Love Me Once, Fool Me Twice

“I guess the voices started going away once I realized I had control over them” I finished saying; hoping they would believe my mostly bullshit words. “They've believed them before, although never to the degree where releasing me was even a slight possibility. Continually looking at the same faces everyday is starting to feel very high schoolish to me. Maybe it's trivial, maybe not it all depends on what I say and how I say it. Lost in my own cavernous thoughts; I almost missed the applause. Gracious ”Thank you’s” and “I couldn't have done it without you’s” are the only meaningless words I can make myself vocalize. To be completely honest I never believed my empty words would drum up enough notoriety to get me to this point, but here I am! I can say, with complete voracity, that the applause and attention give an almost euphoric feeling. Having spent the better part of my life here witnessing others experience this feeling somehow gives validation to the mostly empty dialogue. It feels good to finally be on the receiving end.

“Wow I truly have no words. I am blown away by what you have just shared with the group Jessica.” My therapist Jan said to me. “ I know it was a lot for me to say,” I responded. ” It's good therapy for my soul to know that it's out there in the open, and newcomers or veterans, like me, have the certainty that it gets better.” I vocalize this knowing damn well I was faking everything. “Well by the looks of it I would say that your progress has been amazing. I am going to send your profile to the doctor for review. Maybe you can be released first thing next week.” Jan said to me with a grin. Excitement would be an understatement for what I was feeling. I tried processing every single one of my emotions at that point, but only one prevailed; sadness! If getting released was even an option I would be leaving all of the friends I had made, and I use the word “friends” loosely because can these faces really be friends? Nonetheless I pondered the thought that ran through my mind asking, “what would it be like on the outside, and would it change the way they felt about me?”

Walking along the screaming walls of this facility makes my mood dark. I think about how this will be the last time I have to see these neutral beige walls mixed with dark eyed children pressed up against them screaming to be free. Thankfully, I will never be the dark eyes mixed in the neutral beige again. Unlike them I had formulated a plan to be free of this place, forever! It was easy to keep the plan to myself, because the faces after all really weren’t “friends.”

Opening the door to my room; I realized I would finally be able to pack my bag, even though in actuality it already was. My bag was the one thing I always made sure was fully packed and ready to go at any time. It was the security blanket I clung to, because if my bag was packed I knew that one day I would leave.

It's only 3 o’clock in the afternoon, and my excitement is getting the better of me. I can't sit still. There is only one repetitive thought running through my mind; getting to see my lifelong partner whom I have loved for the better part of my whole life. Seeing Them is only overshadowed by the fact that They won't be able to come pick me up at my release. It's a heavy cross to bear for now, but I know the wait will be worth it when we finally meet again.

“I can only do so much around here to pass the time! It seems that before the days would roll right on by with no delay, however today seems to be an eternity.” Jessica said out loud to no one in particular. “I could fall asleep, but I run the risk of not sleeping through the night. Then I'm right back where I started” they huffed to themselves trying to figure out the best way to pass the time. Not knowing what to do; they decided to go for a walk outside hoping that would pass the time only to end up walking in circles! not checking the clock every five minutes. Making it outside to the courtyard where I always went to relievate my thoughts, it all feels so different now. I mean i'm getting out but my mind only seems to keep thinking about how my lovely girlfriend will react when she sees me again. It's been almost a whole year since she last saw me and I know the als time we spoke before I got put in here wasn't the best but my letters to her should make up for my mistakes along with lost time. it should be as I never got out into here in the first place maybe it won't be like that? The only question m ymind goes back to and that makes me angry if im being completely honest i mean I did fuck up once but were all poeple so we deserve some chances right? Pacing back and forth along the courtyard I didn't even realize the sun setting against a fence that it was time to go back inside. If I never looked up I would've never known that it was time for me to sleep and get ready for my big day tomorrow.

Passing the hallways looking at everyone standing in their doorways waiting to receive their medications I could only but stifle a laughter because I couldn't imagine being one them anymore if they had any thoughts of their own they would know how to fake that shit. Getting to my room I do one last look around to make sure that all of my stuff is packed so tomorrow morning I'm not worrying about any of this. I can only focus on getting the hell out of here with nothing getting in my way. Setting all of my stuff near the door, deciding that it was time to go to sleep only to dream of seeing the love of my life. Letting the sleepiness take over my body, my eyes soon began to feel heavy. Before I knew it I was fast asleep with a smile on my face.

Feeling like something was shaking I slowly started to open my eyes only to see that nothing was shaking. It was in fact me that was being shaken to wake up. Jan was the one shaking me. She always knew how to wake me up without pissing me off because everyone else was way too rough with me for no reason. “I'm going to miss you the most out of everyone else in this place” I said groggily to jan. she shot me a smile then said, “I feel the same way kid this place isn't going to be the same without you.” ‘You always knew how to make me feel better without even trying. Thank you for that.” She only smiled at me before pulling me into a hug. It's like she wanted to speak but did not have the words too so knowing the hug said everything she felt made me feel a little better inside. Jan left the room not too long after the hug ended, only letting me know that it was my cue to get ready then go out to the front where I would be released, this is like a prison, basically have to go through checkout then receive all of the things i came in with that i wasn't allowed to have in here with me.

Stepping through the doors making my way through the lobby of where I was first admitted into a year again feels so surreal to me right now. It seems like a long time coming but I keep on moving forward only wanting to get away from this god forsaken place hoping to never return. Walking outside feeling the cool air hit my face I let out a breath of relief now only wanting to make things right, so that's exactly what i was going to do, off i went to see my Mai. Walking like this has made the journey seem like a lifetime but before I knew it I was in her neighborhood looking around reminiscing about all the cute moments we had here together. I long to go back to those moments. I only wish mai feels the same way. I don't think I could live with myself if she didn't at least hear me out first for all of the things I did. I mean all of them were for her only to show my undying love for her, so her feelings really weren't that necessary, it wasn't like anybody got hurt. So deep in my thoughts i didnt even notice that I had made it to her street scanning each house to make sure nothing changed. That's when I noticed her car in the driveway. That put an extra pep in my step. Soon my legs were faster than the rest of my body, almost like a cartoon character running but their shoes stayed in one spot. Practically running toward her house I notice an unfamiliar car pull into the driveway, one I had never recognized before meaning this was probably a new friend she just hasn't told me about.

The person driving stepped out a second later to be followed by my sweet mai my breath hitched in my throat. “ I had never truly realized how beautiful they really are before I really should remind them more” I thought to myself. My thoughts soon came crashing down when I saw this random stranger kiss my girlfriend. “WHAT THE FUCK!” I screamed, making the two quickly snap their heads towards where I was hiding. Well I blew my cover but at least I can confront hemw without any anxiety now it's all adrenaline running through me having to just witness what just happened. “What the fuck! What the hell is this mai how the fuck could you have been cheating on me for over a year now! Is this why you haven't come to visit me or responded to any of my letters?” I screamed in her face. The person digging who’s name i dont care to know stepped in front of mai pointing their finger in my chest aksing and questioning me, “First off who the fuck are you to be screaming at my girlfeind like a god damn psychopath.” they said while digging their finger deeper into my chest pushing me back. “Don't pull this shit with me right now Mai tell this bitch who I am i mean you have to remember me right?” I pleaded towards the end.

“Wait a second I remember you!” Mai said

“Oh thank god I was scared there for a moment.” I said while pretending to wipe sweat from my forehead.

“Yeah you're that crazy bitch who stalked me all last year and almost tried to kill my family because they got a restraining order for you.” mai said while sounding a little bit shaky.

Scaring her was the last thing I have ever wanted to do but knowing that she remembered me was the greatest thing I could have ever heard in a million years. Tensions were rising between the three of us but I know how to take a hint when thrown in my face so violently. “Okay I can see that I'm not welcomed here at the moment so i'm going to go, but before I go it's rude of me to not get your name.'' I asked the stranger. “Doesn't seem like any of your concern but my name is J for your information.” J replied back to me. “Cool name, well i'm sorry to be a bother i hope both of you have a good day.” with that i left not wanting to look back. My whole journey here has bscially been a waste of fucking time and now im jsut filled wiht this unforgivable rage i mean how could mai have forgotten all of the shit that i did for her? Yeah I mean I almost killed her parents but that was one time and it's not like I was actually going to do it just mildly traumatize them that's all. Now my body was fueling with something I have never experienced before, a new feeling I have never felt before. Maybe it's from all that went down this afternoon but who am I supposed to get over this? I stayed up all night wandering around inly their stupid name replaying in my mind then thats when it hit me i knew exaclty what i ahd to do to get over this.

Standing outside their house I decided to leave a little gift for them for how badly everything went yesterday. It was a lot on us so it's only best that I apologize first. I knocked on the door a couple times before setting the basket down then making a run for it because the last thing they want to see is me. I hid behind a tree watching them open the door before looking around then to the ground examining the basket before picking it up, “would be alot better if they could pick up the pace” I whispered to myself. Watching them they slowly started to look around the basket not long after they dropped to the ground. Looking around making sure that the coast was clear I walked up to their half awake body laying on the ground before only looking up at me muttering a few words onyk some being comprehensible. I could make ijt that they said “how could you? ''I only laughed in response. “Well, I couldn't have her before so what makes you think that you're going to be the one to have her now.” I said with a smirk. “So now you're going to pay the price for getting in the way of thing it was really nice knowing you and by the way your name is stupid but you wont have to worry about that because nobody will be calling you it anymore.” I said “What do you mean?” they said. “Oh, because I'm going to kill you.” Before they could respond, my knife ended up in their chest where I began twisting and turning watching the blood pour out of the body. All the twisting ended up with what I had wanted from the beginning. Once I finished I grabbed my prize then left unbeknownst to me if anyone had seen me or not.

Carrying a nicely wrapped gift up the suburban neighborhood I had visited a few days ago this time with a better head on my shoulders. I got Mai a gift to make up for my behavior yesterday. I got to the door and I decided that with this extra special gift it would be better if I just knocked then left. Hopefully they know that it was from me and it would be very embarrassing if they didn't and thought someone else had done so. I knocked on the door three times before hearing footsteps come to the door. That's when I knew it was my cue to leave, so on my way I left down the road only to hear an ear piercing scream come from the house I was just at. “Damn if only i got the chance to hear those screams in a different light” I thought to myself. I don't know why she's screaming, it's only the heart of her lover so now she will be able to carry their love with him no matter where they end up going or end up seeing.