Stop Crunching Ice

“What are you doing today?”

“I’ll probably do some weeding in the garden. Maybe I’ll go for a run later. It’s such a beautiful day, and you know me – I like to stay in shape. I assume you are going golfing.”

“Well, it is Saturday. The guys are expecting me. Hey, this iced coffee is better than I thought it would be.”

“Will you stop that?”

“Stop what?”

“Stop crunching the ice.”

“What do you care?”

“You are annoying me. I can’t stand the sound. Just stop.”

“I’ll stop when my ice is gone.”

“I’m telling you to knock it off.”

“Or what? Are you going to hurt me? You’re my wife. You’re supposed to love, honor, and respect me, no matter what.”

“That, my husband, is a two-way street. You should love, honor, and respect me as well, so I’m asking you again; please, stop crunching your ice.”

“Ooo, hear that? That was a good, loud crunch. I’m having such fun that I may add more ice when I’m done with this cupful.”

“You know you are being an asshole right now, don’t you? Why do you insist on goading me? One of these days, I may just snap.”

“Ooo, there’s another good crunch.”

“Stop!”

“No... Double crunch! I’m on a roll now.”

“Stop, or else.”

“Else what? I’m so terrified. What are you going to do, hit me with a wooden spoon?”

“No, I was thinking of something more like this...”

“Hey, you stabbed me! You’re going to get it now. I’m going to kick your butt.”

“I don’t think so. I have lots of kitchen knives. They’re very sharp, and I can defend myself. Like this…and this…”

“Ouch! Hey, stop!”

“No... Double stab! I’m on a roll now. Why do you think I stay in shape, unlike you? I’ve got you pinned to the chair, so go ahead and struggle all you want. Have you ever heard of death by a thousand cuts?”

“You wouldn’t... Come on, my love, we’ve weathered storms before. This is nothing but another tremendous trifle.”

“Tremendous trifle? Like your gambling debt the first time around? Like your infidelity the second time around? Three strikes, ‘my love,’ and like a first base umpire, I’m calling you out.”

“Come on, I’m hurting here. What are you even talking about? I haven’t been gambling. I haven’t been unfaithful.”

“Maybe not, but I found your phony books. You’ve been scamming your business partner for years. It’s just a matter of time before he discovers your fraud and reports you to the authorities. As usual, you will do nothing but cause me financial ruin and extreme embarrassment. If I’m going to move because of you, at least I’d like to get your life insurance and retire to some warm island. Why do you think I insisted on getting you the maximum policy?”

“You won’t get away with it. They’ll know you murdered me.”

“I haven’t murdered you, yet. But I have it all figured out. After I finish you off, I’ll make sure it looks like a crime of passion turned robbery. I’ll text your lover from your phone so that she’s the one to find your body. She may touch enough of the knives to get framed. I’ll even take some of your junk to a pawn shop on the other side of town, wearing a wig to look like her. She may get arrested and get off on a technicality, but it will take the suspicion off me. I’m going to Casey’s Gym to do my workout for an alibi. I watch enough CSI to know how to manage this.”

“Come on. I promise I won’t goad you anymore.”

“I know you won’t, because you won’t be alive to goad me anymore. You want to hear a crunch? This strong knife I got from my grandmother is really good with thick bones.”

“Ahh! Stop, please.”

“I’ll stop when I’m done. You really should have had more respect for me. Goodbye ‘my love.’”