Subconscious Dreams

“This is your 44th attempt at dream suicide, aren’t you tired?”

I can never understand why my handler asks me these types of questions. I’ve made up my mind.

Sitting up, I face her somewhat worried face.

“I’m fine, it’s for a good cause.”

“I understand….are you going under again or are you going to rest?”

“It’s rest either way, I’m going under.”

“…. Understood, subject Matthew, you’re logged for attempt 45.”

I lay my head back on the soft snow-white bed. I put all the wires back on my body and close my eyes ready for the next dream.

….

….

I open my eyes and what greets me is the blinding sun. Checking my surrounding I realize that I’m on the edge of a skyscraper among many others. The city far below glows golden from the sun's rays. The wind blows past my head threatening to break my fragile balance.

“How boring, I’ve jumped off this same building at least a dozen times. Clearly I can’t die from this, why does my mind keep bringing me back here.”

Regardless, I turn my back to the edge, arm outstretched, and let the wind guide me off into the plunge. Time seems to stop as I rush toward the pavement. Despite doing it so much, I can never get used to this sense of peace when falling.

Still, something always felt off in the back of my head when I did so. Maybe I should stop doing this, the conflicting feeling always ruins my mood.

Maybe I can fly to the nearest meat grinder and try that agai-

In the corner of my eye, I see something in my reflection and immediately stop falling.

“What the….”

I float toward the glass of the skyscraper, but I see nothing. I run my hand along my reflection’s face and wonder out loud.

“That wasn’t my face….”

I’ve been lucid dreaming for years, but I’ve never seen….whatever that was. But, It looked oddly familiar with it’s somewhat feminine figure….

“Shake it off, I have a goal to complete. Nothing else matters.”

I fly off through the dusk-colored city looking for something to kill myself with.

“…. Were these buildings always made of glass?”

Ignoring this weight I feel in the pit of my stomach, I find a gun shop and go inside.

“It’s awfully empty this place, not even a ring at the door.”

I pick up a shotgun and put it in my mouth. Here goes nothing.

BANG

….

As expected, the scenery immediately shifts to me doing something else. This time the shotgun turns into a sucker in my mouth. I take it out of my mouth and look at my new surroundings which seem to be more lively.

I’m sitting outside a café and while people hurry down the street to unknown destinations, I hang my head and sigh.

“What am I doing….what if I really die from this? It’s nice to lucid dream while doing something meaningful but….”

I’m getting out of here, maybe I need a break from this fake world. I get up and think of another way to kill myself, something more brutal to wake me up.

“!!!”

Suddenly, I feel something sharp in my chest. I look down to see red spreading on my white shirt. I’ve been….

I slowly force my head to back to see who did this and after what seems like hours I see….

I wake up on the snow-white bed in a cold sweat, Heather is looking at me worryingly.

“What happened?”

“I was… stabbed….by someone in the dream.”

“Really, that’s different. From my readings, your heart rate did spike near the end. We’re getting closer to discovering what happens when you die in a dream, how the subconscious will react.”

“I think I’m done for today.”

“Oh, thank God, I worried that I would have to stay the night again.”

“I’m sorry I prevented you from going home before.”

“Oh it’s alright, I expected it to happen at least once. What’s up, it’s rare for you to speak more than one sentence?”

Heather gathers her supplies while I’m still stuck on the question. Why am I socializing more? I mean she is beautiful with her chestnut hair and thin yet great body. I would love to just throw her off a building.

“Matthew?”

“Oh, I just feel like socializing today.”

“Alright, I’m actually going to get some lunch, want to come?”

“Sure, I don’t think I’ve eaten anything today.”

“Oh, we better hurry then.”

Heather opens the door of the lab and waits for me. What a sec….what was I thinking before….

“Hurry slow poke, it’s getting late.”

“Right, sorry.”

I quickly put on my white shirt out of the lab and then out of the building into the dusk-tinted city. Once we got outside Heather suggested we go to a café downtown. She got us a table, and I paid the price.

“I’m actually glad you choose to come along, ever since the first day I’ve been curious about you.”

“Really, and why is that?”

“Well, you’ve always been distant to everyone, not just me. Also, I wondered why anyone would even volunteer for this type of job. It can’t be the pay that’s for sure.”

“Well, this job is uniquely suited for me.”

“Really, how so?”

“I guess I feel like I have a purpose here, especially since Lucid dreaming comes easy to me.”

“So you didn’t have a purpose before?”

“…. I can’t remember much before coming here. I just drifted through life.”

“I see….”

I hope I didn’t creep her out. I knew I shouldn’t have talked to her, reality is not a dream where I can be happy. Our food was soon delivered, and we proceeded to eat without saying much else.

As I was eating I noticed something in the corner of my eye.

“This place awfully looks familiar, have we been here?”

“Have we eaten on the rooftop before?”

“The what?”

I look around and sure enough, we’re on the roof of the building. What the hell is happening?

“Heather, why are we on the rooftop?”

“What do you mean, we went to get lunch and choose to eat here instead of the café.”

“No No No, that’s not what happen, was it?”

It’s not only that but this rooftop also seems familiar. Heather stares at me with what seems like worry, but I don’t think it is.

“Hey, are you alright? We can call it a day and just go our separate ways.”

“You know, maybe you’re right. I’ve been feeling off lately.”

Heather nods, and we begin to gather our half-eaten food. I go to the door, but I turn back to see Heather, but she’s walking towards the edge!

“What the hell are you doing, stop!”

“Huh, isn’t this the right way?”

I internally scream no as I drop everything and run to stop her. My legs feel like jelly and the world begins to distort, I won’t make it.

“Why are you freaking out, this is the right way? Right?”

Just like that, Heather falls off the roof before I could catch her hand. Soon I’ll hear her hit the ground, and I’ll have to witness her lose her life again.

Wait, again? What am I-

I wake on the same snow white bed as the many times before.

“This is your 44th attempt at dream suicide, aren’t you tired?”

Yeah, I’m tired of doing this all the time. This is not the purpose I had in mind.

“No, I’m fine. Hey Heather, is this what you want to do with your life?”

“No, but I didn’t really have a choice.”

“What, parents forced you?”

“More like Ex-friend, what about you?”

“Oh, I wanted to kill myself.”

“That’s great, I hope you do that. Want to go under one more time?”

“Of course honey.”

“Subject Matthew, you're logged in for attempt XX.”

My mind spins into a kaleidoscope of scattered images and a cacophony of sounds. Where am I?

“I’m on the rooftop.”

How boring, I have pushed myself off of here XXXX of times. Clearly, I can’t die from this.

“Who says you died?”

Y o u ’ r e r i g h t, Y o u n e v e r k n o w r i g h t

I push myself off that same roof and I see it again as I plummet to my righteous death.

I see hollowed eyes oozing oil, snake-like hair, and the unholy stench that covers my body in the swamp of decay.

At last, I hit the ground too. I feel every moment of it, my skull cracks open spilling out its rancid contents. My body shatters on impact and my organs burst open from the trauma.

I deserve this.

….

….

“Hello, is anyone there?!”

I’ve awoken in a void of light and life. What happened, the last thing I remember is….who am I again?

“So you’ve made it again?”

A girl with long chestnut hair and a beautiful body appears from the darkness, but something is wrong. Her eyes, black and hallow filled with contempt for the sinful.

“What the hell are you, where am I?”

“Where do you think?”

“I didn’t think hell existed.”

“Hell does exist, it’s within us all. You’ve done it, this is what happens when you die in a dream, happy yet?”

“I don’t-”

“Of course not, but you will.”

The girl glides closer, I want to run away but….I don’t think I have a body to run away with. She caresses her oily hand across where my face should be.

“I know you better than you know yourself. You’ll stop when we’re satisfied.”

I suddenly feel sleepy and my sight of her begins to fade away. I felt the urge to say sorry, but the words get stuck in my throat.

….

….

“This is your 44th attempt at dream suicide, aren’t you tired?”

“No, I can do this forever. It’s the least I can do, it’s for a good cause.”