Movie Review: Johnny Gruesome

Spoiler: He doesn't get his revenge, and I can't get my 90 minutes back.

There is nothing good about this movie. I repeat, nothing.

Let me explain the synopsis first:

Johnny "Gruesome" Grissom is your standard troubled teen with his standard troubled teen girlfriend Karen (fucking KAREN!) and friends Eric and Gary. While Eric has some redeeming qualities and has Johnny's best interest at heart, Gary is your typical douche-nozzle trying-to-steal-the-girlfriend 'friend.' When Johnny drunkenly threatens to kill them all while driving in his beloved car, Karen gets the car to stop. Gary, meanwhile, chokes Johnny to death. They dump him and his car in the river.

Everyone grieves Johnny's death, including his unemployed alcoholic father. However, Johnny isn't dead. Oh no. Some really cheap-looking CGI that a five-year-old could make shows Johnny's hell-bent spirit returning to his corpse. He decides to exact his revenge. First, he kills some dickbag kid he fought in the school parking lot the day of his death. Then, he goes after Carol Crane, his teacher and wife to the detective working Johnny's case. She manages to fend him off with water, because he might be one of the aliens from Signs. (I kid... But she really does use water.)

Eric also sees Johnny around, and he and Carol decide to team up to find out why Johnny's resurrected corpse is killing people. It has something to do with revenge and water, blah, blah, blah. It's a weak explanation that doesn't make much sense.

Anyway, more people die, including Karen and Gary, who takes a knife to the head after trying to stab a fucking reanimated corpse. Logic. Karen is so blasted on cocaine that she just cries in a corner until Johnny plunges a crowbar into her skull.

Eric and Carol convince her husband Matt to help them track down Johnny. Eric gets there first and fights Johnny, who almost gets the upperhand. But Matt and Carol pull up, and Eric throws himself and Johnny into the river. Johnny's corpse deteriorates, and Carol and Matt open fire on him, Carol finally taking him out with a bullet to the skull.

Johnny is finally laid to rest, but his screams can be heard coming from his grave as the camera pans and cuts to the credits.

My Analysis (Why This Movie Sucks)

This movie doesn't seem to know whether it is camp or serious. When it tries to be either, it fails miserably. If you want camp with a rock 'n' roll edge, you're better off watching Slumber Party Massacre 2.

Yeah, Atanas Ilich is total boyfriend material in SPM2.

Anyway, my first point: Johnny isn't that gruesome.

Sure, some of the make-up is decent, but Johnny doesn't look that horrific. There are a few moments where you see his skin coming apart, and there's a really stupid scene where Johnny rips his bagged guts out and suffocates his high school's principal with them. (A moment that attempted camp but failed. It wasn't remotely funny.) Overall, the make-up effects are bland at best.

As far as CGI goes, it is beyond bad. The Gingerbread Man had better special effects. Johnny's skeleton at the end is abysmal by any and all horror standards. It isn't funny. It isn't creepy. It is just plain dumb and boring.

Then there's the music. Holy moly, the music is god-awful. I was expecting something a bit more metal, but then I saw that Robby Takac was attached and went, "Huh, no wonder it sounded like watered-down Goo Goo Dolls..." You have kids in GWAR shirts but have this sappy, mellowed-out wah-wah music? No, thanks. I'm not buying it that Johnny is a metalhead or that his friends are either. Nope.

That leads me to the worst part of this film. The acting. Nobody seems invested in their characters. It's like the filmmakers took people who were in Acting 101 and said, "Let's make a film!" The casting director is clearly just going for looks, and I'm sure everyone was not getting paid enough to give a hoot. It is all phoned in. Every. Single. Actor. Phoned. It. In.

I'm not even assigning a star rating to this waste of 90 minutes of my life. ZERO STARS.