Learning to Sleep Alone

I turned over again. It felt like I had been awake all night, though I knew I had dozed off at least a couple times. The storm had gone from rain to hail and back to rain again. I couldn’t close the blinds enough to keep the flashes of lightning out of my bedroom. I needed to get some blackout curtains.

My alarm clock blinked twelve o’clock at me. The power must have gone out at some point. I had no idea what time it was, other than it was still dark and storming out. I refused to wake up enough to check my phone. If I just kept my eyes closed then it counted as sleep.

I had to have at least three hours left before my alarm went off at five-thirty because Olivia hadn’t wandered into my room yet. That kid needed to learn to stay in her own bed.

As if I called her with my thoughts, I heard a tiny whisper behind me.

“I’m cold, Mom.”

It must be just after two a.m. then. The four-year-old’s middle of the night routine was impenetrable. I had tried everything to get her to sleep through the night or at least stay in her bed. Nothing worked. Lately, I was satisfied if she climbed into my bed without waking me. It was a really good night if she stayed on her side of my king-sized bed and didn’t kick me. But she still called out a few times a week and made me get up to go to her.

I reached back and whipped down my comforter without looking over my shoulder as a wordless invitation to get in bed. The foam mattress dipped slightly as she climbed in. She pulled the blanket over herself and settled down quickly. I thought she had already fallen back asleep within minutes, but then she scooted over to me so we were back-to-back.

I loved laying with her like this, especially now that it was just the two of us in our house. I used to make her father do night duty. I used to hate climbing out of a warm bed and wandering around in the cold dark. Now, I was the one who insisted on keeping the bathroom light on between my room and Olivia’s.

Her back was warm against mine. This was probably the reason I’ve always ended up giving in while trying to convince Olivia to sleep in her own bed. I hoped this was another one of those things that parenting books tell you to enjoy, since soon enough they’ll be in college, and won’t want to sleep back-to-back with me anymore.

The flashes of lightning were still keeping me up, but the kid snuggles were helping me relax. If I fell asleep right now, I would get almost three hours of sleep.

“Mommy! Mommy, there’s something in my room!” I jumped out of bed, ripping the blankets off and throwing them on the floor. There was nothing there. My back was still warm but I was alone in the room. “Mommy!”

I speed-walked down the hall, nearly tripping past the bathroom where we always kept the light on and opened her bedroom door.

“Baby, what’s wrong?” I asked. I stood in the doorway, pretending to be tired, but almost panting.

“I saw something move in here.” She said. My heart started pounding. I crawled into bed with her, laying on the outside with my back to the room.

“Oh, sweetheart.” I guided her back down onto her pillow and wrapped my shaking arms around her. “No, baby. It’s just us. Now, go back to sleep.” Her blinds were open. As the lightning flashed again, it lit up shapes and shadows I didn’t recognize. I closed my eyes. “It’s just us.”