Priest Reese: Vampire Hunter

We drove up the snowy, winding road towards the cozy A-frame cabin. My German Shepherd Helsing was absently gnawing on something in the passenger seat but I was too busy keeping the truck from sliding off the road to give it much attention. We went left at the fork in the road knowing full well that the cabin was to the right and drove a little ways down so we'd be out of sight. It wasn't until I had stopped at a pass overlooking the cabin that I noticed what Helsing had between his teeth and paws. It was one of my wooden stakes which he loved to whittle down to a nub. He let a low, whimpering growl as I took it away from him.

"Give me that. I may have to use this later."

I fed him a treat and he turned his attention to the outer dark of the woods. There was no wind on the air and no movement among the trees, only soft tufts of snow falling like ashes to the ground. Everything seemed ready to crack under the pressure of the cold. About half a mile away down a slope on the mountain shone the outline of a cabin in the stark moonlight.

"We're early yet," I said as I pulled a growler of beer from under the seat and went about my routine of drinking and reading a book. There was time still. I knew we would get here before him.

I'm a priest by calling and a vampire hunter by profession. You'd be amazed at how many things the Catholic church keep tabs on that are considered made up. Why do you think there are so many popular movies about vampires, werewolves and the like? Because if people knew the reality of them they'd never fall asleep. Entertainment has a way of taking away their power. Still, they're out there. And I'm just one of the agents tasked with keeping them in check.

I had been getting a lot of information about disappearances in this little mountain town. Seemed a perfect place for a vampire to set up shop. Worst case scenario, you pick off some drifters and after a while just move on. Best case scenario, you turn an entire small town. Just sit back and bide your time for the seasonal tourist crowds. Someone important enough to have a direct line to the Vatican had a daughter go missing around here and that's when they decided to get off their ass and send me in. Typical Church, always working in damage control.

Helsing and I had staked out the local bars until we came across someone who didn't set right with us. A tall, skinny piece of Euro-goth trash who went by the name of Edgar. We followed him at a safe distance until we saw him choose his mark. Vampires always give off these signals when they've picked their prey. It's all flaring nostrils and a flash in the eyes. They give you this look like you're the only person in the world to them. It's hilarious how many people fall for that eternal love crap. I pulled up a seat at the bar within earshot of them and ordered a drink. I put a bowl of water on the floor for Helsing and I gave a listen to the garbage this guy was laying down. It was a good spiel and this girl was eating it up with a spoon.

"Just come back to my place. Do as you’re told, give me everything I desire and I will make you one of us. Then you need never worry about your parents or work or school again. I am a member of the inner circle. My lineage goes back nearly 300 years. I have bled kings and queens. Every so often I come across one woman who entices me to grant her this gift. You are such a jewel."

She was fawning hard but I couldn't tell if she believed him or if she was just into the cosplay fantasy. He wrapped his cloak around her and they began to dance this awful, slow dance. I got the bartender's ear and asked if he knew him.

"Yeah man, real douche of a guy. Moved into town a few months ago. Worst thing is, all the girls seem to go for him. None of us can get a date anymore."

"Know where he lives," I asked, sliding a crisp hundred dollar bill towards him.

He palmed it and it disappeared about his person. "Sure, he rented this cabin down the pass."

"Maybe you draw me a map?"

"Maybe you slide me another bill?"

"Maybe I take the one I just gave you away and you do your best cartography on the back of it with a broken hand?"

He considered this for a moment then pulled out a pad and paper. "Sure, man. Whatever it takes to get rid of this guy. I haven't had a date in months."

I finished my drink and Helsing and I took off for the truck with the loving couple still dancing. I knew the girl would be alright for the moment. Vampires like to do their business in private if possible. We studied the map and drove to the middle of nowhere.

I was almost finished with the growler of beer and feeling pretty good when I saw headlights in the distance approaching. I capped what was left of the drink and put my book down and grabbed my bag of equipment.

"Come on, boy. We need to haul ass if we're going to get there in time."

We took off down the mountain side while the lights on the far road turned and stalled. The moron had gotten the car stuck a little ways off which worked out fine for us bcause we were trudging through knee deep snow and not making the kind of time I wanted. Still, I knew the modus operandi of a vampire. He'd take his time whining and dining her before baring his teeth.

Sure enough, they got into the cabin and turned the lights on while Helsing and I were about a hundred yards away. He paused to spy a squirrel but I cautioned him. "You're after bigger prey tonight, boy."

I watched them through a window swaying to some awful 80s music in various stages of undress. When he was down to his boxers I knew I had the element of surprise and kicked the door in. He was surprised for sure and the girl let out a scream and covered herself with a blanket.

"Who the hell are you?" he asked.

"I’m sure there’s a witty entrance remark I could make here but I’ll be honest, I’m just too damn drunk to think of one."

He came at me quickly but I didn't underestimate him. No matter how weak and spindly these guys may appear they're all stronger and faster than you expect. Luckily his face met my hand which happened to be sporting a pair of pure silver knuckles. He went down in a heap with little cross indentions across his face. I moved towards the girl and she screamed again. I lowered to one knee and called Helsing over to comfort her. She thought he was going to eat her face off but instead he just started licking.

"Look sweety, a lot of bad stuff is about to happen to this sack of crap that I really don’t want you seeing. I want you to go to the other room with my dog and stay there until I'm through."

She got up and scooted past me, still terrified. I knew she wouldn't run with all of this snow and being in the middle of nowhere. I also knew Helsing would keep her occupied playing fetch or turning for belly rubs. I had work to do.

Edgar was already staggering to his feet and inspecting his face when I turned around.

"I will bleed you for this," he said, wiping some blood from his mouth as menacingly as he could. I held my hand up to call a brief time out and began running in place and doing push ups. He looked at me like I was crazy. He had obviously never seen my workout routine.

"What are you doing?"

"Just working up a sweat."

He didn't waste anymore time, lunging at me with all of his strength and grabbing me around the neck while I was in the middle of a jumping jack. We fell to the floor and rolled but he came out on top. Like I said, never underestimate them.

"I'm going to skin you to the bone then hang you from chains so you can watch me drink the girl dry before you die."

In any other situation he may have been right but I like to keep an ace up my sleeve. As he squeezed tighter around my neck his hands began to burn. I could smell his skin melting and he began to scream as he let go of me.

"What have you done to me?"

"Holy water."

"You had no holy water."

"I'm a priest, moron. I blessed my beer. Whatever I sweat was bound to be potent."

He recoiled in pain and was still looking at his hands when I gave him a kick to the head that stretched him out on the floor. After all of that, I needed another drink. Good thing I always keep a spare bottle in my bag.

When Edgar woke he found himself tied upside down on the bed, stretched out to all four corners and still sporting those pathetic boxers with the hearts on them. Needless to say, he was in a mood.

"I will bleed you for this!" he screamed.

I was sitting in a chair in the corner reading and in the middle of a really good chapter.

"Two seconds," I said, holding up a finger. I finished and slid my bookmark in. "There, all done."

"I swear I'm going to pop your arteries and drain you."

"You might want to check your teeth. Going to be a bit difficult to do that these days."

He moved his tongue around his teeth and found that one was missing. I opened my hand to show him a long, white fang and laughed. He screamed hysterically until I threw it at his forehead.

"Keep it down. I've got some questions to ask."

"You'll pay for this! I swear! You'll..."

He kept screaming threats and obscenities and I was getting really bored so I walked over to my bag and pulled out a stake and mallet. I made sure he could see me do it and I walked past him and out of sight behind him.

"I've put legends in the ground. You are just weak meat. Do you really think a wooden stake can scare me?"

I held the wooden stake over his backside, ironically right above one of those little hearts on his boxers. He suddenly felt it near his nether regions and tensed up.

"No, I don't suppose a stake through the heart would scare you. But this should have you screaming like a Catholic choir boy."

I thought about all of those missing girls and hammered down hard. A string of expletives poured from his mouth. Tears began to flow as he screamed.

"Keep it down or I'll hammer again."

He kept on, defiant as ever. I gave him another hit and waited until he composed himself.

"Kid, I’ve got this stake about an inch deep and it’s a good 8 inches long. Modeled it after myself. I really don’t want to bury it in you but I will. To tell you the truth I expected a eurotrash goth boy like yourself to be able to take at least 4 or 5 inches before you gave in. I guess you’re not as worldly as I thought. Now tell me, how many of you are there? How high up does this go?"

"That's not...not who I am. I’m not...I’ve only been a vampire for a few months," he said.

"Bullshit. I heard what you told the girl."

"I just...say those things to try to get laid. I used to be the janitor at a vampire club. They made me mop up the blood from the dancefloor after everyone went home. I figured I could do better on my own."

"Are you kidding me? I wasted all night on you and you’re a low level breeder that don’t know shit? And to boot you’ve been taking advantage of these insecure girls?"

He started to cry.

"Where are the girls? What did you do with them?"

"The woods," he said. "I buried them in the woods."

That was all I needed to hear. I got him up and cuffed him. He began to beg.

"Please...please help me."

"I'm no proctologist. I'm going to help you in the only way I know how."

I walked him out into the lonely dark of those woods, cuffed, still in his boxers and still in a compromising position. I thought about the girls buried all around us as we sat there watching the outline of the sun begin to crest over the horizon. He began to sing. Nothing deep or moving, just some pop song that was making the rounds on the radio. He was well into the chorus when the sun broke and his body began to burn. It wasn't funny but it made his voice go up an octave and hit the notes that much sweeter. His skin cracked and broke. The ash blew away. I thought about picking up my stake then thought better of it. I went back into the house and found the girl petting Helsing. I approached her almost tenderly. I reached into my pocket and pulled out a cross and held it out towards her.

"I want you to promise me after all of this you’ll go straight home and work hard at getting into the college of your choice and get a career that makes you happy and makes a difference in this world and find a man worthy of your time and affections. You promise me that and touch this cross and if you’re lying it will burn your fingers forever marking you as damned before God. Understood?"

She reached out slowly, on the verge of tears. When her fingers touched the cross she let out an inadvertent tremor and pulled away. She had passed the test.

We walked back to the truck through the drifting snow, Helsing leading the way. Once inside I turned on the heat and we sat for a few minutes saying nothing. I hung the cross from my rear view mirror where it twisted in the morning light. She couldn't take her eyes off it. Kids are so gullible these days.