I Accidentally Summoned a Demon Named Fred and Now He Won't Leave
Guys... I'm super serious. This like, totally happened. (Totally not serious... or am I?)
Guys. No not men. Well not just men. Maybe we need to do away with gendered terms like this, even though they aren't even used in a gendered context anymore. ANYHOW......
This is super critically important. SERIOUSLY. C'mon. Don't laugh. I know you smirked just now. Maybe you even rolled your eyes a little, or even snorted. You're probably thinking what does this ramble have to do with demons? Well..... it doesn't really have anything to do with it. Or does it?
Ever since I accidentally summoned a demon, I've been different. My mind tends to wander more. It gets to the point where it seems like the wandering thoughts are never going to end, it's almost as if my thoughts are a broken boomerang possessed by satan himself.
I'm guessing you probably think I'm crazy right now. I mean who actually believes in demons? I can almost imagine you right now, dear reader—sitting in your chair, sipping your coffee—or vodka (hey, I don't judge) thinking to yourself that this writer is an absolute lunatic. But stay with me okay?
Please. Just hear me out. Whatever you do, honest to god, do not go out on a full-moon dressed like a leopard. Just don't okay?
I'm guessing your about to say me, "Elizabeth, why on earth would I go out dressed as a leopard? That is SO unfashionable." Well, dear reader—I didn't want to go out dressed as a leopard but my friend Leighton just absolutely insisted that I do. You see Leighton, Abby, and I have grown terribly bored of our lives.... so naturally we decided to try to call up Bezelbub for a grand old time.
It was a somewhat straightforward summoning. We didn't have animal blood, so I decided to get a Venti pink drank from starbucks, and I poured some red liquor I found in an unlabelled Clay bottle at my house after a party in with the pink drank. Leighton was SO happy that we found a vegan alternative. I mean it's 2018 demons, get with the picture. Pig blood is SO not in anymore.
The next step that we took was torching a pile of Uggs that we stole from some sorority bitches (sorry not sorry). Clarissa from Phi house was SO MAD. So to cheer her up, we covered her Lamborghini in cotton candy, silly string, and naturally, nitro glycerin. Once this was done, it was ON.
We made wreaths for our hair out of twinkle lights and made an infinity sign circle shape thing out of the pink drank mixture...... Leighton knew what it was called.. I can't seem to recall what she was calling it now. Damn it. Where's Fred when you need him? I mean this fucking demon shows up, and has the audacity to claim that we have gravely insulted him and that our summoning attempt was the worst abomination that he has seen in the last millennium. Way to insult a millennial am I right? HAHA. No? Yeah... I know. I can imagine you face palming now or cringing thinking to yourself, "Who does she think she is?" WELL I'M THE ONE WHO CHANGED THE WORLD. OKAY???!
You see, once we summoned Fred, he told us he'd never leave us and that he owns our souls. Fred stole my metro-pass and now I can't go to a party tonight that was totally going to be lit. I was all like c'mon man you're a bloody demon, what could you possibly need a metro-pass for? Instead of answering me in English, he shrieked at me and ruptured my left ear drum. (Fred if you are reading this, that was SO not cool of you).
I kinda get it. Well not so much. The dude was pretty offended that I was dressed as a leopard. I may have made things worse by asking him what a leopard ever did to him. Guess the dude is really offended by leopards.
ANYHOW...... Fred was so pissed off with the whole leopard thing that he decided that he will posses anyone, literally, ANYONE who goes out on a full moon dressed as a leopard for the next millennia. Sorry guys... but it's really no big loss... who wants to be a leopard anyway... I'm sure leopards don't even want to be leopards sometimes.
I can't even remember anymore why we all dressed as animals. The whole thing was such a let down. Why couldn't we have had some sexy incubuses show up and live with us forever instead? Abby asked him this and he ate her heart for saying such a thing to his face. Now she just wanders around town, saying GUHHHHHHH all the time. She doesn't even talk to us anymore...it's like she's not even the same person. I'm sure you are thinking now, hey Elizabeth... people change, sometimes friendships grow apart, its all a part of life, yadda, yadda, yadda.
I guess Leighton and I should get use to life with Fred. After all, we are about to spend the next thousand years with him. Who knows? Maybe we'll end up becoming a throuple. (Incase you couldn't tell, a throuple is like a couple, but is 3 instead of 2.)
Anyhow, Fred is probably going to be getting back soon. I better put on the kettle for him so he has a cup of tea ready for when he gets back.
Note from the writer:
None of the story that was written above is even remotely true. This is my first piece writing this sort of style.