Pulsing In Exodus

The city would die—the flesh charred from the bones, leaving the empire nominally alive. This was the nightmare-scape I lived through. I witnessed the death of that emaciated carcass and fled from the collapse of this giant’s frame. We fled on the great artery with the stubborn ghost hanging over our heads. We fled with our lives in our arms, leaving everything else behind to moulder in the maggoty ashes.

If I had been deluded still about the fate of the immortal empire, then I could no longer remain so. Only an obliterated spectre remained, shot to the ends of the world. We were some of the infinitesimal fragments propelled by the explosive death throes of Rome.

My name no longer had any meaning. In better times it would have meant preferment, power, and prosperity. Now it means nothing or less. A name on a tomb blasted to rubble. I was a man of repute, letters, and influence. That means nothing now.

I found only an animal drive to move. My spirit was crushed, mingled with the rubble that would sometime house it. Wife, child, servants, and house all killed, pillaged, and burned. Only my low cowardice left my life unscathed.

The via our caravan traveled went on forever, pulsing from the dying heart out into the thirsty frontiers at the world’s ends. Variously laden, we felt the cold burn of a sun ashamed to show its face. It didn’t want to see this world any more than we did. The bright armor of the few soldiers we had simmered—now a painful white, then a dirty glow, then painful white again. The sounds of their mail chinking softly—it wormed its way into my mind, filling my skull with a foreign pressure. That was my first brush with madness.

The sun finally lost its nerve and retreated. Our guide that night was the light of some scanty torches and the wan light of the sallow moon. We decided to bivouac on a relatively sheltered copse, not in view of the still-burning Rome; though we could still see the hostile glow from behind a rise. To me, it seemed as if we hid from an angry corpse that dogged our steps.

My hunger presented itself with a sullen rumble. My flight left no time for food. Such excuses did nothing to impress my stomach. Just days before, it was content to bursting from sumptuous feasts. Times were better, and I lived well. None of that matters now.

The small fire we made returned my sullen gaze playfully. It taunted me. Sitting there, consuming what gave it birth. The wind took up the fire’s gamboling and shrieked in my ears, stirring it into a feverish dance. It was a persistent squall. When I finally forced myself into recumbency it was still bawling.

⧫⧫⧫

I awoke to the wind screaming urgently in my ears. No, the wind was the same as it was before. Something else had woken me. I began to rouse myself, as the rest of my company was doing. Lucius the soldier was up first. He scanned the area. When he looked my way an arrow violently sprouted from his forehead and din consumed the night. I can’t rightly say what I did, or who survived. All I know is that the arrow’s sower was on horseback— I was shoved bodily aside by the beast— and scrambled my way from the scene in animal terror. Later I would realize that Lucius probably died because he was a threat to the invader. The others might have survived to become slaves. For me, all was darkness. All was flight. The heart in my chest beat me forward ever faster.

Finally, I stopped. A cave’s mouth encircled me. I heard the wind still howling out its rowdy chorus, though I noticed the soft dawn-light that appears between absolute night and the dawn. I did not want to re-enter that world that I had come to recognize as alien to me. The cave was inviting and quiet. The walls were covered with a layer of moisture that fed into a soft bed of mossy vegetation. I wanted to lie down and become a sleeper. My head had almost hit the ground when something caught my attention— it was a noise, a sort of whispering. It might be running water I said to myself. My nocturnal flight had taxed my body, and now it demanded attention. Yes.. water first, then I could sleep.

I followed the sound deeper into the cave and left the softly deceitful light behind. After an indistinguishable amount of time, the cave came to an abrupt narrowing. There was just enough space for me to squeeze myself through to the other side. The noise now was thundering in my mind. I paused to recover my breath, as I noticed I was short of it. The walls here were bare from what I could feel, and the ground harbored no more vegetation. This I could only guess through touch, as no light could reach me. No, there was some light. It was coming through the hole. I knew then that I had only been pretending to debate my course. I pushed myself through the small window in the bowels of that cave.

On the other side, the cave widened violently and soared upwards. I saw that the light was coming from above. There was perhaps a hole in the ceiling of the cavern, letting light invade from the surface. On one side I saw the water that had called me there cutting across the floor of the cavern in the form of an underground river. The water was cold, clear and strong. I gorged myself as I never had on water. My head was cleared and my heart slowed itself. I had not realized how fast it was beating or how foggy my thoughts had become. Newly aware, I looked around.

I noticed the small mounds scattered around the spacious cavern. Had I stumbled into some animal’s den? My heart began to beat a warning against my ribs. I moved closer. My feet made a rasping sound that frightened me. I was alone, and that scared me. When I was close enough to see by the dim light I saw that the piles were covered in straw. If only I had some fire to burn away that straw. With nothing else to do, I prodded it. No response. It was at least inert. My heart somewhat assuaged, I knelt down to examine it closer. Under the straw was something gleaming, white, smooth. Bones.

I didn’t know what I expected, but bones were not the horror that would scare me. Some animal had dragged something down here as animals do. I stood up and aimed a kick at the pile. Under the straw, my foot made contact with something solid and it shot out the other side, trailing straw like a poor man’s comet. I laughed. Nothing to be afraid of.

“Nothing to be afraid of”

I screamed in surprise and slipped on the straw. My heart now made siege in my chest, not to gain entrance, but to escape. I reasoned calmly, it was just an echo. But I hadn’t spoken yet.

“You still haven’t spoken”

My chest became as stone, imprisoning breath and sound. My heart played the traitor and beat in revolt, rushing blood to my ears. I was going insane, that’s all. Now shaking, I stood up. I had to know. The cowardice in me was slave to my need to know.

I made my shakey way towards the missile I had sent to the other end of the cavern. The light was interrupted by a rocky outcropping on that end, so my objective was half-shadowed. I probed with my foot, searching. A small noise told me I had found it. Whatever it was must have been fairly small. Heart still traitorously loud, I stooped to pick up the object. It was smooth in my hands but strangely shaped—with odd holes and weird curves. I brought it out to the light and dropped it in horror. It was a human skull.

I hurled the thing away from me with all the force in me. In that moment my hands felt soiled, unholy, and I wished to be rid of them, if only there were a knife! This thought was dashed from my brain as I remembered the other mounds.

“Why would you drop me? We are friends here are we not?” said the voice again.

I began to panic. “Who’s there!?” I demanded. Oh, gods. I knew the voice must belong to whoever, or whatever made these piles.

“It’s just us here,” it said.

I stilled myself enough to think. If I was going to die then, I’d like to see why. I made my way towards the spot the voice came from.

“That’s right. Come, speak with me” it said.

“I’m not afraid of you” I whispered. The skull I had thrown was near the spot where I thought the voice came from. I glanced down, wondering if perhaps it was speaking to me. To comfort myself, I picked it up. Staring into its empty sockets and dead grin, I chuckled to myself. Nothing.

“Why are you laughing?—HEY!” it said. I had dropped it again. “I just want to talk. I’m trying to help you, really”.

I was going insane... I wouldn’t let it happen. I stumbled towards the river to subdue myself in its current.

“What are you doing?” it yelled at me.

Crack! The cold like a whip. My lungs deflated, my heart cried out against me, and my mind broke apart.

⧫⧫⧫

“You tried the easy way out. There’s no real escape from this place” the same voice says.

It’s different now. It echoes around me. I have gone blind, and I feel the hard ground pressing against my face. Something prickly had embedded itself in my face. Stubble. I had been clean shaven when I fled. My wife liked my face smooth.

“You brought him down. You shouldn’t have done that” the voice says.

Something grasps me from all around. It is hands. Many hands. They feel too thin. Gooseflesh runs up my body where they touch. The hands bring me to my feet. If only I could see them. I’m standing now and the hands release me. I ask the voice what it wants with me.

“Oh, I don’t want anything. He does,” it replies.

He? I think to myself. Or maybe I say it out loud. A light erupts. I’m not blind after all. I can’t see anything in the glare. No. There is something. A shape. There are more shapes next to it, dark, and weirdly shadowed. They surround me.

“Do you see him now?” the voices say.

“Him?” I ask.

Now I was sure there was more than one speaker in the voice. I turned around, looking intently at the shapes. They must be speaking at the same time. Past one of the shapes I could see that the mounds had gone. I focused on one of them.

“Look at him” the voice commands.

It’s the skull from earlier. It has its whole body now, and there are several more just like it. I’m surrounded by skeletons, and they all speak in the same voice.

“Look!” they shout at me. Their humorless grins split and clatter at me.

I turn towards the light. I see that it is the same light I had mistaken for sunlight. The hole where it should be is black. The shape is glowing. It is a man’s shape. A woman’s? No, a man’s.

Kneel

I feel the word reverberate in my skull, and I obey without thought. The glowing figure reaches out to me. As soon as it touches my forehead my mind fragments again.

I see myself through many eyes. I am on fire now. My face is retreating from the flame. I see his face for the first time. It is terrible. There is no mouth, but it wants to consume me. There are no eyes, but it sees me. It burns with a cold heat, like the sun I had fled from. My flesh has almost entirely been flashed from my bones. Now my organs catch fire through my ribcage. The flames travel down my spinal cord like a fuse. I am nothing but bones. He removes his hand and my sight flies to my head; I see him through my own sockets.

“Why has this happened to me?” The voice says in concert. I am frightened into silence.

I have given you a home

I look around at my fellows. They grin back at me.

“Welcome home,” we say.