Six feet under

“I’d love to take you out sometime. Said the dark haired boy

“I have a boyfriend.” I told him, like I did everyone. It was twenty six flights up to my room again. And another twenty six minutes spent sobbing on my bed. When I had finally composed myself to come look in the mirror. Oh. My makeup was running in streaks down my face, and even my contacts had popped out from all the tears. The absence of makeup and contacts left this face in the mirror. The dead eyes, milky blue and cracked. The skin, the complexion of a corpse, which was fitting. And the forever pictured wound that had been frozen in time on her forehead. It didn’t hurt anymore. It had only hurt the first time. When that man had bludgeoned me to death in that alley way, looking for money that I didn’t have. To be honest, I hadn’t particularly minded. After my Alex had drowned in the lake the previous week, I hadn’t eaten anything. As I died, I remember feeling almost glad. I’d be able to see Alex again. But it was not to be. Fate laughed at us. Here I was, in the world of the living, forced to paint my face and act like I was still alive. And Alex was somewhere else entirely, and the closest I could get to him was that grave. So I left my makeup compacts open on the table and left. It was a short walk to his graveyard. I had made sure of that. I brought roses. I knew they would wilt and die, but his grave was too dry to grow anything. It never rained here.

“Help, I lost myself again.” I told him as a knelt near the stone. “But I remember you.”

I reached out and touched it. Icy cold and stone. Why had I expected something different. “Don’t come back.” I said. “It won’t end well. But I wish you tell me to come get you.”

I didn’t care as the tears washed away what little makeup I had been left wearing. I fell to my side on the cold dirt, wondering if I could just lie here forever and sink into the earth and find him. Then the strained inklings of music trickled through the doors of the restaurant across the street.

“They’re playing our song.” I said, my voice cracking. If the rain didn’t water our grave, my tears would.

I dragged my feet home. I didn’t feel the icy wind and rough gravel under my bare feet. I didn’t feel anything anymore. I hadn’t felt anything for seven years.

Erase his touch, I told myself. It’s all too much for me.

How could have he died so carelessly?

We could have been happy together. We could have been alive. And now I couldn’t join him. It wasn’t his fault. It wasn’t his fault. It was mine. I could have saved him that night. I thought he could swim.

I headed back to my apartment, and saw the dark haired boy sitting on the steps with his head on his knees.

“Hello.” I said quietly. I wasn’t sure why. I knew my makeup had come off, and I knew I looked like a monster. But I was distracted. Why had I been chosen and not Alex?

The boy raised his head and something suddenly coursed through me. Feelings. Emotions! I could feel again. How? The boy in front of me… he was Alex. Tears had ran streaks in the makeup- the same makeup I wore on my face. He looked like me: milky blue cracked eyes, pale skin. But his face was tinted blue.

“Amara?!”ex?” I asked, my voice cracking.

“How?” I choked.

“I’ve been looking for you forever! I’m so glad I found you!”

I couldn’t move. I couldn’t believe it.

“Alex? I don’t understand.”

“Amara.” He said. “I love you.”

The icy rain woke me. I was still lying on Alex’s grave. A dream. It had been a dream. But something was wrong. It was raining. It was raining? It never rained. It never rained on Alex’s grave. But there it was, raining, and in between my fingers sprouted roses.

I sat back on my knees and watched them grow.

“Our love is six feet under.” I said, touching the stone again. I ran my fingers along the words engraved into the headstone.

Amara, I love you.

“Help,” I choked. “I lost myself again.”

The tears could come. The rain and the tears would wash away the human facade I’d been hiding under. And I knew he would come.

Amara, I love you.

“But I…” Amara, I love you. “Remember…” Amara, I love you. “You.”