The Snowslasher

TITLE SEQUENCE

Deep undersea, one sea monster presents another with two paralyzed humans. Both resemble squid, if squid had dozens of kelp-like arms and barbed, venomous tentacles.

NARRATION: “From complex mating rituals in the depths of the ocean…”

A mated pair of desert monsters cuddle beside their nest in a cave. They look like a mixture of monitor lizards and bears, with oversized reptilian eyes and spines down their backs. Their nest contains about a dozen eggs that could pass for goose eggs.

NARRATION: “…To coparenting in the desert…”

A baby snow monster follows its mother as they stalk around a ski lodge in the Rocky Mountains. They look like oversized, white, saber-toothed pumas. The baby is especially fluffy and cute.

NARRATION: “…From hunting on remote mountaintops…”

A shape-changing monster in the form of trousers hangs with other drying laundry outside a city apartment. It drops down on an unsuspecting man, spreading out like a net and surrounding him soundlessly. It takes the shape of a pigeon, burps up the man’s shoes, and flies away.

NARRATION: “…To hanging out in your own neighborhood…”

Earth, as seen from space.

NARRATION: “This is The Life of Uncanny Beasts.”

Black bat-like wings enfold the Earth. END TITLE SEQUENCE

EPISODE NINE: THE SNOWSLASHER

INTRO MONTAGE

We see various wintry scenes from North America, including Canada geese flying in V-formation, a hibernating groundhog, a beaver lodge covered in snow, and a polar bear with a belly distended by her pregnancy.

NARRATION: “Winters in North America are often seen as a time to slow down. Some creatures flee the cold entirely, not to return until the resurgence of spring. Some sleep the season away. The animals that remain present and awake tend to reduce their activity, spending most of their time tucked away in shelter.

“Most of North America’s large predators must wait for their prey to return before they can birth and feed their young, with one remarkable exception.”

EXT SNOWY MOUNTAIN – DAY

The snow monsters from the title sequence clean their faces by licking their paws and rubbing their fur. They lounge near the remains of a skier, who appears to have lost all his blood via a slit throat.

NARRATION: “The Snowslasher.

“Specimen 2011-Colorado-F-Three, nicknamed ‘Belinda,’ was tagged as a cub for research purposes. Nonetheless, it took our crew four weeks of careful tracking to locate her. The Snowslasher’s remarkable fur contains iridophores—the same tiny light-reflecting crystals that allow chameleons to change their color.”

A close view of Belinda’s face. It’s clear that she has very few red, wet streaks of blood on her. The fur near these streaks look almost as red. Cleaning a streak away allows the fur near it to fade back to white.

NARRATION: “Pair that biological advantage with the elusive behavior common in solitary large cats, and the Snowslasher disappears into its environment as if by magic.”

EXT SNOWY MOUNTAIN ROAD – DAY

Nevaeh’s shiny new six-seater SUV drives up a narrow mountain road. The vanity license plate reads “PR1NC55.” Six sets of skis are secured to the top.

NARRATION: “The Snowslasher’s favored prey has unknowingly entered her territory.”

INT SUV – DAY

Nevaeh (20F) drives. Her best friend Amanda (20F) sits beside her. Both sing along to a pop song on the radio. Nevaeh’s boyfriend Kenny (22M) sleeps in one of the middle seats. Amanda’s boyfriend Radford (22M) sits beside him, scrolling a dating app. In the back seat, Kenny’s brother Tristan (26M) is attempting to slide a hand up the shirt of his girlfriend Aydenne (18F).

AYDENNE (whispering): “Tristan, stop.”

TRISTAN: “Shhh.”

AYDENNE: “I don’t want this.”

TRISTAN: “Quiet. You don’t want to make it weird for them, do you?”

AYDENNE (full volume): “I said, ‘Stop.’”

Nevaeh, Amanda and Kenny don’t notice. Radford holds the screen of his phone to his chest and turns around. Tristan drops the offending hand down to Aydenne’s thigh. Aydenne blushes.

RADFORD: “Bruh. You’ve got an unwilling audience here.”

TRISTAN: “Relax, bruh. We’re only joking around.”

Radford and Aydenne give him skeptical looks.

TRISTAN: “Seriously, I was kidding! Come on. My little brother is literally right there. Aydenne, Baby, you know I’d never seriously do something to make you uncomfortable. You know I’m not like that.”

His hand is still on her thigh.

EXT LODGE FRONT – DAY

The SUV pulls up to a remote, luxurious private lodge. Nevaeh parks. All the humans get out, stretch their legs, admire the view, and start pulling out luggage.

NARRATION: “Normal wild animals are often negatively impacted by the presence of humans in their habitats, but uncanny beasts thrive on increased access to the so-called ‘dominant species of Earth.’”

The humans bring their belongings inside the lodge.

Focus shifts to a deck on the side of the building, which has a hot tub, a propane grill, and all the high-quality outdoor furniture someone would want. With a little zooming and refocusing, it becomes more clear that Belinda is resting in “cat loaf” position just under the deck. Her cub sleeps beside her.

NARRATION: “The popularity of winter sports in North America have allowed mature female Snowslashers like Belinda to raise a cub every other year. Their numbers tripled between the Nimue University studies in 1951 and 1971. After a brief population boom in the 1980’s, their numbers have remained near a steady 15,000 throughout Canada and the United States, and in Mexico’s Sierra Madre Occidental mountain range.”

The cub wakes up. He has the kind of stretch that makes pet owners say, “Ooh, big stretch!”

NARRATION: “This is Belinda’s sixth cub. We haven’t yet tagged it, so it still awaits its 2025-Colorado designation, but we have seen that it’s male. For now, we’re calling him Hector.”

It starts to snow. Belinda sniffs the air. She stands. She rubs against the nearest support post of the deck. Hector copies her. She strolls to a nearby boulder and scratches it, her claws marking the stone as easily as a regular cat scores wood. Again, Hector mimics her.

NARRATION: “Snowslashers are fiercely territorial predators. Belinda’s first lesson for Hector is how to mark a territory with pheromones released from glands in the head and paws. Scratching also helps them maintain the desired length and sharpness of their formidable claws.”

Hector gently places a paw on a rear tire of the SUV. Delighted by the texture, he shreds first that tire and then the other rear one.

NARRATION: “And sometimes, it’s just plain fun.”

Kenny opens the sliding door to the deck. The sound startles the Snowslashers, which vanish into the nearest bushes.

Kenny uncovers the hot tub. Steam rises into the falling snow. He nudges the temperature setting down from 104°F to 99°F and returns to the door.

NEVAEH (through the open sliding door): “Kenny! Set it to 99!”

KENNY (loud): “I did!”

KENNY (quiet): “Stupid, spoiled whore.”

EXT DECK – NIGHT

Light spills out of the lodge windows. The deck also has strings of little lightbulbs, all glowing in the snow.

The humans are wearing swimsuits and soaking in the hot tub. Each holds a martini glass. They have three pitchers—one empty, and two with a vibrantly colored cocktail.

The Snowslashers lounge on the lodge roof, camouflaged with the shadows and snow.

NARRATION: “Lesson Two: patience. A herd of six humans could unite their efforts and escape a predator. Worse, they might fight back successfully. A patient Snowslasher waits for one of their prey to separate from the group.”

AMANDA: “Never have I ever gotten busy outdoors.”

Nevaeh, Tristan, and Aydenne all sip their cocktails.

KENNY: “Seriously?”

NEVAEH: “What?”

KENNY: “Where was I during that particular experiment?”

NEVEAH: “Babe, you know it’s only been you since I got to college.”

KENNY: “It better be.”

AMANDA: “Oh come on. We can’t start shaming someone for being a slut in high school. We don’t want Aydenne to feel weird.”

AYDENNE: “What?”

TRISTAN: “Take it back, you prude. I’m Aydenne’s first and only. She isn’t a slut.”

RADFORD: “I mean, it isn’t like pure, virginal high schoolers date guys in their mid twenties.”

AMANDA: “But it’s okay.”

TRISTAN: “We stuck to third base before she turned eighteen.”

Aydenne nods. Radford, Kenny, and Nevaeh wince.

AMANDA: “I said it’s okay. Aydenne is old enough to make her own decisions.”

NEVAEH: “True. Do what you want with your own body, girl.”

AMANDA: “Yes! Sex positivity.”

RADFORD: “Does that mean you’ll finally let me…”

Radford wiggles his eyebrows at Amanda. She responds with a stony glare.

NEVAEH: “Never have I ever been handcuffed.”

Radford and Aydenne drink.

AYDENNE (slurring): “This isn’t fair. If I played this game in October, I’d be super soaker. Super sober.”

TRISTAN: “Sober is boring. Besides, drinking dulls down that pesky gag reflex.”

AMANDA: “Who handcuffed you?”

RADFORD: “I was kinda-sorta arrested my freshman year.”

AMANDA: “Arrested?”

RADFORD: “A little bit.”

NEVAEH: “How do you get ‘a little bit’ arrested?”

KENNY: “A bunch of us were drunk and tagging some alley wall. We scattered when a cop came. Radford here ran slowest, so the rest of us got away.”

RADFORD: “It’s not like the charges stuck, anyway.”

AYDENNE (slurring): “I couldn’t’ve played this game in October. I never drank before Tristan.”

KENNY: “I think some of us could switch to water.”

Tristan pours more of the cocktail into Aydenne’s glass.

TRISTAN: “She can put gin in her body if she wants to.”

AYDENNE (slurring): “Water’s good for your complexion. Here you go!”

Aydenne hands her glass to Kenny. She starts to leave the hot tub.

TRISTAN: “Where are you going?”

AYDENNE (slurring): “Out of the soaky water and towards the drinky water.”

Tristan, Belinda and Hector all watch Aydenne’s every move as she climbs down the hot tub steps. Water drips off of her. The snowy air raises goosebumps all over her skin.

NARRATION: “Will the youngest of the herd be the first to go?”

Aydenne enters the lodge through the sliding door. Belinda and Hector return their attention to the hot tub.

NARRATION: “Not yet.”

TRISTAN: “Never have I ever led someone on, to make them think I was going to do something really nice for them, only to be a whiny bitch and not do it.”

NEVAEH, KENNY, AMANDA, RADFORD (each to their significant other): “Take a drink.”

EXT LODGE FRONT – NIGHT

All the humans but Aydenne remain in the hot tub, drinking and chatting. Snow continues to fall. The Snowslashers haven’t moved from their perch on the roof.

Aydenne stumbles out of the front door. She’s wearing leggings and Tristan’s hoodie, but no coat or shoes. Her hair is soaking wet.

NEVAEH: “Was that the front door?”

NARRATION: “An opportunity presents itself.”

Belinda stalks towards the front of the lodge. Hector prances after her, dislodging enough snow from the roof to warn sober, observant people of the threat. No one notices.

The Snowslashers watch from the roof as Aydenne walks, swaying and uneven, to the SUV.

KENNY: “Aydenne? Is that you?”

AYDENNE (slurring): “It is me!”

TRISTAN: “Damn it, Aydenne, what are you doing?”

Aydenne opens the back door to the SUV and reaches in. Her reply might be along the lines of “Forgot my water bottle,” but the vehicle swallows the sound.

The Snowslashers nimbly jump from the roof to the top of the woodpile, then to the shadows beside the lodge wall. Hector crouches low and wiggles his butt. Belinda stands at the ready.

Tristan leaves the hot tub and comes to the railing of the deck nearest the front of the house. He can’t see Aydenne or the SUV.

TRISTAN: “Aydenne. What the hell are you doing?”

Aydenne emerges from the back of the SUV with a sticker-covered water bottle.

AYDENNE (slurring): “Freezing my feet off and getting my water bottle!”

Belinda and Hector prepare to sprint. Aydenne slams the SUV door with such suddenness that both cats flinch back.

NEVAEH: “We have plenty of glasses and water inside!”

AYDENNE (slurring): “Well maybe I should have thought of that! I’m going to bed.”

Aydenne makes it safely indoors.

Hector mews plaintively.

Belinda settles down into loaf position.

NARRATION: “Snowslashers are one kind of predator that excels at waiting.”

EXT DECK – NIGHT

Nevaeh, Kenny, Amanda, and Radford are still in the hot tub. Tristan crosses from the front of the deck to the sliding door.

KENNY: “You sleepy? Little old man getting an early bed time?”

TRISTAN: “Shut up, bruh. I’m getting something before she throws up or passes out.”

Tristan leaves.

EXT LODGE – MIDDLE OF NIGHT

The deck lights are off. Only one front window reveals a lit room. Belinda is loafed against the front wall, nearly invisible in the falling snow. Hector sleeps with his back to her, his legs haphazardly pointing towards the SUV. His little pink toe beans are visible.

NARRATION: “Belinda and Hector get their ‘midnight snack’ at about two o’clock in the morning.”

Radford quietly exits the front door. He prepared for the cold with boots, coat, and hat. He still shivers. He lights a cigarette and smokes.

Belinda adjusts to a low crouch. Her movement wakes Hector, who takes a moment to catch on. Then, he excitedly matches her position.

Radford gets a few puffs in before Belinda pounces.

No one hears his yelp.

He’s a strong young man. He manages to tussle and even punch Belinda in the face. The fight rolls them past the deck and down the slope into a heavily wooded area.

EXT WOODS – NIGHT

The camera follows Belinda, Radford and Hector into the woods. The scene becomes too dark to see, then switches to night vision.

NARRATION: “Infrared cameras help us capture Lesson Three: how to kill their prey and drink its blood.”

Belinda pins Radford. One of her large forepaws covers his face, pushing him down into the ground. The other immobilizes his hand, palm-up. Her weight rests on his body. His other hand can barely flail.

Hector watches intently as Belinda hooks a saber tooth under the hem of Radford’s sleeve. She pulls the fabric up, exposing his bare forearm to the world. She runs the same tooth from his elbow to the base of his palm, tracing a deadly path with a cut so shallow it barely bleeds.

NARRATION: “Every species of uncanny beast has its own unique method for predation. Normal cats sink their teeth into their prey’s flesh and tear away the meat.”

Hector slashes Radford’s ulnar artery with one of his saber teeth. Radford screams into Belinda’s paw. The baby Snowslasher presses his mouth to the wound and drinks. Once Radford stops squirming, Belinda adjusts her position to open his other wrist and feed.

NARRATION: “Snowslashers get their name for the thin, deep cuts they slice into their meal. Some have occasionally been spotted chewing on meat or bone, but usually they have their fill of blood and leave the rest for scavengers.”

EXT WOODS – DAY

The snow has stopped. Amanda searches the woods alone.

AMANDA: “Radford? Rad? Hello? Radford?”

NARRATION: “Perhaps one of the reasons Snowslashers like to eat humans is the ease with which this prey leaves the safety of its herd.”

Belinda pounces on Amanda.

EXT WOODS – DAY

Nevaeh and Kenny have found Radford’s remains.

KENNY: “Oh my god. I had no idea he was this depressed.”

NEVAEH: “Where’s the knife?”

KENNY: “What?”

NEVAEH: “If he did this to himself, where is his knife?”

Nevaeh and Kenny search the surrounding area.

NARRATION: “Perhaps it is the humans’ distractability, or the arrogance that leads them into a predator’s territory with no precautions at all.”

Belinda pounces on Nevaeh. Kenny tackles the Snowslasher. In the chaos, Nevaeh pulls away and Belinda pins Kenny to the ground. Nevaeh sees Hector crouch and prepare a pounce. She kicks the cub so hard he slams into a nearby tree. She runs.

INT SUV – DAY

Nevaeh drives, obviously panicking. In the back seat, Tristan fades in and out of consciousness as Aydenne applies pressure to a bloody slash on his thigh.

AYDENNE: “Stay with me. Stay with me!”

EXT SNOWY MOUNTAIN ROAD – DAY

The SUV’s front wheels aren’t stable on the unplowed, steeply graded road. The rear tires are completely gone, the rims almost useless. At a high switchback, the vehicle slides into the air and falls to the trees.

INT WOODS – DAY

The SUV is wrecked on the forest floor, and it took a fair amount of branches and a few whole trees with it. Aydenne crawls out of the rubble.

She looks around. She sees Belinda and Hector drinking directly from Nevaeh’s throat.

Tristan reaches for Aydenne through a shattered window. His voice is so weak, his words barely disturb the frozen air.

TRISTAN: “Stuck… help… stuck…”

Aydenne looks from Tristan to the Snowslashers. As quietly as she can, she removes her skis and poles from the wreckage.

NARRATION: “The blood of five humans is more than adequate for the appetites of a mother and cub Snowslasher.”

EXT MOUNTAINSIDE – DAY

Aydenne skis downhill, completely alone.

NARRATION: “Unfortunately for the last member of this herd, Hector’s father’s territory is adjacent to Belinda’s.”

A solitary Snowslasher attempts to pounce on Aydenne. She is skiing too fast. He chases for a few seconds, but she escapes.

NARRATION: “Oh, well. Only about thirty percent of a Snowslasher’s attempted hunts end in success. There will be another human later.”

EXT DECK – DAY

Belinda and Hector relax in the hot tub, resting their chins on the rim.

NARRATION: “In any case, Belinda ends the hunt with Lesson Four: how to unwind.

“Thank you for joining us for The Life of Uncanny Beasts, Episode Nine: ‘The Snowslasher.’”

INT GREENHOUSE – DAY

There appear to be several thriving potted nepenthes. They’re surrounded by flowers, fruiting trees, and all sorts of lush greenery.

NARRATION: “Join us next week for Episode Ten: ‘The Pitcher Mimic.’”

One of the “nepenthes pots” opens a sharp-toothed maw.

CREDITS