Thalassophobia

I stood trembling on the dock before the massive water vessel bobbing before me. My reflection was distorted by the restless current, lazily lapping at the massive metallic edge. No matter how many times I blinked my eyes I still felt like they were bulging out of my head. This enormous hunk of welded together metal that appeared to defy gravity was not just a figment of my worse nightmares. It was very real and this situation wasn’t going away. It had to be a three-day graduation cruise.

Honestly, I should be over this by now!

Eight different attempts at swimming lessons and 10 years of therapy, wasted. I still can’t even stand in water that reaches my ankles without going into a minor panic attack. I’m not saying that therapy doesn’t work, I’m just saying exposure therapy is definitely not for the faint of heart. Exposure therapy requires consistency and diligence which was too much for me to commit to at my age.

Technically, my parents had the final say but being the progressive parental units they are, they never force me to do anything I don’t want to. To my mother, the high-standing socialite she is, appearance and status are everything. What would the neighbors think if they knew her perfect only child was getting her head “shrinked”? How could she walk the streets with her head held high with everyone whispering behind her back? The horror! My dad was more worried about, ironically, how intensive therapy would affect my self-esteem and my relationship with him. He didn’t want me to think that I was a burden to him in any way. His sediments were always that he’d love me no matter what, that he would always be my dad, and that I could tell him anything, always.

I love my parents but they definitely have their oddities. If they could microchip me with a tracking device like a family pet I’m sure they would. My mother not so secretly installed a hidden tracking app on my phone to keep tabs on me which is pointless as I’m a horrible liar thus, I’m an open book. My dad takes a more direct approach and texts me at random times throughout the day, not so casually inquiring about my mental state. It gets tedious at times but I suppose this is minor compared to what other parents do after they almost lose their only child.

When I was younger, I contracted this weird infection that traveled to my brain causing it to swell and I apparently fell into a coma for about a week. I’m not quite sure the exact details, my mother won’t discuss it further and prohibits my dad from telling me anything specific. To mother, it’s just a horrible reminder of how she almost lost me and she can’t bear to relive it. I have no memory before age eight and it’s maddening that such a large chunk of my life is just nonexistent to me. My mother says it’s a blessing because she can only imagine the pain I was in and that I should consider my “blank slate” a gift. Selective amnesia isn’t all it’s cracked up to be and if I could, I’d exchange it for the ability to be around water like a normal person. But I guess the great mental health gods just won’t let it be so.

I have survived four years of high school and graduated valedictorian with a perfect GPA. I even managed to earn my gym credit after teaching a summer dance class to middle school kids instead of suffering through yet another attempt to be taught swimming as a gym credit.

Academics have always been easy for me. I get my love of learning from my dad, who is the biggest and proudest self-proclaimed “nerd” I know. Aside from a physical resemblance, my dad and I are alike in every way possible. We’re both athletic; we both ran track and I’m also a dancer and former gymnast. We have the same taste in music, movies, and we’re both avid readers. We have the same dark sense of humor and we are way too opinionated for our own good.

My high school social life was about as easy as life was for Galileo after he told everyone that Earth wasn’t the center of the universe. Really, it was more annoying than anything. I had ticked off the high school “queen bee”, Connie Williams. Once she had an issue with me, so did her clan and anyone else begging to bask in the warm glow and protection of her squad. This chick was the classic TV mean girl. What she didn’t seem to understand was that petty high school psychological warfare only worked when one party had some kind of upper hand. She had nothing I wanted. Besides track, her influence over social cliques didn’t have much of a bearing on me. She made sure I wasn’t particularly well-liked, but I was also one of the fastest girls on the track team. It was a “pick your battles” type of deal. I have my tiny circle of friends who are wonderfully weird and unwaveringly loyal. Popularity could buy a lot of things but brains aren't one of them. Connie was already top 10 in our class and unlike most TV villainesses she was intelligent. Valedictorian was the challenge she issued and that was her biggest mistake. Connie and I pushed each other to the brink. When the dust settled, I came out on top by a tenth of a point.

There wasn’t much she could do to change that outcome. She had issued a challenge and lost. But of course, she had connections and a backup end game. This was it. If there was ever a downfall to blatant transparency it would be ammunition for petty vendettas.

This aquatic monstrosity was her gift to me; the ultimate middle finger.

Mother was furious and almost convinced me not to go. She couldn’t really complain to the school about it without bringing backlash upon herself for obvious bias. So she begged and pleaded with me not to go for “fear of my physical safety” which is dramatic, even for her. Typically, what my mother wants she gets. To say she was shocked when I informed her that I’d be attending my graduation cruise is an understatement. What she didn’t know was that dad and I had a really long, and admittedly strange, conversation the night before. I felt like we were talking about graduation but really we were talking about something else entirely. Standing at the base of the ramp, I once again mulled over my dads’ words.

“We all have to face our deepest fears and demons at some point. We have to prove how much we’ve grown to ourselves. You have to be brave. You are in control. I trust you.”

Feeling like I've been sent off to war, here I am, being brave.

My deep purple sequin ball gown did little to shield the chill blowing in from the river and the black shaw only helped so much. I now regret my decision to wear my thick, black, shoulder-blade-length hair pinned up. I took a deep breath to try and steady my nerves before taking a step forward when I heard a familiar voice from the top of the ramp call out excitedly.

“She’s coming. She’s coming!” I glanced up and saw what looked like the entire graduating class being led by two of my closest friends, Sophia and Caleb, giving me a round of applause. Never being one that enjoyed being in the spotlight, I shot my friends a look of bewilderment. The applause continued but died down a little as Sophia took a few steps forwards. “This is it, you’re final test. If you can brave this mighty ship, you are telling your fears that they no longer have power over you! Life is all about crossing ramps with uncertain waters underneath to get to the next phase in our life. The journey will get scary but fear not! You won’t have to dawn it alone.” As if on queue, I felt two arms intertwine with mine on either side of me. I froze but felt a wave of relief wash over me when I realized I had linked arms with my other two confidants, Sam and Amber.

Oh, the joys of being a friend of thespians. There is never a dull moment and no event is too small to inspire theatrics.

Emboldened by the presence of my best friends and with tears beginning to fill my eyes, I nodded my head and we began walking up the ramp. The applause and cheers grew louder with each step as we made our way towards the top. All anxiety and apprehension I felt about the cruise melted away in that moment. It wasn’t so much the attention, it was simply the thought behind this gesture. When did they even have time to plan this, I thought to myself. The tears in my eyes threatened to overflow but I blinked them away and kept focusing on the climb. Caleb and Sophia started down the ramp to meet us and I knew that this was going to be a breeze. My last huge obstacle and everything would be a cake walk after this. Maybe the purpose of high school really was just a poorly executed attempt to build character.

With only a few feet left until the boat, I finally let go of Sam and Amber. These last few steps I wanted to take on my own. My classmates were in an uproar now, whistling and jumping up and down. To think these were people I didn’t even talk to for four years who were so invested in my growth.

Or at least that’s what I thought.

I was mere milimeters from the threshold of the boat when I suddenly felt something slam into my side. I was knocked off my feet. Then I was upside down. I landed hard on my hip, confused. What is going on? Who is attacking me? Whoever charged me knocked me all the way to the edge of the ramp. There was no siding to this ramp. There was no wall of protection. The only buffer between the ramp and a watery grave was two thick braided ropes that acted as a banister.

Now, I’m in danger.

I tried to get to my feet to shield myself from another blow when I felt another shove from behind me. I fell into the rope, much more violently this time. Gripping the rope as tight as I could, I swung my fist behind me blindly trying to put space between me and my mystery attacker. My fist connected with something fleshy and solid before I heard something hit the ramp with a hard thud. Finally, I turned to face whatever beast that kept charging me; it was Connie.

A gaggle of my classmates seemed to be pressing against a small group of other kids dressed in all black. Some of the assailants were trying to force themselves on the boat, others were just shoving and others were throwing punches. I need to get out of here, now! My mind was yelling at my body to move but I was frozen. It looked like Connie had hired some goons to crash the cruise, but she was dressed in a pink party dress. She was still in a ball near me, clutching her nose which was now dripping blood.

Did I hit the wrong person?

I started to kneel beside her when I started hearing sporadic splashes like things being dumped into the water.

Are people jumping off to save themselves?

I glanced up and to my horror, I saw graduates being thrown overboard. Off the boat. Off the ramp. I looked around for any of my friends when I realized Connie was now standing in front of me, seething with rage. She looked like she was going to send me right over the edge when I saw Sophia yank her by her hair and shove her in the direction of the boat’s threshold. She looked at me with wide eyes.

“Run!” She screamed at me. She turned toward Connie as she charged toward me again. Sophia gripped her again, losing her balance as she tried to throw her backward. Connie lost her footing and tumbled toward the edge of the ramp near the rope. Sophia grabbed at her again before throwing herself over the rope.

“No!”I yelled. Not again.

My body went into autopilot. I ran down the ramp as fast as I could. I have to save her. I’ve got to save her I repeated.

Suddenly I was five years old. My dad and I are at a park. There’s a stream. It’s moving fast. Dad gets a phone call. He walks away to take it. I walk near the stream and start to play with fish. Ow! Someone hit me! Ow! Where’s dad? I turn and see my older cousin Angela. She’s not nice. She hits me again and shoves me into the stream. I take in a mouthful of water. I lift up my head and call for dad. She hits me again. She puts me back in the water. She’s bigger than me. I don’t like her. Where’s dad? She pushed me again and again. She holds my head down. I can’t breathe. She lets me up. She laughs at me. I get angry. I see red. I punch her. She falls down. I hold her head underwater. She kicks. She fights. Then she’s still. She’s not mean anymore. Dad calls me. Jade. Again. Jade, what are you doing? Jade stop!

“Jade! Stop! Jade, stop it!” I can hear Sophia and Sam telling me. Their voices fill my head. The boat is in front of me. I’m now under the dock. Sam is restraining me. I can't move. Sophia asks me if I'm okay. I was looking for Sophia. I had to save Sophia. I have to stop Angela. She was hurting me. Angela was always hurting me. But Angela wasn’t in the water this time. It was Connie. But Connie was still now. She’s not mean anymore.