For Sale — One Doll (Definitely NOT Possessed)

Due to a family tragedy, we are seeking a new home for Clarissa.

According to studies conducted by toy experts and the Vatican, it has been determined that Clarissa was made in the early twentieth century. She was the last item to have been handcrafted by renowned doll maker Lankester Merrian before the wholly accidental separation of his head and limbs from his body.

Any home will suffice for Clarissa but history has shown that she thrives given the following circumstances:

In terms of her new family -

Mother and father must be outwardly loving but also harbour a secret tragedy.

It would be nice if the father was a bit ditzy and had to occasionally work away from home.

As for the mother, if she was a resentful, former successful career woman prone to unpredictable temper outbursts that’d be fabulous. Even more so if she is a burgeoning alcoholic or with a nascent sleeping tablet addiction.

Extra marks if she has vivid dreams in which she goes on a murderous spree. And if she wakes up from these night terrors clutching a bloody knife then you’re definitely the kind of person we want to hear from.

Ideally, they should have 3 children -

Eldest must a surly, rebellious teenager (goth or slut would be ideal). Accompanying randy arrogant, Jock boyfriend is a bonus. As is a camp, know-it-all best friend.

The middle one — who will come to have a very close relationship with Clarissa — must be a misfit/oddball/loner (extra points if she’s being bullied).

Youngest could be afflicted by mental illness (ie. not the kind of kid who’d be believed if they started telling wild stories of strange goings-on).

It’d really help if the family had a drunken uncle/cousin/grandfather who nobody would miss. No reason.

Likewise pets. Especially dogs. Big black dogs work. Stupid ones are a plus. But must be big.

With big teeth.

And black.

Have to be black.

As for the house, Clarissa will be living in -

Run-down is ideal. A fixer-upper. Large. Lots of rotting wooden boards and grime-stained windows. A hidden dumb waiter is a bonus. As are cryptic chalk symbols that appear on the walls and floors in the hours of darkness.

A cellar. The house must have a cellar. One with a bulb hanging on a long wire that can ominously swing back and forth. Dealbreaker this one.

A tree is also a must. Tall and thick with one long, protruding branch on which a suspected witch might have been hung in the nineteenth century. A must.

Extra points if there’s a sceptical cop living nearby. Overweight divorcee if possible. If they were once a big-city hotshot but got demoted to a rural backwater due to mistakenly shooting a child in the line of duty, then we’re in business.

It would be nice if a family had been slain in the abode in mysterious circumstances twenty years earlier. But this is optional. Don’t worry if this doesn’t apply to you.

Yet.

If you meet any of the above criteria, then you’ll be ideal for Clarissa.

Clarissa- She’ll change your family forever. With her around, life will never be the same again.

(Cost — Free. Will deliver for no extra charge. Distance is not an issue. Even intercontinental.)

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