Death to all Smurfs
Introduction by Kenneth Keller
It was a sad spring day in the forest. All the animals had gone away. The sky was full of mist and the air was permeated with the now familiar scent of death. Hatred was breathing again in the village once more. The clouds were gray and the tree trunks were stained with blood. New inhabitants now graced this land with singing dancing and laughing. These things, all once common in the village, were slowly starting to return. But alas so had the Monster.
Narration by Papa Smurf
I- The Day the Forest died
Many people who know of the legend of the Smurf massacre always get the facts distorted. Then they always wind up coming to me and of course I have to set them straight so the legend doesn't get blurred. On that faithful day the morning had started off as any other. Yes I remember it well, Smurf blood on my hands. Thousands of one inch blue dwarfs begging me to help them. To make the pain and suffering stop. Always before they had come up to me and I did what was needed to make the village calm. But on this day an evil like none ever existed before was created. Forged from the nightmares of a demented scientist and as much as I wanted to help them I couldn't even try.
I recall the calmness that engulfed the village before the massacre. Brainy was his usual obnoxious Smurf supervising handy and clumsy while they were working on finishing lab that they promised to have ready for me the year before. Farmer Smurf was complaining about the lack of rainfall which was going to ruin this years crop of smurfberries. If he only knew how much I hated smurfberries. Smurfberry jelly on toast, smurfberry butter on bagels, smurfberry juice, smurfberry this, smurfberry that! Oh my, must contain myself. Wouldn't want my image tarnished. Anyway were was I before that silly tantrum? Oh yes. Bluey Smurf was his usual melon colony self insisting that today would be the day that he broke out of his shell.
For endless years he had been claiming that. Day after smurfing day- ha ha ha he would never change. But I digress. Greedy Smurf was busy handing out the smurfberry cake that baker Smurf prepared and of course the twit always had to take the biggest piece for himself. Then there was vanity Smurf or, as I like to call him now, Come out of the Smurfing closet already Smurf. " How does this look Papa Smurf? You know papa Smurf you would look so much better if you did something with your hair."
Damn them all. Why did they act like they are the most important creatures in the forest? At least I had two Smurfs that I liked. Sweet innocent Baby Smurf and of course Smurfette. Both were not natives of Smurf village but I loved them more then all of the other rodents combined. Baby was so cute with his naivete towards how the world really was. The way he spit up smurfberry juice all over me was so precious. It always brought me to tears whenever that cute little blue brat would dump the remains of his previous nights dinner onto my lap as I held him. That's me-good ol papa Smurf-he can always take things with a grain of salt. Always handles such awkward moments with class and dignity.
But the one that really captured my heart was of course Smurfette. Always nudging my Smurf privates(on accident no doubt) when she comes to give me my daily hug. Always leaving the curtains open while she's changing or taking a Bubble Smurf. Such the innocent. Yeah right and Gargamel loves is a handsome generous man. I have always had my suspicions that Smurfette was always performing an act. Did she honestly expect any of us to believe such a vison of beauty would not have had a full and wonderful life outside of the village?
I suppose the point of no return came when I saw her and carpenter Smurf kiss. How could she? If any Smurf was to be the recipient of her desires is there any doubt it should have been me? A lifetime of devotion and never asking anything in return from those toads? Such betrayal. They would all feel my wrath. They would all feel pain.
With that last outburst I ran back into my lab to devise a plan that would rid the world of all Smurfs. All except me or course. But, again, how should I do it? Poison? Torture? No no such things were beneath me. Ay yes I got it. Brilliant. Truly brilliant. I shall create a new Smurf. One that looks and acts just like them. And then when they least expected it. He'll do what I command of him and rid the forest of these blue rats.
For two weeks I worked diligently on my scheme. Hours upon hours I spent reading, chanting, and molding. Molding the newest Smurf on the block. Same features as all the other inhabitants of our village except for one slight. He'll have no feelings. No remorse about butchering those trolls. He won't care about anything or anybody. Butchering? Oh yes he needs a trade. Garbage Smurf? Too simple. Meat clever Smurf? No even those fools would get suspicious of such a tradesman. How about Fire Smurf? That's it! The village elders had long since petitioned for a Smurf to be available for such a task but nobody was ever available. Hmmph, if you ask me it wasn't that anybody was ever conveniently unavailable. It was probably more that nobody had the Smurf to volunteer for such a brave task. Well my Smurf would be brave enough not only for fighting fires but also for slashing the tiny throats of his unsuspecting victims. I added the final ingredients and waited. It would need three days for the mold to form and for nature(ha) to take its course.
Now I know what many of you are thinking. How could you do this to your own kind? They needed you as a child needs a parent. People get a fucking clue will you? What you saw on Saturday morning television was not our reality. Okay some asshole found us while stumbling around in the forest and for the next ten years researched our community. But do you honestly believe everything was as cute and cozy as they made it out to be? Do you honestly think Gargamel never was victorious against us? They never aired the footage of when he and his stupid cat came to our village and wiped out half of the village with a leaf blower did they? We called it Hurricane Gargamel. And I am pretty sure they never showed the time Brainy Smurf got drunk on Smurfahol and made sweet love to Gargamel's cat.
So don't start analyzing why I did what I did. I am an old blue one inch being who was never shown the proper respect ever after decades of looking out for thousands. You don't seem to realize I was not their parent. I was just the oldest. Tell me what do you really know about me besides what you saw on tv? Suffice to say I am not a very nice person. I spent my childhood as the runt of the litter so too speak. My family was the poorest in the village and I was more like a slave then a child. Whatever lowly function needed to be done they had me do it. My siblings treated me like a servant. My parents had little time to spend on the "ugly one" as they had called me. So I grew up as an outcast. I left the village when I was a young man and studied along side, believe it or not, Gargamel. We had an uneasy truce with a common bond -our hatred for the Smurfs. Why God had chosen to make me in their image is proof that our God is not a fair God. I never wanted to be like them. And for years I learned all I could from that fool until one day he caught me in bed with his wife. Not having many options I returned to the village and convinced them all that I had changed. The last remaining members of my generation gladly accepted me back thinking they could use me to get back at Gargamel. Of course what they had failed too realize was that I had made Gargamel's hatred for Smurfs even more intense since alas after all is said and done I was one of them.
Years went by and for a time I actually forgot about the days of youth long since past. The new generation of Smurfs only knew me as a well respected and accomplished scientist. A Smurf of wisdom. The Smurf responsible for outsmarting Gargamel time after time after time. The Smurf that made every one's life easier. I brought technological advances to the village and because of that I feel we became complacent. I would have to say it was around this time that my anger started to come back to the surface.
So there you have it. Your all caught up and if not oh well. Not my place to play historian. I only agreed to this interview because it meant a day out of my cell. I am sorry. You still wanted to hear about how my creation butchered those helpless hapless fools. Well I don't have much time left so I will make this short. I introduced Fire Smurf to the village during a special party the villagers had in my honor--something about thanking for me for so many years of leading them selfishly. Whatever. They weren't thanking me a month later when on that fateful day Fire Smurf attacked each one of them unmercifully. As I said before I can still hear their screams of anguish as he betrayed their trust and lashed into them repeatedly. How could I have done such a thing? They ...
Interviewers note---it was at this moment that the subject broke down into tears. I felt it important to tell this poor bitter creature the news that IT had returned. If anyone could help rid the forest of this monster surely it could be the one that created it. So for the next few moments I let Papa Smurf know that not all members of the village had been slain. It seems that Carpenter Smurf after hiding Baby Smurf and Smurfette in a secret cave ran off into the darkness of the forest. Legend has it that Carpenter Smurf ran to Gargamel and pleaded with him to help and wouldn't you know the old man agreed. He conjured up the finest potion he had ever made and ran to the village. Undoubtedly the tales that were shown on the tv concerning his hatred for these creatures were false because the man gave his life saving hundred of these poor innocents. Papa Smurf himself had awakened from his psychotic state and tried in Ernst to stop the madness that he had forged. In any event after all was said and done the monsters rage was halted as Gargamel and Papa Smurf joined forces. Of course ultimately the survivors agreed mankind must know about the carnage. Papa Smurf was apprehended and coped a plead that put him in the states Psychiatric hospital for the criminally insane.
Life slowly went back to normal for the Smurfs. Their true nature, that of kindness and gentleness, helped heal the old wounds. For years they rebuilt and, with a little help from mankind, they thrived. Now some twenty years later villages had popped up all over the forest and they lived in peace and harmony until IT came back. I was authorized by the government to give Papa Smurf a full conditional pardon providing he agreed to help. The old Smurf in his tired and withered state jumped at the chance to do whatever it took to rid the forest of the monster once and for all.
Next installment-Papa Smurf is welcomed back.