Lost

“I always have to be the hero.” Faye thought, admonishing herself for her current predicament. This was supposed to be good for her. This was supposed to be different. A fresh start. A new place, a clean slate, a step towards normal. And here she was, in trouble again. Lost. Again.

Just two weeks ago, Faye signed her lease on a small cottage in the countryside, away from the city, away from school, away from everyone and everything she knew. She needed distance and time to get herself on track. After the affair with her best friend’s husband, which led to the pregnancy, which led to the abortion, which led to her mental health falling apart, which led to her failing out of school, which led to her being all but disowned by her family and cast away by her friends, she really really needed some distance. And some time. So she made the decision to find somewhere she felt at peace. Isolated. Surrounded by nature. Not too far that she couldn’t get WiFi, because she had to have her creature comforts, but far enough that she wouldn’t be tempted to go back. At least not for a while.

This little cottage was perfect. And the price was perfect. And the little old man who built it for his late wife and was all too happy to have someone live here since he couldn’t bear to any longer, was all perfect. It all aligned perfectly and she thanked her lucky stars. It seemed like someone was finally on her side. Or so she thought.

Faye sat on a stump to catch her breath, get her bearings and try to figure out what could be done to remedy her situation. “Stupid fucking owl. Stupid cat. Stupid me.” She mumbled, scanning the trees, overcome with hopelessness and frustration. Earlier that evening, Faye, grounding at sunset near the forest that surrounded her now home, heard a mewing. Looking to see where it came from, she saw a kitten, who appeared to be stuck between some fallen branches at the base of a tree. It didn’t even look like the kitten’s ears were unfolded yet. She wondered how on earth did that baby get there, and where was it’s mama? She was wary of touching it, for fear the mama cat may not welcome it back, until she saw a barn owl swoop down and perch on a nearby branch. She made the decision to intervene. She couldn’t live with herself if she’d let “nature run it’s course.” She scooped up the tiny kitten and began looking around to see if she could find its family. She checked a few nearby logs and hollows, venturing a few yards into the forest, not far enough to lose sight of her home. After what felt like a half an hour of scouring, she was ready to call it, and take the kitten home to figure out what to do next. As she began back to her residence, she heard a distant “meow” and what she thought was purring. She stood still to listen, tuning out the crickets and rustling leaves, to see where the sound came from. She heard it again, faintly, to her right. She started to follow the sound, pausing as she went to gather what direction it was coming from. It seemed to be getting farther away, and she wondered if the cat may have thought she was a predator, causing it to flee. The sun was setting fast. She decided she’d go for what she thought was another 15 minutes, as she didn’t know what time it was since she left her phone inside to lessen her distractions while grounding, and if she didn’t seem any closer, she’d turn back.

A few minutes later, it was dark and Faye realized she was lost. And not the figurative “how did I get myself here, my life is so off course” lost she’d been that got her here, she was actually lost. So she sat. And she tried to come up with a plan.

“Girl, you always manage to make a good thing bad, and a bad thing worse.” She thought, reflecting on how in “helping” James, her best friend’s husband, work through his “abandonment issues” from losing his mom in his early childhood, via talk therapy for her 3000 hours toward her degree, somehow landed her in his bed. And his car. And her car. And some hotel rooms. And the bathroom in a karaoke bar that one time.

Her eyes filled with tears of frustration from knowing what not to do, and doing it anyway, time and again, and finding herself royally screwed.

She put her head in her hands as she tried to breathe and clear her mind, her tears wetting the lap of her leggings. Her mind quieted and she tried to think. She thought back to her Girl Scout days. ‘Which side does moss grow? What’s that thing about the stars?’ “Fuck!” She spat through her teeth. Her inner critic started up again and she’s pummeled by the usual harshities her mind spews when she fails.

Until she heard the snap of a twig.

She glanced around, seeing nothing but trees and darkness. She heard rustling, definite movement. “Hello?” She called out. The movement sounded like footsteps. “HELLO!?” She yelled. She heard nothing.

Nothing at all. It was silent. No crickets. No chittering. None of the sounds she’d been accompanied by during this trek. So she knew there was a predator nearby.

She scanned her surroundings carefully. Not knowing what was native to this area. Coyotes? Wolves? What else could there even be?

She squinted her eyes and scanned, expecting she’d see a pair of dark eyes staring at her behind a tree, or shrub. But she didn’t see that. What she saw was much worse.

She swallowed the vomit that rose up in her throat and tried to steady herself as the realization of what her eyes landed on fully settled in her mind.

She saw sneakers, that led to black jeans, that led up to a gloved hand, that was holding a knife.

Her survival instincts kicked in instantly. The kitten in her hands began to stir. She felt the heat radiating from the small animal. She felt the wind across her skin and noticed it changed directions. As her adrenaline increased, and her heart rate began to accelerate, her eyes focused better in the darkness, and she was able to make out more details around her. Able to smell the sweat on the man before her. She smelled the cold in the air. She smelled her own fear. She heard breathing. From behind her. There were two men. Not wanting to alert them, she continued to scan with her confused expression. She shifted off of the stump, into a crouched position, scanning. She placed the kitten on the stump, scanning. Scanning for the path of least resistance. Scanning for which way would be best to run, with the fewest trees, that would put the most distance between her and these two men. At that moment she realized this was a trap and she had been hunted. She made her decision. She took a deep breath and glanced down, checking that her sneakers were tied. And they were, thank Christ. And she ran.

She ran and her heart raced. And her mind raced. And her inner critic let her have it:

“You can’t even isolate right. You find trouble wherever you go. It’s like you’re a magnet for all the fucked up things life can create. Maybe you deserved this. You destroyed your best friend's marriage. You killed your baby. You threw away your career and wasted your parents' money. You deserve this. This is your karma. You’re gonna be murdered in a forest, because you decided to take a quest of enlightenment and not tell anyone where you are. And you decided leaving your phone at home was a good idea. You deserve this. You idiot. You deserve this.”

She heard the men behind her, their breathing heavy as they laughed and gave chase. She ran from the men, she ran from the hateful words she berated herself with, she ran from her choices and her current reality. Tears and sweat ran down her face.

She panted as she ran, dodging branches, leaping logs, her eyes burned, her chest burned, her legs burned. But she kept her stride. Her head pounded, her ears rang. She heard the men laughing, smacking kisses, and calling out to her:

“Just wait til we catch you, you little bitch.”

“I love it when they run! Gets my blood pumping in all the right places!”

“You can’t keep this up for long, but I can definitely keep it up for long!”

Faye’s mouth began to dry. Her throat was on fire and feet ached. Every step felt like knives stabbing her calves. She started seeing stars. She shook her head as she mentally chided herself, feeling her body failing her. “Not now, not now, not now!” She thought. They were gaining on her fast. She had to change gears. She scanned a head and saw a small break in the trees to her left. She kept straight until the last possible second, hoping to throw the men off her path. She cut left and ran through the gap. After a minute or so, she glanced back and saw that the men weren’t behind her. She sighed as she kept her pace. As she looked forward, her long braid swung around and caught on a branch, yanking her back. She fell to the ground. “FUCK!!” She screamed internally. She hurried to her feet and tried to release her hair from the tree it snagged. “No no no no no no no!” Was all that occupied her mind. Her vision was blurry, from sweat, tears, and exhaustion. Her hands shook from the cold and the adrenaline crash she was experiencing. Her entire body ached and shook as she tried to free herself. She was near to blacking out. Her vision came and went in waves. She heard rustling and mumbling as the men approached her. She could barely hear the sick, disgusting things they said to her. She could barely see the lustful grins on their faces as they approached her. Her body shook harder, from exhaustion, from the cold, from fear, she didn’t know. All she heard was the whooshing in her ears and herself thinking “please, please, please, not like this.” As she begged whatever entities existed to spare her this fate. She began to cry aloud. She placed her hands over her face and sobbed. “I just wanted a normal life! I just wanted to live a normal life!” She yelled into the darkness. The men continued to approach, not deterred by her outburst or tears.

“That crying ain’t gonna save you, and no one can hear you either!” One called out.

“WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHH!” The other screamed at the top of his lungs. “See, no ones gonna save you girly.” He cooed to her. “But it’s alright. We’ll be nice and gentle, if you promise not to bite.” The men laughed as they neared her. One man in front to her left, the other behind to her right, maybe 5 feet away. There was nowhere for her to go.

She glanced at them both. She truly just wanted to live a normal life. But maybe that wasn’t in the cards for her. She took a long, deep inhale and a slow exhale, resigning herself to what was to be. The men were now within arms reach. She took a new posture as she smiled a toothy grin, as her nails began to harden, as her eyes went black, as her mouth began salivating, as she prepared for the hunt. The man before her took a step back, and in that instant, she pounced.