Deserted

TW: Abuse, Suicidal Ideation.

The road split the desert right down the middle and Renee thought about her life. There was a distinctive ‘Before’ and ‘After,’ and she was right at the precipice of it. Billions and billions of stars mocked her, clear white pinpricks in a blackout curtain. The possibilities were endless, and Renee was filled with equal parts excitement and trepidation.

‘You’ll never make it without me...I never want to see you again...You’ll end up on the streets like the whore you are…’ Her mother’s voice played on an endless loop. How long would it take to shake it? Would she ever shake it, or would these messages live in the background of her mind? Auditions, interviews, dates–all overshadowed by a constant, nagging perception of inadequacy. What a lovely legacy her mother had instilled in her.

Renee focused on the road, on her breath, and willed herself into a state of peace. Her 23rd birthday was next week, and she had given herself the gift of freedom. Her mother’s plan to prove Renee was insane had backfired in the most wonderful way. The therapist Renee’s mother had insisted she see had ultimately suggested Renee leave her mother’s house as soon as possible. It had taken months for Dr. Schreiber to build enough trust between them to allow Renee to tell her what was really going on.

In a twisted way, Renee understood the people she heard about on the news who killed their whole families before they committed suicide. She’d always listened to these stories with a sick sliver of envy. She could have easily ended up as the subject of one of those headlines. Instead, she was on her way from Arizona to LA. She had no idea what she was going to do for money. Despite her dreams of stardom, she was realistic enough to know it wouldn’t happen overnight (her mother had given her that much, at least). She’d never bothered to ask her mother if she thought she could make it as an actress–she knew the question would be met with either a resounding and definitive ‘No,’ or a burst of condescending laughter. Renee was glad she’d never asked. She hoped her mother would one day see Renee’s face in one of the daytime soap operas she loved so much. Renee's lips curled at the thought.

Renee snapped back into the present. Something had moved in the quiet stillness of the desert. Renee couldn’t be sure, but she thought she’d seen something out of the corner of her eye. It was running very fast, and it didn’t look...normal. Renee shivered.

The car had sat unused in her Uncle Del’s garage for years. It was ancient, but it still ran, and her uncle had the car serviced before gifting it to Renee. She suspected her uncle felt some remorse for how uninvolved he’d been since his brother had left Renee and her mother to fend for themselves. When Renee called him for help (at Dr. Schreiber’s urging) he admitted he hadn’t realized how horrible things had been for her. He’d even given Renee a few hundred dollars from his retirement savings to help her get started. It wouldn’t last for long, but it was something.

She could have moved in with her uncle. He’d even offered her a spare room. But Renee was determined to get as far away from her mother as possible. She would have moved to New York if she thought her car would make it (or if she wasn’t so intimidated by the cold winters). LA seemed like a sunnier place for a new beginning. Plus, she was less likely to freeze to death if she had to live in her car for a bit. It wasn’t her number one choice for a living situation, but it would still be better than another day with her mother.

The car slowed. Renee gasped. Her uncle had warned her that the gas gauge was finicky, that she should pay close attention to the mileage and make sure to fill it as often as possible, but it had been miles since she’d seen a gas station. The last station she’d seen had been poorly lit and she feared unknown dangers in the dark. She'd thought she could make it to the next town, but as she pumped the gas pedal and pulled over to the side of the empty road she realized her mistake. She was in the middle of nowhere, and she was alone in the dark.

She remembered to turn on her hazards, at least. She tried to ignore the sound of her mother’s gloating laughter echoing inside her head. She could do this. She could figure this out. She was pretty sure she wasn’t that far from the next town–maybe only a few miles. She’d walked that plenty of times when her mother had sent her to get groceries but wouldn’t allow her to drive. “You’re too distracted, you’ll crash my car. You could lose a few pounds, anyway.” Her mother was always looking out for her health, of course. She was grateful Uncle Del had taught her to drive and helped her get her license. Her mother would never have given her that much time or effort.

Renee steeled herself. All she had to do was get out of the car. She gripped the handle and pushed. She popped the trunk and crossed her fingers. The door swung outward and she slowly lowered her feet to the gravel. “One step at a time,” Dr. Schreiber’s words formed a reassuring layer over her mother's laughter. If she concentrated, she could almost drown her mother out entirely.

Renee grabbed the red gas can out of the trunk. Uncle Del assured her he’d used it on plenty of occasions. The smooth plastic handle was a comfort, reminding Renee she wasn’t completely inept. She wasn’t the first person in the world to run out of gas.

Something rustled in the brush. Renee’s heart dropped as she whirled to squint into the shadows. She had the distinct feeling of being watched. She thought of all the times she’d escaped the house to wander through the nearby desert preserve. Sometimes she wished she’d happen upon a cougar or a rattlesnake, anything that might put her out of her misery. Now that her life was actually beginning, she was afraid of what might be out there, waiting to spring out at her. She never expected how terrifying it could be to finally fear death.

She was familiar with the desert. There were very few creatures that could kill a human easily. The biggest threat was dehydration, which she was more likely to eventually experience if she didn’t start moving. She grabbed a bottle of water and her cellphone as she locked the car and shoved the keys in her pocket. At least she knew her car wouldn’t be stolen–unless the would-be thieves had thought to bring some spare gas with them. Her phone had been dead for hours, drained from using GPS to navigate out of the city and point her towards her destination. She’d picked up a map at the last gas station she’d been to. That seemed like forever ago, back when there’d been daylight and things seemed safe and exciting. She grabbed said map and a jacket before locking her car again. She stuffed the map into a large jacket pocket and tied the jacket around her waist. She knew how cold the desert could get.

She’d checked the map shortly before her car died. There was a small town about two miles west of her current location. She could make it, she told herself, pushing aside thoughts of monsters and chainsaw murderers. She suddenly regretted her years-long obsession with slasher books and films. Her imagination was better than she preferred as the darkness moved around her.

“You are perfectly safe,” she told herself aloud, “There are no chupacabra or werewolves hiding in the desert. There are no serial killers watching from behind the Joshua tree. You only have to walk a few miles to light and safety and fuel.” With these strange affirmations, she set off toward her destination.

Despite the late hour, there was enough ambient light for Renee to pick her way along the highway without tripping over the rocks or branches scattered along the roadside. She both hoped and feared a car would come along to give her a ride. However, if there was a car, there would inevitably be people in said car, and she was unsure of how to handle that. She’d always been paralyzingly shy–she rarely made friends in school, which her mother both reprimanded and blamed her for.

“Why can’t you just be normal?” her mother would needle her, “Your classmates must have too much common sense to be friends with someone like you,” was her mother’s ultimate conclusion.

Renee whipped her head around. She could have sworn she'd heard something again in the bushes. Her stomach dropped and she felt her pulse quicken. She strained to see in the dim light. Nothing stood out to her, but she felt pinpricks on the back of her neck.

Something was watching her.

She was sure of it now.

She considered running back to her car, but that wouldn’t get her anywhere. She would be inside and possibly protected, but she’d also be trapped. She turned back to the direction she hoped would take her to the next town and picked up her pace.

Renee still couldn’t be sure if something was following her, but she again thought she heard unnatural rustling in the brush as she began moving. When she would stop, it would stop. When she moved, it moved. It seemed to know instinctively what her intentions were.

“You’re going to die,” her mother’s voice taunted, “You’ll be found in a ditch somewhere and absolutely no one will care when you’re gone. Do you think I’ll care? The only reason I’d visit your grave would be to spit on it and say I told you so.”

Renee never realized that what her mother had been doing to her was abusive until she started talking to Dr. Schreiber. How could she have known any differently? All of her information and life experiences came from her mother, through the lens of her mother’s warped perspective. According to her mother, everything outside of their home was terrible and evil and would lead them to destruction. After a few years, Renee’s mother pulled her out of school and began homeschooling her.

“You’re not learning anything useful there, anyway!”

Renee already knew how to read, but there were only certain books that were acceptable in her mother’s house. She knew basic math, but according to her mother, she would never need anything more advanced than what she’d already learned.

“You’re not smart enough to get a job that would require math. Use a calculator if you need it.”

Renee was never good enough or smart enough or enough for her mother. After a while, she gave up altogether. Somehow, her teaching method of berating Renee until she stopped talking wasn’t actually benefitting either of them.

Renee thought she saw something out of the corner of her eye, but she refused to turn. She saw lights up ahead and realized she hadn’t been very far from the next gas station at all! Hope surged in her chest, and she was jogging. Whatever was following her did the same. Renee did turn and just barely glimpsed something dark, running, gaining on her. She caught a pair of glowing yellow eyes and stifled a cry as she pumped her legs faster. Her mother laughed at the wetness streaming down her face.

“Useless, sniveling, baby. You deserve whatever you get!”

Her lungs screamed and her legs threatened to give out as she neared the gas station. Only a few more yards, only a few more meters, only a few more feet until she reached the blessed light that ringed the station. Something was whining–she couldn’t tell if it was her or the thing that pursued ever closer.

The gas attendant jumped as she burst through the door. She was so relieved it was unlocked she almost collapsed. The bell on the door jingled merrily.

“Whoa, are you okay, ma’am?” The attendant couldn’t have been much older than she was. He had a messy crop of brown hair and wide green eyes. The magazine he’d been looking at flopped to the floor.

“I’m sorry,” Renee gasped, “There’s something…” her words were barely audible and cut short by her lack of oxygen.

“You know, you can bring your dog inside if you want,” the attendant began cautiously, “No one’s here right now, they won’t know and my boss doesn’t care.”

“Dog?” Renee wheezed, utterly befuddled. She turned back to the door.

Just outside the glass door sat a medium-sized black dog with floppy ears and a wagging tail. It was skinny and its fur was patchy, but it was one of the least-threatening animals Renee had ever seen in her life.

“I don’t…have…” Renee began, then said, “I don’t have a leash.”

“That’s okay. We have some rope if you want. Do you need gas?”

With an overwhelming sigh of relief, Renee realized she was still holding the gas can (she must have been holding onto it for dear life as she ran).

“Yes, please!” she told the attendant, “I can pay cash. Also, rope would be great. Do you have any dog food?”

“Yeah we keep pet supplies down that aisle there,” he said, pointing.

Renee paid for gas and her purchases (dog food, two small metal bowls, extra water) and slowly approached the dog. When she opened the door, the dog stood up and wagged its tail, panting excitedly up at her. She imagined what had been a desperate run through the desert for her had been a fun game of chase for the dog (which she realized was a ‘him' once he was standing). She knew she would learn a lot from her new friend. She gave him food and water as she loosely tied the rope around his neck.

“Do you want to come with me to start my new life?” (ravenously eating the food she offered was the only answer she received from him) “Is that a yes? I guess so! I think I’ll call you…Neo. That means new. Do you like that? Do you need a new life, too?”

Neo looked up and licked her face in response. Renee collected her things and stopped by the gas pumps for the precious fuel they’d need for their journey. Neo trotted happily beside her as they leisurely walked back to the car–a stark contrast from the agonizing sprint to the gas station. Having Neo beside her made Renee feel more safe and relaxed than she’d ever been in her life. By the adoring looks he gave her, she suspected Neo felt the same about her.

“Don’t worry, Neo,” she told him as he hopped into her passenger seat, “I’ll keep you safe. I don’t know how you ended up here, but I won’t desert you. I know how it feels to be unwanted. I never want you to feel that way again.”

The sound of the car’s engine when she turned the key in the ignition was one of the most amazing things she’d ever heard in her life. Not only had she fixed her situation herself, but she’d also gained a companion in the process. She may not have everything in life figured out yet, but somehow she knew she and Neo would figure it out together.