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Monsters Aren’t Real

But I’m still afraid of my darkness

By roshanda CarterPublished 2 years ago 3 min read
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My alarm goes off at 6:00am and I hit the snooze button several times before getting out of bed. Yikes!!! I have 40 minutes to get myself and my daughter dressed. My boss warned me yesterday about my tardiness, so quickly we move through my apartment half sleepy and the other half shows under my puffy eyes my sleep schedule is literally 5am until 5am yes it’s true my friend Monster keeps me up all night and she’s always around and she never shut up she’s nice nasty and very critical of me having Lupus and Alopecia all night she talks saying mean things about everyone especially me. Her favorite thing is to remind me just how much the world hates me.

Monster: Fourty minutes you stupid girl playing with people time and money clap 👏🏿Let’s move it fatty you’re ugly so don’t waste your time on self preparation.

Me: Yes I still have 20 minutes left next stop daycare to drop off my kid, then I’m headed straight to work. my wig was pulled back to far off my head and I still had toothpaste in the crevices of my mouth. As I glance at the mirror in my car I just remember thinking of that movie face off with Nicholas Cage and John Travota and how I wanted to rip my own face.

Monster: Girl the car behind you is probably wondering why are you driving so slow and everyone hates you. Your boss is already gossiping about you to all your coworkers. These daycare workers don’t even like you, aren’t you the only parent using a government voucher to pay for childcare 😩

Me: I know I’m sorry for always being in a rush But my head hurts really bad so please stop it with the insults just for awhile Please Monster I beg you I only have 15 minutes to make it to work let me focus.

Monster: I seen the way those teachers were looking at you. Yes I’m sure they all laughs at your bottom low class black ass.

Me: Dang!!! Would you please stop I pulled up to my job with 4 minutes to spare. As I’m Dashing across the parking lot Monster yells out

Monster: You’re a loser and your coworkers hates😂 today is termination day for you dummy with your ugly ass.. imitating the movie the color purple “You showed is ugly.

Me: I made it to work on time so fuck you Monster🖕🏾Leave me alone and before my encounter with any more humans let me take my medications. Because this dam Monster won’t stop, the bitch is on a serious roll today. I almost started to feel better until I said good morning to everyone and only one person replied. They all want me to get fired and I’m a dummy I’m not good enough here. eight hours I spent making sure my job was done well and my coworkers were all pleased. Omg it’s 5:30 the day care closes at 6pm I’m running towards my car when I heard

Monster: Hey Bitch have a accident in kill yourself while driving home. You 🤡

Me: I’m so tired as my child runs up to my car I try hard to hold back my tears from being exhausted. I’m so tired and sad but I can’t let my baby see me cry so I smile and I tell her how beautiful she is and how smart she is. I want her to stay innocent and not let this big scary world change her smile. And I told her I love you!!!

Monster: Wow I’m actually tired…

Me: I just want the nights to be longer than my days. My heart is completely broken and all my hope has gone away, my dreams were deferred God please take me peacefully away from this world filled with so much pain and hate

Monster: Yes, preach sister preach!!!

Me: As I laid there thinking all negative thoughts again I started to cry repeating shut up monster I hate you. My daughter enters my room and she said Mommy don’t cry be brave because Monsters aren’t real people they are distorted thoughts inside your head

Me: Good night baby girl and good night Monster. As I squeezed my baby girl laying next to me I began to drift off into a soft sleep, I felt that all my purpose was right here laying next to me and I couldn’t let my monsters win. But every time I fought my demons came at me harder the next day.

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