Halloween 2 (1981)

Halloween 2 is a film that starts smack dab in the place where Halloween left off: with Michael Myers getting blasted by Dr. Loomis's (Donald Pleasance) six slugs off of a balcony and out onto the lawn...and disappearing. As such, it almost feels like a weird, half-completed series of outtakes or "leftovers" from the original. There's a sense that we're just hanging -on" here, not building to anything.

But au contraire, mon frere! We're just getting started. Laurie Strode (Jamie Lee Curtis) is taken to the curiously vacant Haddonfield Hospital, where she is fawned over by Lance "The Last Starfighter" Guest. Dr. Loomis and Haddonfield deputies race around looking for MM, and the body of Laurie's friend, played by Nancy Kyes ("Annie") is brought out, looking none the worse for wear, while sheriff father Leigh Brackett (Charles Cyphers) gently closes her eyes for her eternal repose.

Someone called Ben Tramer who has the great misfortune to be dressed as Michael Myers on this seemingly-interminable 1976 Halloween night, is aimed at but never shot by the hysterical Loomis, but is instead crushed by a speeding police car, which then bursts into flames. Bad way to end Halloween night. All tricks, no treats. '

His body is later a grotesque sculpture of charred flesh lying on a morgue table, while Loomis and the deputy (Hunter von Leer) try to decide if it's Michael Myers or not.

Michael continues his killing spree, seemingly impervious to pain or any kind of physical damage. A naughty nurse (Pamela Susan Shoop) takes a hot hydrotherapy bath with a sleazy paramedic (Leo Rossi) which she later regrets as MM shows up, dunks her head underwater, and boils her alive.

Laurie Strode has flashback memories to some bizarre childhood scenes, and for some reason, Michael has broken into a local elementary school and smeared, Manson Family style, the word "Samhain" (Which is consistently but understandably mispronounced in the film) on the wall in blood.

Not thinking Michael is a huge fan of Glenn Danzig's old gothic rock band, he must, of course, be referring instead to the "Feast of the Dead," from Celtic folklore, which doesn't make an incredible lot of sense in the context of his M.O. but does give Loomis, who is picked up "on orders of the governor to return to Smith's Grove " with the U.S. Marshall (John Zenda) and some other psychiatrist (Nancy Stephens) his impetus. Realizing that MM is after Laurie specifically, Loomis holds the Marshall at gunpoint to force him back to the rather squat, unconvincing "hospital" that seems virtually vacant, with empty, creep-inducing, dimly-lit hallways. Nurse Jill (Tawny Moyers) is killed. The security guard (Cliff Emmich) is killed (and hung up by his neck, making one wonder how someone as skinny as THIS particular Michael Myers, an actor with the somewhat appropriate name of Richard Warlock--someone so weak and sucked-up looking--could manage to heft the massive bulk of the morbidly-obese rent-a-cop. But I digress).

The whole thing staggers on to a rousing conclusion, I can assure you. Well, actually, no. As far as edge-of-your-seat suspense, it's a non-starter, although it does have its patina of creepiness about it. It plays like an afterthought, and it's little wonder that the NEXT Halloween "sequel" had nothing at all to do with the first two films. There is a nice opportunity to bring up the "Feast of Samhain," Lord of the Dead, and make a kind of pagan connection between stalk-and-slash killers and the symbological death of Summer and the sacrificial rites that entailed in ancient Ireland. And how this is all an allegory for said sacrificial rites, the atonement of "blood sins," and the manifestation of soulless, silent lurking "tulpas" to enact the ritualistic killing of girls about to lose their virgin selves while making nookie on Lovers Lane. Or something like that (i.e., once she loses her virginity, this is the death of innocence, the virgin must be sacrificed by the nameless, faceless priest of Ballim BEFORE she has become "Aware of her sexuality." Stopping the birth cycle, maintaining her purity, and the chaste devoted vows she has taken to the "god." For Summer's end is here, and the Fall promises a world of white death before "hope Springs eternal" once more).

But, aside from all that intellectual speculation, Halloween 2 is a curiously flat if creepy entry into the eternally confusing succession of series originals and remakes (one of which, the remake by heavy metal rocker turned director Robb Zombie, is ALSO entitled Halloween 2). However, it was a huge hit that year, according to Wikipedia, and fell right behind An American Werewolf in London as far as doing major box office.

As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.

Of the Dead.

SAMHAIN.

Whether he looks too skinny to be a slasher movie killer, or not. (And this Michael Myers could use a few sessions at the gym. Squats. Dead-lifts. Hammer curls.)

And a pumpkin-flavored protein shake. I mean, look at the dude's face, right? William Shatner mask aside, I bet he's as pale as the proverbial ghost.

And everyone knows Pumpkin is officially SWPL. And not just on Halloween, either.

Finito.