Tethered

Just one more hit. That was all it would take to make the pain go away, to make his mind wander to the corners of the universe. One more hit and he would be able to forget about his woes, the weight of the world that dragged him down constantly. Day in and day out it felt like the world was at a standstill, never moving, never changing. Every breath was labored, forced out of necessity. There were no good moments, there were no hopes left in his core, he was ready to give up. The only thing that kept him going was right in front of him. It was much more complicated than he let off to himself.

Loneliness was familiar to him, always lurking around him. With his father long gone from the Earth and his mother elsewhere, it was only himself. Of course, he had acquaintances, but there was no one truly close to him, not in the sense of intimacy by any means. He was strained, working himself to the bone, of course he turned to heroin. It was the only thing to make him feel warmth. After all, the murmurs in his ear were all too loud. Constantly he wondered if he was going insane, or if it was truly real. The creature was a black mass that wrapped itself around the young man without a care.

Depression was more than a cloud; it was a storm that was never relenting. He hated that life had become so muddied, but he felt he had no choice in his life, that all meaning was lost. Tobias was drowning in pain, but how much was self-inflicted, and how much was from external sources? It was never simple. Living life was such a chore, but he made it out of bed every day. Something had to give. Time seemed to freeze whenever he was sitting on that rundown couch with the brown flowers fading into an unrecognizable blur. Things should have been different, but they weren’t. Whether or not this was how it was supposed to be, Tobias didn’t care for it at all. He wanted a different life, but what was done was done.

It was the same as every day and every night that he sat there, wondering, curious of the what ifs and whys. Things could have been different, things could have been saved, or so he thought. But doing this over and over was becoming exhausting. Onyx stands of locks fell before his face, all before his hand went up and pushed his bangs from his face. Honey hazel eyes were covered by drooped lids, lashes dark as the night shading his vision. Maybe it was the drug already in his system. One more hit and that would be all it would take. Tobias leaned forward, but hesitated. Maybe this wasn’t the answer… Just maybe there was something else.

When did everything go wrong? He could barely remember. It wasn’t the typical family issues where his mother and father didn’t love him. No, it was something much more than that. He barely knew how to comprehend why it leeched to him, but it was there now. The darkness wrapped around him, squeezing him just like a boa constrictor would its prey. Sometimes he wondered if he was sick in the head if what he saw was truly real. It had to be. It clung to him, and most never even knew. No… Murmur wasn’t a disease. He was a parasite.

His first memories were of the plague of inky darkness that wrapped its claws affectionately around his shoulders, whispered sweet nothings in his ears, and tried to convince that he was the only one who could truly see who Tobias was, and the only one who could love him. Tobias questioned the truth of Murmur, much of the evidence pointed to the latter. Was the creature even capable of love? Tobias couldn’t tell what the truth was any longer. For so long Murmur had spoke in his ear, and yet no one else ever saw the darkness around Tobias. Truth be told, he was sure he was slowly declining into madness.

It was difficult to tell what was really happening most of the time in his life. Tobias lived modestly. He lived in his cheap studio apartment, worked as a waiter, and attended college for mortuary science. On the outside he was alternative, usually dressing darker, piercings covered his face, and most were intimidated by him. If only they knew him, and truly saw who he was. He had a kind heart, one filled with love and empathy. While he wasn’t perfect, he did try to be as gentle and kind to anyone in his life, and anyone he just met. Strangers were still people in his eyes, and he treated them with respect. It wasn’t always easy considering his anxiety, but he still tried.

“Nothing you do will get rid of me.” It hissed vehemently as its form shape-shifted and twisted its shadowy form. “You can try, but I will always be here.”

Murmur didn’t care if it bothered Tobias, he didn’t care if he was disturbing the young nineteen-year-old. No, none of that mattered. It was kinship that kept them close. They were tethered together, fate let it be that way. Whatever Murmur was, he was there to stay, and there was no foreseeable future for Tobias without him. Without him, it would be surreal, awkward, and lonely. It would be like missing a limb, and nothing would be able to replace Murmur. They were symbiotic. Coexisting with one another, but never being able to live apart. Tobias dreamed of life without another voice haunting him, without the beast lurking and attaching himself to his physical form. But the idea was so strange and abstract.

Living in misery was the way it was now, but he didn’t seem to know any other route. Maybe something would happen, maybe one day things would change, but this wasn’t the day by any means. A long-exasperated sigh was released as he sat there, hunched over, debating on what he wanted to do. Work was over, he was simply sitting there now with nothing to do. Idly he awaited what he wanted to do, if he wanted to go further into his trip, or if he would rather do something else. Slithering about, Murmur wrapped his tendrils of limbs around Tobias, resting upon his back.

“Tobiassss.” It daunted him, as if Tobias was a prisoner in a cage, and the keys to his freedom were just out of reach. “Don’t be so sour and down. Let’s have some funnnn.”

What was fun according to this demon? Tobias didn’t want to recall the times from his past, what Murmur had done for so-called ‘fun’. It was never fun with him. It was always a living hell.

“What on earth would you even want to do, Murmur?” Listlessly did he ever speak, never having the true enthusiasm Murmur would have preferred.

A grunt and growl arose from the creature. His claws buried into the flesh of Tobias’ shoulders, but he didn’t flinch. It didn’t hurt anymore. Tobias’ skin was laced with the scars from the horrendous nails of this evil parasite. Tobias just wanted peace, but Murmur didn’t care for such things. No, he was a creature of chaos, one that would never care about anyone or anything. Purely, he was evil, or so believed by Tobias. Maybe he was the worst parts of Tobias personified into this monster. Maybe not.

Tobias stopped trying to figure it out over the years. A lot of his curiosity of why Murmur was stuck to him had been long abandoned when there was no answer in sight. Another glance was given to the table, but this time a decision was made. He couldn’t go on another binge. Tonight was different. Maybe a night in without the drugs would be the best way to handle everything. After all, he didn’t need to be high to be alright. At least that is what he had to remind himself over and over.

If anyone ever knew what he did, they would assume he was a junkie. They wouldn’t recognize him for the honors he achieved in high school, or the grades he received in his college courses, nor would they realize he worked in an upscale restaurant where only the best of the best went to in New York. He cleaned up well and he hid the dirty parts of his life from any prying eyes. He was used to being the odd man out, yet he knew how to adjust to survive with others.

“You know that you could be doing more, Tobiasss, something… meaningful. But instead you stay inside…” He snarled his words, ready to break free from his host. Yet, he couldn’t.

Tobias rolled his eyes as he dragged his feet from the living room to his bedroom. It was the same routine as always. Come home from work, get high, and then strip down and dress into his sweats and t-shirt for the night. His company was that of only Murmur, but that was alright by him for the time being.

With a huff, he glanced over his shoulder, coming face to face with Murmur. “You know, you are like a monkey on my back, quite literally. Don’t you think you could back off?” languidly he slipped into his comforting clothing, feeling better being out of his slacks and button-down long sleeve. “All you want to do is get into trouble, and I am not about that. We have been through this a thousand times, Murmur.”

That answer didn’t suffice though. It never did. Murmur would nag and complain, but Tobias had his wits about him. He wouldn’t just act irrational due to a gloomy darkness that spoke to him consistently. Once more he trudged back to the living room, plopping down in his usual spot. His fingers languidly played with the remote beside him for only a moment before he turned on the television. Per usual it was on the horror movie streaming he enjoyed thoroughly. His eyes were staring at the movie, but his mind was elsewhere.

Finally, the drug had set in fully, the warm hug of a false comfort had wrapped around him. It was only temporary. Tobias craved to feel the warmth he used to feel, one much like whenever his mother would hug him tightly and ask about his day at school, or the embrace of his father who would give him back piggyback rides. Nostalgia was bittersweet, bringing Tobias back to a time of somewhat normalcy, but he knew it would never exist again.

Those days were long gone. With Harper and Harold long gone, Tobias was left with no living relative. His friends had all moved on after high school and keeping in touch was almost impossible. Tobias usually dug his nose into his studies instead, taking focus off what he didn’t have. ‘Look to the future.’ It was what he always told himself. If he could manage that, then maybe there would be something waiting for him.

Tobias had always wondered if he would find his missing piece, but he wasn’t much into dating. Not after the last time. That was too complicated. Plus, if he had a family, what would Murmur do? He already knew what that creature could do. Havok and chaos was all that followed Murmur, and in turn it followed Tobias. For years he isolated, fearing what would come if he lost control over Murmur once more. It would not be the last time it happened.

Living life was already difficult, but having Murmur constantly straining him, clinging to his back made it even worse. Puberty had been rough like it would be for everyone, but his choices were altered and hindered constantly. It was around the time he first started taking prescription pills. From prescription pills turned into cocaine, cocaine turned into heroin. It was a cycle, and he was stuck.

Maybe one day he wouldn’t be there, maybe one day he would be free. It was all he wished for. Sometimes he considered seeking help. Maybe this was a mental disorder and Murmur wasn’t even real. But the stigma of having a disorder made Tobias’ chest tighten at the thought. He wanted nothing more than to be normal, but that was a long shot at this point. He knew of the disorders his mother and father suffered from. Harper was heavily depressed, but she always had a smile on her face, one Tobias would never forget. His father was always so imaginative and free, so alive, yet he had schizophrenia that eventually led Harold to his death. Tobias wanted to believe he was free of those mental cages, those thoughts and intrusions he feared. But what if?

“You’re doing it again, Tobias… Thinking too hard about things that don’t matter.” Mocking, condescending. What was new from Murmur? Tobias rolled his eyes once more at Murmur, knowing that he wouldn’t be able to win any verbal fight with the creature. “Shut up, Murmur.” He wanted some quiet, but between the screams on the television and Murmur making his noises of complaints, Tobias knew there was no such thing as solace.

The past was in the past, but Tobias struggled with what previously happened. It was why he ended up in the apartment he was in. His eyes trialed from the move to the peeling wallpaper that had probably been there since the 60s and long needed replaced. Tobias wondered if it was vibrant at one point, full of color and life. Just like he had once been.

Murmur sulked for a while, all before he placed more weight upon Tobias’ neck. “I am tired of being in here day and night. We need to have fun. Go to a club, see the nightlife.” He was set in his goal, but Tobias was already too far gone in his exhaustion and drugs to go anywhere. Murmur knew this as well, but he didn’t have a single care. “You’re boring.”

Tobias glanced over his shoulder once more all before looking away. He leaned over to grab his bag sitting at the edge of the couch. Inside it contained his studies, and he knew that he would need to read and catch up eventually. While he held his bag, his mind wandered once more, all before he placed the bag down once more. There was no point to focus on anything right now. All Tobias wanted to do was sleep.

His lids drooped once more, his focus in and out. Murmur huffed and puffed, snarled and growled, but it didn’t make a difference. They were stuck together in this strange universe, one where they could not live without the other. While Murmur was angry, he was attached emotionally to his little plaything. It wasn’t that he hated Tobias, he hated being stuck and stagnant. He hated Tobias being stuck and stagnant. He knew they could do great things together, Tobias was just too frightened.

Murmur knew they were meant for something more than the same old routine day in and day out. At some point, things would have to change, they just would. Murmur slithered from Tobias’ back, just to remain on the back of the couch, hovering over him, watching over him. As his other half began to doze, he knew that there would be a shift for them.

Tobias would transform, and things would take flight. Murmur just had to push a little more.

“Sleep well, Tobias…. Things will be changing. I am sure of it.”