Dream of the Huntsman

Sleep paralysis again. Nothing new there.

The rising panic, the inability to move, to get away, the sweating, needing to run, run, get away, get away! It’s coming, it’s coming for me, heart racing, choking because my lungs aren’t working, come on lungs, pressure on my chest can’t even scream no air can’t move we gotta move we gotta go!-

My eyes snapped open. My heart was beating fit to burst out of my chest. My lungs? Struggling to catch up.

In the dim pre-dawn light, I scanned the room. Whatever it was I had sensed coming, it was completely gone, like it never existed.

Maybe it didn’t. I’ve had sleep paralysis before.

Of course, five minutes till the alarm goes off. Great. Just enough time to shower, and hang up my sheets to dry. I’m not doing a special load of laundry just because my brain can’t get its act together.

But… just to be safe…

I called off work, and decided to do a deep clean of the place. Can’t be afraid of the mound of laundry if it’s not there, right? Check corners and cabinets for anyone or anything that might be trespassing.

Didn’t find much, of course. The jacket crumpled up on the back of the door like a banshee gave me the grues, as did the blanket over my couch looking like a zombie waiting to rise up. Well, a proper laundering and folding got those images out of my mind. I evicted quite a few spiders, but none were of a giant size, nor a poisonous hue.

A nice scrubbing in the kitchen got rid of a potential slime monster, which was rather nice to watch, as it swirled down the sink. Tossing out the food that was demanding voting rights also felt good, especially when they organized to gerrymander the voting districts in favor of Rotting Meat versus Dripping Veggies. I exorcised my rights as Dic-tater For Life, and now I reign supreme.

Of course, I took out the garbage. Don’t need the ghosts of takeouts past coming to get me.

Speaking of which, I also put a hurting on my bathroom. That’s one place where one does not need anything, and I mean anything, returning to haunt the odious air. Incidentally, there was no one lurking behind the shower curtain. I checked. Twice.

And I took a quick shower after all the exertions, and it was very quick. I was looking for shadows on the curtain, and any eee eeee eee eeee noises.

I even watered my lawn, to make sure it didn’t rise up and come lurching for me.

I ignored the news, even on my feed. The warning about an unusually large invasive species was ignored, because I was dealing with all the species I knew all too intimately, filling my head.

One hot toddy after dinner, and burying myself in an engaging book, and I figured I was finally ready for bed. After checking twice to see that all the windows and doors were locked, of course.

It was nice to drift off to peaceful sleep-

Which was almost immediately interrupted by a feeling of dread.

I couldn’t move. Again!

This time, when I tried to run, I could hear tapping. Tap, tap-tap… tap. Irregular, soft, but menacing. Little scratches in between.

I couldn’t see anything. The room looked clear. I’d just cleaned it!

I felt my poor adrenal glands squirt, flooding my system with adrenaline. My heart raced, trying to out-match the tapping with its own peripatetic beat.

Weight on the bed! I could feel my body tip towards it, gravity catching me, flipping me over.

Giant spider!

It didn’t bite me with its fangs, which I found surprising, since I was paralyzed. Instead, it tapped me a time or two, and I guess, decided I was already dead? It caught me in its jaws, and scuttled away.

How did it get in?

And how the hell did we get out again? Begging your pardon, I felt the word was justified, given the circumstances.

Next thing I know, I’m being dragged up a vertical wall.

If I had been able to move, I would have been frozen in pure fear.

I’m absolutely afraid of heights.

I live in a single story house for a reason! No basement!

I could feel myself dangling from chitinous jaws, nestled in the curve of glistening fangs. To keep me from falling, of course. Surrounded by bristling hairs, a few of which had stabbed into sensitive skin, and were itching fiercely. And I couldn’t scratch.

Okay, universe, ha ha, this is funny and all, but I don’t even like the haunted house rides at amusement parks. I don’t find them particularly amusing. So, thanks anyway, I didn’t ask for this ride, you can let me off at the nearest stop now. Really. Any time. As long as it’s horizontal, and solid.

Seriously, any time now…

Wow, the ground is so far away. Past my waving hands and feet, dangling from spindly appendages, hello ground, I miss you, miss being safely attached to you by gravity and mutual attraction…

I was heaved somewhere dark, and there was a sudden hiss and swoosh.

The presence of an eight-legged hairy behemoth hovering over me, vanished.

There were sounds, but from the position I was dumped in, I couldn’t see a thing. I felt like a piece of furniture from a certain warehouse store, put together all wrong, with a part or two missing. But on something solid and flat, so there was that.

The hissing, and clicking, and assorted noises I couldn’t parse, faded.

So did I. Faded, that is. It’s not like I could see anything but darkness anyway, with an unresponsive arm carelessly thrown over part of my vision. Thanks, body, be more careful next time.

When I woke up, I was where you found me. And I could move, and most importantly, scream for assistance. Thank you, Padre, for realizing it wasn’t bats in the belfry this particular time. Getting me down might be a bit of a problem, so could you summon help? Please? But no tranquilizers. I’ve had enough of those for a lifetime...