Darkness

Darkness

That's all I remember

How long ago. I'm not quite sure.

Not darkness when the lights are out. Where you can search out vague dull outlines in a room. Complete darkness. Not just an absence of light. An absence of everything.

Not even the Hum.

It's been peaceful if. Nevermind.

I was sure I was alive but I couldn't open my eyes. A heavy burden weighed down on them.

I was sure I was alive but I couldn't hear myself breathe or feel my heartbeat.

I am sure I should be able to smell the panic growing.

Sweat rivulets forming on my forehead. But I can't feel them.

I have no idea how long I had been like this. My head hurts. Or at least I think it does.

I can't feel anything. I have awareness. I hope.

Awareness with the absence of tangibility.

A silent sharp something tears through my forehead from one temple to the other. I.

Think?

My body feels light and heavy. Existence is weighing me down. Something is pulling at me. Keeping me still. I imagine my eyes rolling from one side of their sockets to the other.

Nothing is working.

I try to remember what it felt like when my shoulder engages with my arm to lift it. Nothing.

Did I...

No.

Wait.

Did I have a fall in the shower?

I don't feel pain. My legs don't feel bruised. My arms don't feel cut.

I don't feel.

Perhaps I was taken to hospital and I'm in a coma.

No. I can't be in a coma. Can I?

Okay. Fine. Coma.

It explains everything.

But I remember. No. I don't.

Do I remember falling?

Wouldn't that be a memory?

What if this is me?

What if this is all I've ever been.

Can I see something in front of me?

Lights like when eyes are closed but aware and the lids are pressed tightly.

I miss touch.

But what if I never knew touch?

How could I miss it.

So. Coma must be coma.

Or I'm trapped.

Maybe I'm safe?

I don't feel...

Safe.

Can a trap be safe?

How would I know?

My body... If I have one.

Could be somewhere beyond this abyss.

But.

No.

I don't feel.

It.

Anything.

What if my body is somewhere else.

Or perhaps I've never had a body?

I miss the heaviness of breathing. Panting. After running in the rain to catch a bus.

But how can I?

Is that a lie?

A safety net.

Something moved.

I think of the word rupture. Perhaps the darkness is answering.

Or perhaps nothing has changed.

I felt a breath.

But did I?

A warmth, a moistness. But nothing settled.

But the recollection lingers.

Maybe if I stop trying.

That's how nightmares work?

Stop trying and wake?

Sink into the darkness, let it envelop you.

Then wake.

Isn't it?

Maybe I should surrender.

If this is me. Then why fight it anymore?

The effort of existence is exhausting.

I feel.

Nothing.

Still.

Lost.

But now drifting further.

Into the darkness.

No more trying to remember, imagining.

Acceptance.

But.

What if I'm trapped?

What if I'm safe here?

But.

I can't hold on.

I let go.

I don't remember what touch feels like.

The fractals ahead... Are they ahead? Have I moved or did darkness move.

The fractals like the shapes when your eyelids close are taunting me.

What was that?

Was that a sound?

I heard. No I didn't.

I don't want to wake.

Please don't let me wake.

Anyone that can hear me.

Can I hear me?

My eyes feel. There. But I still can't see.

I can feel the lids open.

But nothing waits for me.

More darkness.

Heavier darkness.

Darkness that tastes.

Like dread.

Not death.

Death is easy.

Then pain.

A sharp, screech awakens my ears..

A shock to my system.

I try to shout.

But can't feel my mouth.

The sound gets louder.

Closer.

Then.

Nothing.

Relief.

Is it over?

I open my eyes

And nothing.

I close my eyes

Nothing.