The Probability of Dead Air

The signal was all wrong. Neither frequency nor amplitude modulated, it rode on different waves altogether. The closest thing with which Dr. Holmstrom could associate it was the gamma portion of the electromagnetic spectrum.

But it was noisy, which is what caught his attention. Yet, beyond hearing it, the audiologist was impotent.

He had been hired by a cryptology section of the NSA, who had heard it first. The wav-file conversion was only 13.8 megabytes, easily passed from secure servers to his own government email account.

Data-wise, it was nonsense, thereby assuaging any fears of it falling into the wrong. hands. Dr. Everett Holmstrom's, hands, however, were the right ones.

He began applying several radiation filters to the file, which is why he had finally homed in on the gamma spectrum. What he ended up with was further nonsense, it seemed, until he realized the data wasn't the sound itself or what might be hidden in it, but an algorithm whose variables needed to be populated.

With what?

Another mystery. A mystery surrounded by an enigma.

Would he have to randomly go through what was likely an infinite assortment of values, plant them in sequentially--the sequence itself a sequence? How do you take a picture of the Invisible Man?

Then he was "invited" to collaborate with AI from one of the AI corporations who preferred to remain anonymous. They suggested he dump the file into their processing prowess. True, if it would take an infinite number of tries at plugging in variable after variable, then it would take an infinity to crack it. But what if the AI got lucky and found the right combination that would finally show in less time than infinity? Or less than a century? Or less than a decade. When you're talking AI, you're talking human millennia of such sequences in mere dog-years.

Dr. Holmstrom took them up on their offer, and a direct interface with their AI was patched into his computer via a private download. His employer, also anonymous but government funded, told him that this was now his only job. His only job?

Thus, after engaging the data he had into the AI, he went on vacation. He had always wanted to see Hawai'i, and he knew that by the time he returned he probably wouldn't have missed anything. What were the chances of the answer arriving after only two weeks? After 0.000000001% of, for all practical purposes, infinity?

Everett Holmstrom, PhD, had a wonderful time. He got to play with the telescope on Mauna Koa, swim with dolphins, step over thin branches of lava streams, and even catch the famous "green flash" of the setting sun over the Pacific.

He came back to his lab tan and relaxed and when he did, the data was there.

The data was there!

The file was there. The sound of the broadcast--for that is what it was--was ready to be played. Sure, it too would be nonsense before putting it through the Language Learning Module translators, but doing that would be the easy part. It wouldn't afford him a return to Hawai'i; it wouldn't even allow him a walk to Starbucks. He only had time to use the restroom, which he did, not wanting to challenge any sphincters by hearing what the Cosmos had sent directly to Earth.

The physics was especially complicated, requiring a quantum sensibility and a tesseract mindset to hear--through the quantum prism--the message, for it was an interdimensional message:

Your dimension, "5Y6EP6W00-3," one of an infinite number in the Multiverse, has been scheduled for demolition, although if it will help, it is more like downsizing by having the "5Y6EP6W00-2" and the "5Y6EP6W00-4" dimensions, by mutual agreement, assimilate it. Since each of these recipient dimensions will divide and share portions of yours, there will be nothing left for you, save some supradimensional debris. Please understand that there cannot be any imbalance between and among all universes and dimensions, and this downsizing will restore the stability of the Multiverse and collate the dimensions properly again.

You may well ask, what will it feel like to have your very atoms sieved away at Planck lengths? The bad news is that it will be very unpleasant; you won't like it; and you likely will have a very bad day. The good news is it won't take an infinity, so your suffering will be limited to less than that, the exact duration beyond even our capabilities to guess. But just think how lucky you were to reach out to us after only 0.000000001% of your so-called "infinite" search.

Could happen again. After all, isn't everything just a probability cloud?

As to when...well, it's already happened. What you're currently experiencing isn't realtime, but ghost vibrations you're sensing when you are actually being spaghettified in an atemporal agony of multiversal proportions. If it helps, think of it coming on this Thursday.

The pain? Wait for it...

Dimensions 5Y6EP6W00-2 and 5Y6EP6W00-4 are pleased to welcome the strange and often humorous physics of your 5Y6EP6W00-3 Dimension. Who could have guessed that F=(M)x(A) could happen anywhere?

Be happy you have restored balance to the Multiverse and have a nice day.

The interdimensional downsizing collapsed and redistributed in far less than an infinity--not even a third of it. And for that Dr. Holmstrom would be grateful.

Until Thursday.