The Little Black Book

As the sky began to mourn above me, I clenched my fraudulent hands against the spine of the book that had single-handedly ended my life.

I stared at my reflection and contemplated if my tears would erase the ink I once engraved on its sinister pages. But it already was too late. I knew that the price had been paid. I chose to indulge in something I had no business in, and now the warmth of the furnace beside me was not enough to cuddle me in my time of desperation. 
 

But this is not about me or taking my life; it's about how I took everyone else's. 

It began as a somewhat normal day. Gym, Work, home - the usual. It was Dylans' turn to cook, so I could dodge the hustle and catch the early train back. 

“Ahh, a seat!”,  I exclaimed to myself. A rarity I was embarrassingly grateful for! 

I reached for my notebook as I sat down to reminisce about all the other things I was grateful for that day. I loved to write. It was therapy for me. 

Clasping my loose pages in one hand, I jotted down my thoughts. “It’s time for a new pad Vanessa!” I smirked to myself. 

But I couldn’t afford one just yet. Dylan and I were struggling. Times had been difficult for us since he’d been made redundant and my reception job was barely getting us through. 

I finally reached Elephant & Castle, my glorious hometown. Stumbling off of the train in a non-sober manner, I bumped into a grey-haired, little woman whose scent reflected an offensive concoction of decomposed meat and spoiled milk. “I’m so sorry!” I gagged as I stooped out of her way. Oblivious to our encounter, she rushed onto the closing train as her grocery bag split at the handles. 

Out of it escaped a few battered oranges, some well-travelled crossword puzzles, and a little black book. 


Helplessly, I stood and watched as the tube casually pulled out of the station. Immediately, I gathered her treasures and headed for the bin. In went the oranges, the puzzles and…wait!

 A glimmer of the palm-sized book caught my eye and read “Your Desires” in fluorescent gold ink. I flicked through the pages and surprisingly noticed it was unused. Chuffed with my complimentary gift, I delicately opened its first page which boldly stated:

“Your wildest desires will come true when you put pen to paper”


OK?! I thought to myself. We need money!! I viciously scribbled underneath it. I slammed the book between my palms and playfully imagined winning the lottery throughout the rest of my journey home. 


A harsh aroma of burnt chicken flooded the hallway as I approached our flat.

I pushed my key into the door and was greeted by a thick blanket of smoke. “Are you trying to burn this place down?!” I coughed as I walked through the door. 

Dylan stormed into the hallway, pacing up and down frantically waving a tea towel at the smoke alarm he had raised. 

“It’s ok, I’ll sort it” I blurted, as I ran over to help. 

His face was flushed and his hands were clammier than usual. Something was wrong! “Hey, it’s fine. We’ll get a pizza!” I reassured him. 

“No!” He exclaimed. “It’s my dad Vanessa!! He’s dead!” He wailed as he collapsed to the floor. 


Kerching! My phone erupted. I knew that sound. It meant that money had gone into my account. It could only be a refund?! I glared at the notification bar. $5000 had been paid to me. WHAT?!!!

I nervously shoved my phone into my pocket before he could notice. “I’m so sorry” I whispered as a tear regrettably rolled down my cheek. 

How the hell??? It couldn't have been me? Could it? That book? No, that’s insane! I probed myself. 

I squeezed Dylan tighter whilst kissing his forehead. My bosoms pressed into his face “I can't breathe” he chuckled as he let out one last sigh. 

I giggled and rolled over onto the floor next to him taking his hand. 

“At least we don’t have to go back to Dad’s for Christmas this year” Dylan joked.

He had a weird relationship with his father so I knew his pain was more from shock than of him passing.

“Finally!” I chuckled deviously with a hint of remorse. 

Once we composed ourselves and Dylan had left my sight, I reached for my phone again. I saw it right. $5000! 

My eyes were gleaming. Do you know what we could do with $5000? I asked myself! I didn’t care where or who it came from. I just knew it was ours to keep and we had got it for nothing. 

Then, instantly a dark presence concealed my surroundings, and I remembered. I rummaged through my bag to investigate the likelihood of me going insane, and this all being one big coincidence. I flipped open the first page, only, the page was empty. 

“Should I open up a tab?” “Yes!” I replied, “and another “Pink Moscato” I squealed, giggling with embarrassment as a hiccup escaped my lips. Gosh, I’m such a bad flirt! 

“Sure” he winked. He winked at me! I awkwardly tucked my hair behind my ear and reached into my bag for my little acquaintance. 

Surely, I couldn’t be thinking about this? Not now. I'm drunk. 

it’s only been three weeks. I argued with myself for some time. “But what about Dylan? He’s lost everything” I yelled to myself. But the bad influence on my shoulder whispered of everything I had gained. $5000. 

I idly danced my pen between my fingers and tempted the idea of doing it again. Winning this again could change mine and Dylans’ lives. We could have everything we wanted. A carefree life. 


I convinced myself. Quite easily to be fair. I stroked my biro against the ruled pages. 

I wish for more money. More than before. I wrote.

Smugly and shockingly proud of myself, I leaned against the counter, casually sipping my Rosé.

Too relaxed for what I was waiting to find out, but I’d been here before. Could it honestly happen again? I thought to myself. Surely, not I reassured myself. But if it did, I’d be satisfied with another in-law. 

My phone began to aggressively vibrate across the bar and my heart joined its violent rhythm by thumping in my chest. It was my mum. 

No!! Please!! Don’t let it be...

“Vanessa?!!” She shouted. 

“Mum, what’s wrong is everyone ok.”

My phone vibrated again between my face and palm to alert me that the transfer had been made. I’d never felt so sick in my life. 

“It’s your dad” she whimpered. 

Before she could finish, my heart collapsed. My spine folded as I curled up into my stool.

“He’s been trying to call you all day!” She continued.

“Mum, you scared the life out of me” I murmured with relief. “It’s fine, Megan and I are coming over this evening so we’ll see you both then”. I explained.

I hung up the phone, paid my damages, and caught sight that $10,000 had been deposited into my account. I couldn’t disguise the grin I had across my face. But it was fine, blame it on the alcohol, right?!!

I allowed a few hours to pass so that I could be in a respectable state for my parents. 

It must be a long-lost uncle? I thought to myself as I kissed Dylan on my way out. 

I shrugged, happily knowing that it was no one close to home this time. 

As I approached my sisters' house I had an airy feeling. But I had just spoken to her, so I knew she was fine!

“Vanessa!!” Megan shouted with excitement. 

It was her. I inhaled deeply. 

“What's wrong with you man, you look like you just killed someone?!” She jested as she poked my rib. 

“Shut up” I joked as I pinched her arm. 

She knew me all too well, and I loved and hated her for it.


We linked arms as we continued to our childhood home, excited for what would be the first home-cooked meal of the week for the both of us. Pathetic, I know!                

The table was stocked with my favourites. Roast Pork, Parsnips, seasoned potatoes, it was like Christmas again!

“Pass me the gravy!” I chanted. It was mums' specialty.

The evening flowed with our conversation drifting from childhood memories to work and my current situation. 

I evasively danced around the interrogation and explained that I had something exciting in the pipelines. 

Megan choked on her laughter as she mocked me! “You're always up to something Ness.” she giggled.

Without warning, her innocent gasp began to strangle her. Her eyes started welling up as she stared at me in desperation. 

“HELP HER!” I screamed as I leaped across the table. 

Her face began to explode with purple fragments as she struggled to ground. 

Vividly I shook her, relentlessly trying to bring her back to us. 

I looked up at my parents. Startled at what they had witnessed, they stated back at me, trembling in confusion and pain. 

What the fuck have I done?

I now own ten thousand reasons to hate myself, well, $15,000 to be precise. But, a dollar for every tear isn’t enough to consume my pain. My sister is gone, and I am still undeservingly here. Selfishly, wallowing in guilt and greed. Was once not enough?

I didn’t care about Dylans Dad and neither did he, but this stung. This mutilated my soul.

“WAS MY SISTERS LIFE NOT WORTH MORE THAN $10,000???” I roared to the universe! 

In deep confusion, I wept myself to sleep for several months. I tried to understand why this was happening and why through all of the pain, I still yearned for more. The money I’d received wasn’t enough. And we’d spent so much of it on funerals and debts that we barely got to enjoy it. We needed more. I needed more. 

I couldn’t think of anything worse happening and figured that the fact that I had asked for more money resulted in my sister paying the price. 

I summated that the book would work in some sort of pattern and that I could play it at its own game. What if I wrote the same thing I did the first time? Then someone would go, but no-one we truly cared about. 

I was convinced. We need money! I penciled. Anxiously.

I grabbed my phone, anticipating the sound of glory dropping into our lives again. Kerching! There it was!!

The sound of financial freedom for us, the sound of a well-deserved getaway for two! I glanced at the screen that once brought me joy, and it didn’t disappoint. $5000. 

“YES,” I squealed!! I was right!! I’d beat the little black bastard of a book!! 


I ran into the living room to tell Dylan to get ready for a holiday!!! “Dylan!!” I yelled across the flat!! “I’ve got some good news baby!!!”

I hurdled over the sofa onto Dylans' lap with a massive grin on my face. I could not contain my excitement! 

“Dylan, wake up” I stuttered tensely, almost afraid to look at him. 

“I’m sorry!” He whimpered. 

“Fuck” I exhaled. “Sorry for what?!

“DYLAN WHAT DID YOU DO??” I screeched as I shook him. 

His eyes rolled away from me as he hummed his last breath.

“NO!!” I pleaded!!