows like a basement. If windows exist in the room, you need to be able to cover them and ensure total darkness. Not a sliver of light to come through so duck tape is your friend kids.

You will also need:

-A pack of candles and a lighter

-A bucket of water and a cup. Whether its a wine glass, coffee mug, or sippy cup it doesn’t really matter.

-A fan. Do not use a handheld fan, your gonna need a bigger one like those box fan or those tall moving ones.

-Two large mirrors, either vanity or those tall length ones will be good. Don't worry divas, they won't be harmed in any way… but if they are, it'd be the least of your concerns.

-Three chairs. Doesn’t matter what kind as long as you can sit in them

-An alarm clock

-An active cell phone with a fully charged battery… don't forget to charge the goddamn battery! Bring a portable charger if you have to!!!

-A loved one willing to follow rules and go along with all this madness… older siblings don’t count because they will fuck you over on purpose. If its a best friend, make sure they are sober.

-A small toy or a cherished object from your childhood

Did you get everything? Are you sure? Alright, let’s start up the prep! You should start your setup at around 11 PM.

Start by placing one chair in the center of the room, facing north, don’t ask why just do it get a compass if you need to. Place the other two chairs exactly to the left and right, facing the one in the center. The one in the center is your throne, the ones to the left and right are either the fool or the queen’s chair. The distance between your throne and that of your queen and fool should be about the length of your arm to each side… eh more or less.

Place one mirror on the queen chair and the other on the fool’s chair to the left and right of you, facing you and each other. Try your best to have them stand at a 90-degree angle… or else you may get more or less than three kings if you want more have them more crooked and let me know what happens later. If you sit on your throne facing straight ahead, you should be able to perceive your own reflection in each of the two mirrors through your peripheral vision. If you see your own reflection in the corner of your eye then congrats you did it right you've done it right.

Place the bucket of water and the mug in front of you, just barely out of reach and place the fan behind you turned on low. Once finished turn off the lights in the room, leave the door open and go to your bedroom.

Set the candles by the side of the bed, next to a lighter, and your cellphone, leave that bitch on the charger, and set your alarm clock for 3:30 AM. settle into bed with your power object of choice and get some rest.

Showtime:

Wake up at 3:30 AM with your alarm clock, but don't turn on the light. From the time the alarm goes off, you have exactly three minutes to light your candle, grab your cellphone, and make your way to the chosen darkroom to sit in your throne. You should be seated by 3:33 AM with your power object in hand!

Check for potential red flags, if anyone of these things happens within the 3minute time limit for the love of God ABORT THE FUCKING MISSION!!!!:

1. If your cellphone didn't charge for whatever reason, abort the mission. If the alarm didn't go off exactly and I mean exactly at 3:30 AM, abort the mission. If you find the darkroom door closed (but your ass remembered you left it open) abort the mission. If the fan is turned off (and you left it on) abort the mission and nope the fuck out of there… go crash at a friend’s house.

If all is right with the world than you can proceed and take your throne. As you sit on your thrown look directly in front of you while holding your lit candle.

During this session your job to find out who is the King, Queen, and Jester. And from your guest’s point of view, you are either their queen or their fool, too. Hence the name Three Kings.

Suffice to say, you won't be alone and if you have questions, you'll get answers. Just stay put and try not to move and DO NOT look directly at the mirrors, nor the candle. Just straight ahead. Don't chicken out halfway through the shit either it's just a pussy thing to do while in polite company. No one likes impolite company right? you need to wait until 4:34 and then it's all over.

Did I mention not to let the candle go out? You're protecting the candle with your body, but if your body were to be suddenly… moved… then the fan would blow out the candle. That's backup number 1.

Your loved one is backup number 2: at 4:34 she/he/it has to come in the room and call your name. If that won't work, she has to call your cellphone and If that won't work, she has a glass of water and a bucket. She can't touch you though… well, they can but… let’s just say that would be the WORST idea.

Backup number 3 is your item of power, you know the object of strength you brought along for the hellish ride you thought would be fun. It'll show you the way if SHTF… like if they touched you

Doing this ritual you gotta be like a boy scout and have a backup for days. If you half-ass it, then half-ass it all the way so that it won't work or… if you feel like hanging with Satan then take it seriously enough for it to work and not seriously enough to be prepared for the consequences. If your alive or still sain, I want the tea!

(Word to the Wise: if you have to abort the mission for any reason, leave the house with your loved one and go to a hotel, friend’s house, bus station, or whatever you just can’t stay. Don’t run in a panic, you have time to grab a jacket, keys, drugs(I don’t judge) and whatnot. After 6 AM the coast should be clear… lol, should.

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