I've Been Here Before

1.

I've been here before.

This quiet little corner of this quiet little holler in the hills of Black Mountain. I came out tonight, the same as I always do. A whippoorwhill sang, a chorus of crickets as his backup. They were anyway. They've long gone quiet.

I sat by the stream, among the roots of the fir trees. Hidden. Mom and dad were fighting.

I've been here before.

I forgot my coat at home. It started fast. Glass broke. Then mom did. I ran. Ran fast, ran hard. I could hear dad yelling my name in the distance. The dog barking.

So I hid. Right by the stream. They passed me earlier. Not ten feet away. He never notices me. Not until I go home. Then comes the apology. Then the promises. I always believe him.

Never again.

The whippoorwhill sang its ghost song once more. It never seemed to come closer. Always just out of sight.

I could hear something larger in the woods behind me. The dog, maybe. Or a bear. A mountain lion. A werewolf? I love those horror movies. Mom doesn't like me watching them. So, maybe I imagined it all. My face was numb. So were my hands. The wind coming off the river took my breath. So maybe I imagined it.

Maybe.

A shiver went through me, and a branch pulled at my hair. Warmth spread down my neck, glittering red in the moonlight.

I needed to move. This wasn't going to be my last stop, of course. I had another destination in mind. A friend showed it to me a year ago. A little shack out in the woods. Wasn't much to look at. Four walls and a roof by the loosest definition of the words.

But it was better than being home.

Then I heard it. Footsteps. These weren't in my imagination. And they were close. Just in the trees over my head. I fought the urge to move. To breathe. The forest went silent, and all I could hear was the creature's breathing. Then it tripped. The old root of the tree rocked.

"Dammit." My father muttered.

The metallic clink of a lighter. The smell of cigarettes. He hovered over me, occasionally dumping his ashes. They wafted down and landed on my shoulder. All he had to do was look down. But he didn't. Thank God he didn't.

Once he was done, he flicked the cigarette into the bushes, not three feet from my face. I stared at the orange ember, smoke rising into the air. He waited for another minute, muttered something I couldn't make out, and moved away. I watched the ember go dim, leaving traces of ash behind. I didn't dare move until the sounds of his passage were gone. Sound slowly returned. A frog poked his head out of the rocks a few feet to my left.

I let out a breath and shoved myself out of the mud.

There's a silence to the woods at night you can't find anywhere else. It reverberates so loud that you can't help but hear it. It's the kind of silence that can be broken in an instant. And that is just what I heard. An engine, far away. His truck whirling to life.

I froze on the spot, unable to drag my eyes away from the source of the sound. Was he going to drive it out here? No, that would be ridiculous. He couldn’t do that. Slowly, it began to move away, I waited until it too had gone.

I turned back to the creek.

It was a tiny thing. Three feet wide at the widest point. If I followed the path for a mile, I would come upon the shack. Last month, my buddy Travis and I had gone out and done some shooting. His guns, because my father's were always locked up. He carried the key with him at all times. Something about not trusting us kids to not steal them.

My sister was grown and gone though. I was out in the spring, if he didn’t kill me before then, anyway.

“This might do it.” I said, to nobody in particular.

I ran my fingers through my hair, tracking mud. No sense waiting, so I started off.

Now I wonder if I should have. Should I have just went home? Apologized for running away? Taken the beating. It might've been better, in the end. But I didn’t. I went to the shack.

2.

The night grew colder, and I felt the first touches of snow on my cheek. The clouds rolled in fast, blanketing the sky. I tiptoed my way down the riverbed, taking care not to stand in the water directly. My feet were caked black with mud and grime. Damn but I was regretting this already. Hadn’t been gone an hour.

It was slow progress. By the end I was limping; I’d gained a cut on my heel. A guy, alone in the woods trailing blood. The news story would write itself. All I needed to do was get there. That was all there was to it.

The creek narrowed to a point, barely a foot wide. Soon it would turn. I wouldn't, I would keep going. And I would have too, and maybe everything would have turned out okay. Maybe I would have gotten to the shack. Maybe I would have spent the night alone, and went back the next day with Travis's Remington. He had it stashed in a chest we had found in the back room of the shack with a box of rounds to go with it.

Maybe I had a mind to use it. Maybe on myself, maybe on my dad. We’ll never know, you and I.

3.

I was just about to the bend when it happened. Another hundred yards, and I would have been in the clear.

Up ahead though, lay a dark shape in the water. It was large, as big as me. I could hear it breathing.

I froze as my mind jumped to the werewolf. Maybe it would rise up now, teeth bared and growling. Red eyes trained on me.

As I got closer, it took shape. A deer lay on its side eyes blind to the world. It stared, accusing me of its current plight. Of course it wasn't. It was dead. An arrow jutted sharply out of its chest. It twitched, meaning I guess to rise. To run. But the last of its strength bled out of it with a breath. Water dammed up against its side, rising up to cover its back legs.

I stared in morbid fascination. I had never watched something die before.

The body slumped. Its eyes went glassy. I approached slowly, never taking my eyes off of the corpse. I was an arm length away when I heard a branch snap in the trees. I stumbled to a stop. I didn’t want to look. Couldn’t make myself. Wouldn’t make myself.

Then I heard it.

A low tone on the air. A deep veined thrum in the air. It was the most beautiful sound I’ve ever heard. It rang inside my chest, rattling my lungs. Despite my better judgement, I looked. To this day, I couldn't tell you why. I just did.

Through the trees, I could see a faint light. It looked… golden. The tone chimed again. And I, Ha, God help me, I walked towards it.

4.

I stepped into the trees, unable to pull my eyes away from the light. The air kind of… shimmered around me. I don't know how to describe it, ‘shimmer’ isn't quite right, but it felt thick. Almost like stepping into water.

I didn't have to wander far.

Just through the treeline sat a clearing. A single pillar taller than me sat at the head of each end of the clearing. Four in total. Cat and bird skulls hung from vines atop the pillars. Seven rings of stones ran in circles around the ground, growing smaller as they reached towards the center.

The center of the clearing sat a simple wooden altar. At its base was a dark haired woman. She seemed to be asleep.

I stopped just outside the outer ring of stones. It was just for a moment. Something inside me was screaming to get out, to run back home. In fact, I think I started to turn as the tone rang out in my head, and… I don’t even think I actually heard it. It was just in my head.

I turned back and took a step into the clearing.

The sun should have blinded me. Suddenly it was blazing overhead, as if it were noon. A bird was singing. The woman was awake. She was awake and she was looking directly at me. She stood on shaky legs.

“How do ye?”

I couldn’t answer, my voice caught in my throat. The woman was extraordinarily beautiful, maybe the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. At least I think she was. It’s hard for me to remember now. She was… anyway.

“How… how are you?” She asked.

“I uh...” My mouth was dry.

“Sorry I'm out of sorts. I. It's just been… It is nice to see a goodly face. Come sit.”

She gestured to the ground at the base of the altar. Vines began to grow out of the ground, thick brown and green things, assuming the shape of chairs. Thrones.

“Sit.”

So I did. Through each ring of stones I passed, I could feel the pull becoming stronger. By the end, I don't think I could have stopped myself. I didn't want to. So I didn't. I took her hand and sat beside her.

“How did you come to be here?”

“I was… I was running.”

“Towards your prey, or away from it?”

“I don't know.”

And I didn't, did I? I was going for the gun. I... I would have used it too. That was the only reason to go there. She smiled a smile unlike… anything. It defied description. It lit up her face, and from that moment I knew I was hers.

“I like you already.”

I didn't know what to say to that, so I said;

“Who are you?”

Her smile dimmed only for a moment. Just the barest fraction of a second. If I hadn't been studying her intently, I doubt I would have noticed. The beginnings of a scar ran down her throat, a burn. Beautiful in the discordant way only scars can be.

“I should ask ye the same. It’s been… oh it's been ages since I last saw anyone come to thrift my land. Let alone one such as yourself. Who are you, my love?”

That should have broken the spell. I see that now, but I was… I was so young. I, I, I didn't really hear her. Not exactly. But the way she looked at me. The world upended and I slid into those soft brown eyes. They were perfect, so perfect I saw myself reflected in them.

“It is a rare man as can hear my song. And yet here you sit before me. Tell me, what is your name?”

So I told her.

She chuckled and blushed.

“It is an accurate name, I think. Nice and accurate.”

“You never told me yours.”

She blushed and looked down, past the viney thrones and to the stones beneath. She chuckled.

“I… I will tell you after.”

She kissed me then. She was on me in a flash. I didn't even know what was happening. Then I was warm again.

5.

Time passed..

6.

I don't know how long we were here. It might have been hours. It might have been months. All I know is I grew to love her. She told me about her life. I told her about mine and in her own way, I think she loved me. But eventually everything ends.

This ending began with a simple question.

7.

Do you love me?

This is a hard one to answer. Said too soon, you might wish you hadn't said it at all. Said too late and you might wish you had said it sooner. It also has many different connotations for different people.

My uncle died when I was in school. He had a chronic illness, something in the lungs. On the last day I saw him, he asked me a question.

“You know I love you, right?” He wheezed. The machine beside him beeped a warning. He coughed then, and blood dribbled out of his mouth. He was just a skeleton of the man I knew before. A mockery. Doctors rushed in to check on him.

I didn't get a chance to answer.

He died five minutes later, after the doctors pushed me out of the room.

The answer was yes, of course. I knew and I loved him. So after that evening, I never missed a moment. A chance to tell someone. Love is a powerful thing. It can mend a broken heart. It can also rip your heart into shreds.

I think my father loved my mother. I think she loved him.

I know I loved the woman in the clearing.

One day she looked at me, something lurking behind her eyes. She stroked my hair and let me lay my head in her lap.

“You know what it is I love about you?” She asked.

“What?”

“There was a saying. What was it… you fly beyond fate’s control. You… you shouldn’t have come here, but you did. And I am… grateful for it.”

When she asked me, of course I said yes.

“Say it.” She said with that brittle smile on her face.

“I love you.”

“And I love you. Do you love the stars?”

“I… yes.”

“Say it.”

“I love the stars.”

She poked me in the chest.

“Do you love the trees?’

I grinned.

“I love the trees.”

“Do you love me?”

“I love you.”

“Do you love the stars?”

“I love the stars"

“Do you love the trees?”

“I love the trees.”

She pulled me close for a kiss.

“Do you love me?”

“I love you.”

She kissed me.

There was a burst of light. Vines sprang up my legs, wrapping me in a tight embrace. They burrowed their way into my skin. I felt a wrenching in my chest. Followed by burning down my throat.

8.

I awoke sometime later, laying on my back. The sun was bright, because of course it was. It is always there. I stared up between the branches of the trees. There were no sounds save for the wind.

I didn’t have to look around to know I was alone. I felt it. I felt it in my bones.

Eventually I got up.

You have to get up.

Have to.

I sat at the center of the clearing, and ran my fingers down my throat. There was a burn there, just poking up out of my shirt. It looked just as hers had looked. The woman in the clearing.

I sat there for hours. Days. Weeks. Alone.

I sat at the altar. I prayed. Prayed to everyone I could think of. Nothing happened. I prayed, screamed, thrashed. Nothing and nobody answered my call.

I paced the clearing out, two dozen paces wide. Three dozen long. If I ran out of the clearing, I simply found myself reentering the other side. Back and forth I went in a mad dash. It's enough to drive a man insane.

Sorry. A joke. Just a joke.

I cursed her, this nameless woman. She knew what she was doing. She knew exactly. And how could someone do this? How could anyone do this?

I now no longer know how long I have been here. Here in this little pit of hell, all on my own. So close to nature. Nothing enters here. Not a soul. And you know the funny thing? I don't even remember what she looked like. I… I don't even know my name. I… I've been so alone.

Until.

You know I can feel everything outside of these rings? Everything. From the smallest squirrel, to the largest bear. I know where everything is. One day, after I had been here for years, I felt an old man wander into the woods. He carried a shotgun with him, and a dog trailing behind. He stopped for a rest at the base of a tree.

I felt him sit down. Just the same as he had sat down on me. I saw him too. And I had to blink. It was him. Older. Greyer. Skinnier. Worn down by age. The spitting image of my uncle. Just greyer.

He flicked open that old lighter.

They never found him, after that. He's... I didn't do anything to him. I didn't. He fell down a ravine. Tripped on some branches. Shouldn't have been out here all alone.

Time passed, and then... And then I saw you.

You were alone. Out here, all alone. That same scared look in your eye I know I had all those years ago. I saw you from a mile off, you were in the rocks. The mountain lion was just behind you. You hadn't seen it yet. But you felt it there. Just as I felt you.

Instinct.

You didn't see what I did to it. What I did to save you.

The first time I interacted with the world in… I don't know how long.

Then it came to me.

The song.

I called out to you. All those months ago.

I’ve been there before.

So tell me.

Do you love the stars?