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Reconciliation

A Reckoning

By Cassidy BarkerPublished 2 years ago Updated 2 years ago 3 min read
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Photo by Hayden Cown

“Are you a good person?” The child’s voice is small but curious. Up until a few seconds before I was hugging my knees on this rocky beach, listening to the waves, alone in the dark but also relishing in the kind of loneliness that exists when you think everyone else is asleep. It’s easy to believe you are the only person awake at this moment in the entire universe.

Now I’ve jumped to my feet, my chest pounds, and the constant dull anxiety ache sharpens with adrenaline. It takes a second to find my voice. “What?” It comes out as a croaky whisper.

“Are you a good person?” She repeats and steps closer. The moonlight reflects off her white dress and shiny white shoes. It reminds me of the communion dress my parents stuck me in when I was in the second grade. She might be around that age.

She smiles at me while she waits for my response.

“I don’t know. Do you mean am I safe? Are you in danger? I can help you, sure. Where are your parents?”

She looks at the water, something so blue and open in the day but so dark and menacing at night. “I feel safe. Do you?”

Frigid water rolls over my feet, engulfing them then rushing into the tops of my boots and filling them. I was well away from the shore when I finally sat down. I feel ready to run again, but these boots aren’t built for it. I look at the water and it has already retreated, taunting me from a distance. My feet are cold and damp. I look over at the girl and she’s still smiling.

“Why are you here?” She asks.

I can’t answer that. I don’t have any answers.

“Do you feel safe?”

Her face is pale behind whipping white-blond hair. The wind whistles through my ears, so deep within them that I feel myself losing balance.

I fall but icy water catches me and now I’m waist deep in its darkness. I feel the shock when I try to take a breath. The waves are rising and breaking all around me but not over me. As each one rolls and crashes toward the shore, I can see the little girl still standing there on the slick rocks, unbothered by the wind.

“Wha-?” I gasp and try to speak. I pull my arm through the thick water and find my footing. I take one heavy step, another, and they become easier as I climb up the shore. I drop to my knees and crawl a safe distance before surrendering to my body’s exhaustion and collapsing into tired tears. I can feel the little girl watching me.

“What’s wrong?” she asks, but her voice is void of sympathy. I peer up at her through my dirty-blonde hair that’s been dyed nearly black with water. She is looking down on me and clutching emerald rosary beads. I feel the pity exuding from this child.

She squats down and examines me like I’m a bug, a half-squashed bug still thinking it has a chance. “Get the hell away from me,” I whisper, squeezing my eyes shut. I hear her shoes clicking in retreat on the rocks. I lift my head and see a wave, as viscous and opaque as swamp water, standing over me but not falling. It’s waiting.

She’s on the hill and beach grass dances around her. The pure white dress is rippling in the ever-strengthening wind. She’s still looking down on me.

“Please, help me.” I cry, willing my body to move out from under this heavy shadow in the night but unable.

She says, “You let me down first.” And the wave falls.

psychological
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About the Creator

Cassidy Barker

Just here to tell stories.

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