The Day the Music Stopped

The snow was fluttering down blanketing the neighbourhood as I made my way to check the mail, there was nothing special about today. I had woken up a couple hours ago, my one day this week I had off and had big plans of staying inside all day. I had a new book that was calling my name and since the weather called for even more snow, the fireplace has been burning since dawn. The whole day was dedicated to staying cosy with my dog and copious cups of tea, that was until I checked the mail.

A thick catalogue envelope was folded in half and shoved into my mailbox, it had my name but no return address. I clutched the parcel as I walked back into my home, I tossed my keys into the bowl near the door and made my way back to my chair that was currently being occupied by my yellow lab. He hopped down, stretched then curled up in front of the fire. I began to open the mysterious envelope, by the time I sank into the chair, there it was. A little black notebook, stuck to the cover was a small sticky note with my name on it. Levi. What is this? The fire crackled as I opened to the first page, the date was written in cursive writing on the top of the page.

July 7,

Well here we are, Anna. What have you gotten yourself into this time?

Anna. I immediately felt my body tense, I felt as if I was swallowing lumps of air that were getting trapped in my chest. I couldn’t move so I just kept reading.

I already know my therapist is going to ask me to keep a journal, this isn’t my first time I’ve tried. And I know it helps, but in the moment recording how I feel is the last thing on my mind. Maybe this will be fun to look back on one day?

Well, I ended up in the hospital. I guess I didn’t notice how bad it was getting, how bad I was getting. I can’t seem to get a grip on my life, nothing is working out and it is a constant battle between me and the thoughts in my head. Maybe when the delusions and hallucinations stop, maybe when I can fall asleep without being haunted by the shadows in the doorway, maybe I will get my life together when I can have a single thought to myself. As of right now I’m sitting on a bench outside the garden. It’s early July so there are flowers everywhere and there is a small trail behind me scattered with trees. The sun is beaming down on my skin and I notice how warm it is. The wind is calm, but I wonder how long I will have to stay here?

The creaking of the stairs pulled me back to my surroundings, that must be my brother waking up. He came down the stairs in a slump still half asleep from the late night before. He mutters something under his breath.

“Good morning to you too” I partly smile and roll my eyes, he never was a morning person. I look back down at the book in my hands and for some reason I felt guilt, as if I needed to hide it from him. Our lab went over to greet him, tail wagging as if it had been days since they'd last seen each other. After a few moments of them playing together, Matthew swings the front door open and grabs the newspaper from the porch. He got a good look at me, slightly tilted his head and scrunched his face.

“Are you okay? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

“Yeah- I’m good, just reading a scary book I guess...” I forced a laugh to assure him everything was okay, nothing weird here. He can tell by my shaky voice I am lying, but he knows better than to push it.

“Okay... Well I am going to make coffee, I’ll be in the kitchen if you need anything.” He saunters into the kitchen followed closely by the dog.

I felt bad for lying to him, after all he is the only person who was there for me even when I got sick. He really is all I have. But, nothing is wrong. Plus he will only have questions and I have no answers for him right now. I looked back down at the little black book in my hands and ran my thumb over the sticky note attached to the front. Levi.

So, it’s been quite the day.

There is a basketball game playing on the T.V. in the common room and I am going to use this time to journal. I met a couple of people on the unit, they seem nice. I am sure I will get to know them as time passes. One of them is super cute, his blue eyes are intoxicating and I get hung up on every word he says... I think his name is Levi. There is something about him.

My palms were sweating and my heart felt like it was going to beat out of my chest. Time stopped as I kept reading the journal. There were certain passages that jumped out to me. We talked a lot about our battles when we were together, but it gave me an eerie feeling to read it in her own words.

July 10

I just need a friend.

This is torture.

Three doctors spoke to me today. THREE. They are changing my medication again.

My therapist said my hallucinations should go away once I start getting better.

I saw mom today, I couldn’t tell her everything. I am sure I will tell her one day, but I can’t make myself do it yet.

Today Levi and I skipped our sessions and went for a three hour walk. I have never opened up to anyone the way I do with him. He really understands where I am coming from. We laid by the river and told each other all our secrets.

July 17

I didn’t sleep last night, I kept having those dreams. Some nights they are more bearable than other nights. Not this time, the man from the hallway came into my room and sat down beside my bed. He held my hand while I couldn’t move. I could smell him. Cheap aftershave and tobacco. He lets out a low chuckle, I get the chills from that noise. It plays over and over in my head. His grip around my hand tightens as I feel him shift closer to me. He moves his hands up my arm to my neck and he squeezes. I can’t breath and I still can’t move. All I can do is lay there and try to cry out for help. How did this man get here? He has never been this close to me. Sometimes I see him outside my window, sometimes he is behind me while I walk down the hallways. He is always there. He is never nice, and neither are his friends. I can never escape him.

My dreams are not in charge of my mind. But, who are in the midst of my delusions?

It is never quiet. I am exhausted.

I found out Levi is getting discharged! I’m so excited for him, but a part of me is selfish and I am going to miss him. I am going to be alone, again.

July 23,

You walked away and I knew that was the last time I would see you. It is never going to be the same. The soul that walked away from me isn’t the same as when I started this journey. As you spoke your voice cracked, your eyes began to well and I watched as your heart broke in front of me.Your spirit was reaching out as I watched your lifeline struggle to stand tall. I used to be able to see your thoughts, to feel your aches. We synchronised together after all the time we spent reliant on each other. When we laid by the river I used to hear the stream flow in tune with your heartbeat. But I felt that break today. The music stopped and the world went silent. You walked away and I reached out for you for the last time but you were too far gone to come back.I felt my heart sink into darkness, missing your guidance. What was once deafening to us, our patterns, the drumming in tune to each other, the music that was made just by us being together. It’s gone. I’m lost in the quiet now. Alone. I felt your heartbreak as you walked away. Silence.

You left me on the side as I watched you on the way to grow towards better things.

I said goodbye today.

I felt heavy as I read her perspective of what happened. I remembered the moment, I remembered wanting to do nothing more than turn around and take her with me, but I knew she needed to be there. No matter how much it hurt, we both deserved to have a chance to get better and we could not do that together.

I couldn’t breath. I closed the book and tried to calm myself down. I felt myself getting caught up in the air around me, gasping for a breath. I was trying to block any tears that wanted to come out. This little book had only brought me more questions and I still do not know what I am supposed to do.

Matthew was standing in the doorway between the kitchen and the living room, holding a chunk of the newspaper. His usual smirk was gone from his face as he just stands there, looking at me. I knew I needed to see whatever was in his hands. I stood up and the notebook fell to the ground from my lap and Matthew extended his hand as he passed me the obituary section of the newspaper. That’s when I see it, your name. Anna Haile, 1996-2020. What is happening? I kept rereading the article but nothing changed.

Matthew grabbed my shoulders, guided me to the chair and I fell back into my seat. I bent over to grab the little notebook and an envelope drifted from the back. I picked it up and there were two pieces of paper.

November. 21

Hi Levi, I know it has been a few months. And I am sorry about losing contact. I’ve been sort of struggling over here, but that doesn’t matter right now. I know you are one of the people I can trust, no one seemed to understand me like you. I just wanted you to know that all of our time spent together meant the world to me. Regardless of what happens to me I want you to take care of yourself, you deserve the best life and I wanted to thank you. You changed my life for the better. You were my light.

I have no use for this now. So what you do is up to you. It may not be much but you could pay some bills, get yourself that trip to Italy, or donate it to the hospital that tried to save my life. You just have to promise me one thing, do whatever makes you happy.

By now I am sure you know...

I’m sorry.

Love Anna

I cannot think about what is happening right now. My head is spinning, I felt like I was going to faint. Matthew sat beside me and draped his arm around my shoulder. He said nothing. I was alone with my thoughts. I said nothing. I put the letter back into the envelope and pulled out the second piece of paper. A cheque for $20 000. With my name. Levi.