Eyes are the windows to the soul.

“Eyes are the windows to the soul,” I answered standing in front of the four pageant judges scowling at me and the other basic bitches to my right.

October 2019.

So let me be clear, I ain’t no princess and I’m never gonna be one. I got wrapped up in all this pageant drama because I thought fuck it. I honestly had nothing going for me seeing as I just transferred to this dumb high school in the big apple full of rich snobby kids as a freshman. Yeah, I’m definitely one of them, but being surrounded by a lot of me’s is just too much. And I’ll just cut to the chase, my mommy’s a model and my daddy’s dead, I mean gone. Mommy says he left when I was younger, but I can’t get the image of my mom gouging his eyes out in the living room saying, “So what do you see in me now!?” and yada yada yada, but I could be wrong. Anyways, I was tired of the compliments from my loser classmates, and teachers, and trashy principal Richard and I just wanted something more. Before you say anything, yes my need for validation is totally fine because my mom does it all the time for work. Just family tingz. So, Halloween was coming up and I was honestly over doing the slutty look every single year. Slutty doctor, witch, mortician. Over it. My mom had this weird idea of covering my face because my beauty apparently outshined everything else, including her. It wasn’t such a bad idea and it was already eleven pm so whatever. I wrapped my face in toilet paper and my mom cut out two holes that my hazelnut eyes peeked out of. It was giving me very much chic mummy vibes.

June 9th 2019, 2am, is when everything went to go wrong.

Fast Forward a few months and this pageant is over. Yes I won, I hope that wasn’t even a question. Of course, the compliments ensued and I loved every second of it. With a face like mine, it deserves to be recognized and cherished and loved. I don’t think my mom loved all of the attention I was getting though. “Listen, don’t let the praise and so called love get to your head cus’ you’re not all that.” I peeked out of my room looking at my mother in astonishment because I know she did not just say that to me. “Excuse me?” My mother got up from the white leather couch eerily making her way down the hall meeting me face to face. Mother rubbed her right thumb against both my eyelids. “You ain’t shit.” I turned and slammed the door, clicking the lock into place. Silence. Who does she think she is? I-- I’m Miss Teen New York. Not that it matters that much in her eyes, but I’m not following in her shadow. I snuck out my bedroom window into the lively nature of New York City. I found myself at a 7/11 sitting on the floor next to a dirty old man who tried to get up my skirt. I swiftly made my way towards the cash register looking around, toilet paper. Hmmm. Halloween was one of those nights where I could be anyone else, though I loved the attention. “Eighty-three cents.” I dropped a hundred on the counter and started rolling the paper around my face as my hand touched the cold metal door. I felt like I was on a high. I twirled around New York City’s bustling streets as my face became more enthralled in eighty-three-cent toilet paper. Oh-- the eye holes. I swirled and twirled until I made my way back home. Fumbling around the street blindly I climbed back into my bedroom window. I dismissed the slight creaking I heard in my room that would soon be found to be my mother’s as I fell, my Miss Teen New York crown breaking through the thin toilet paper splicing through my eyes.