Creepy Creatures and Myths #5: What the Hell is an 'Agropelter'?

What the hell is an Agropelter? Well, it's a "fearsome critter." What is one of those? It's apparently a step below the standard cryptid, as people seem less inclined to believe so-called fearsome critters actually exist. Indeed, the Agropelter seems to match that category, as it is apparently a tall tale linked to lumberjack lore. Basically, an Agropelter is an ape-like creature with long, whiplike arms that can throw logs (and presumably sticks and rocks) at any people who piss it off. In other words, if you could somehow meet an Agropelter, you'd better run quick or come equipped with an Agropelter-repellant. They don't call them fearsome critters for nothing!

The Agropelter results from this process: “In early lumberjack folklore, fearsome critters were mythical beasts that were said to inhabit the frontier wilderness of North America. The critters were a part of lumberjack downtime and were often used to welcome and haze newcomers to the camp. Lumberjacks who would go from camp to camp would bring their entertaining stories with them and they would slowly spread as tall tales across America."

I'll talk about this mythical beast a bit here. Then, for the heck of it, I'll offer up a short, fictional story about it.

The "Facts" of Agropelter Lore

My favorite description of the Agropelter is that it has "the villainous face of an ape." Now, honestly, when I see primates, I rarely ever think of the word "villainous." Still, that's something Wikipedia quotes on their page. And, frankly, you won't likely find much more info on the Agropelter than a Wikipedia page, or something very much like it.

For example, here's a page about it at "Wikiwand." In other words, this article is almost pointless. However, once you've swallowed that bitter pill, maybe you can at least respect my honesty about the futility of this article and enter the appropriate introspective headspace regarding your own adherence to myths and fantasies.

Terrors of the Agropelter in Pop Culture?

Here's what's weird about this mythical beast: I wasn't able to find it appearing in any movies or TV shows as a topic. Why not? To me, an ape-man with wiry arms slinging logs at people is a solid idea! The only snag is that, at this point, it's a lesser-known mythical creature.

But hell, every Bigfoot has to start somewhere, right? So don't be a perpetual stranger to the Agropelter, Hollywood screenwriters! Get out there and make something happen! Then again, sometimes Hollywood likes to dumb things down, as it ultimately did with the story of Frankenstein. Nevertheless, I want to see an apeman whipping logs at people, damn it!

If I May Be Serious

Okay, okay, I'll pretend to be scientific for a moment. When assessing this blatantly non-existent creature, there are still interesting topics that can come to find. For example, how likely is it to find an aggressive gorilla, who would attack people? Well, in the aftermath of Harambe's shooting death at the Cincinnati Zoo, the BBC addressed this very question.

Ian Redmond of Ape Alliance stated: "All the incidences I know where people have been hurt by gorillas, or in some cases killed by gorillas, are in the wild where the gorilla feared an attack or was actually attacked," The article also emphasized it was always the human's fault.

In other words, it is the human being with "the villainous face." In fact, this could be a decent little element to any movie about the Agropelter. Just as "SeaLegacy" came under fire for politicizing an injured/starving polar bear for their "This is what climate change looks like" video, one can easily imagine a story about an exploited Agropelter. What if, for example, the Ahropelter actually wasn't particularly mean, but just threatened, and that's why it attacks people? Did you ever consider that policy, numbnuts?!

After all, a surprising amount of weird-looking animals aren't particularly dangerous. Obviously, plenty of spiders or even snakes aren't all that dangerous. Then you have something weird like the Pangolin, which actually exists but looks almost like a cryptid (Pangolin means “the animal that digs through the mountain," by the way). Then, of course, you have the platypus, which is such a weird creature it sounds like someone's lying by describing it. There are so many creatures that can be exploited for tourism, be they real or fake. Animalia is a regular cash machine!

Bonus! My Dumb, Half-Assed Agropelter Story

Even the mightiest, most stalwart warriors of myth wouldn't be prepared to face the Agropelter. Children, females, men, and animals would not be spared a possibly grisly fate from this aggressive, log-whipping creature. In fact, I am among the few people who can speak to you from inside the Agropelter territory, which happens to be throughout the entire run of the United States. How do I know about them? Well, I can communicate with them, actually.

That's right! No, they do not usually speak fluent English, but they can communicate using some English words, with varying degrees of success (maybe there's an Agropelter William Shakespeare out there, but I haven't met yet) I happen to be one of 12 Agropelter-human hybrids, created during a fateful and distressing excursion into a darkened forest. My female human parent is quite unknown to me after early childhood, but I imagine she regretted the occasion that spawned me.

While the vast majority of people didn't know I was part Agropelter (until this bombshell confession), it is said that my mother knew it and that I just barely passed for human. My adoptive parents were sworn to secrecy on this matter, only telling me and their Priest once during confession. Regarding my mother, they've only said she bore a striking resemblance to Leonardo da Vinci's "Mona Lisa," which may be what prevents me from looking 100% like the Agropelter.

Anyway, as a neat consequence of my interspecies DNA, I actually have an innate sense of where fellow Agropelters reside, and I meet with an isolated group of Agropelters at least twice per year. This is always at a different place in the forests of these beautiful United States. In some cases, at least one of the creatures present could speak in broken English. Others drew pictures, indicating some artistic intelligence and merit.

The communicative-types usually relate their fun times of savagely whipping logs, branches, and splintered tree segments at human lumberjacks, as well as their outright decapitations. Thankfully, they always assure me — in so many barely discernable words — that I am of them, so they shall continue to spare me of their habitual menace.

Some of you will surely wonder: "Okay, but what does an Agropelter look like?" The truth is, this can vary wildly. I have seen some at least 30 feet tall and weighing several tons, but most are no taller than a camel. I do know they have a unique social structure and even a language of their own. Though I have never learned their language myself, the English-speaking Agropelters pointed to a strange sign outside of a cave. It read: "Whoever enters this Temple will see the Most Great Throne."

If, in your mind's eye, I haven't yet painted a far too vivid picture of the Agropelter's face, let me do so now. Do not trust any depictions of the Agropelter you have seen in popular culture. In truth, much of the Agropelter's appearance relates to its own unique experiences, which link up to its individualized personal characteristics and habits. Though always simian, you can find an Agropelter looking bizarrely like a Siberian Tiger, or any number of creatures, due to their unique genetic and environmental conditioning. In fact, their variances are so profound that no Agropelter could be easily confused for another.

What about the Agropelter temperament? While their moods are remarkably violent against humans, at least most often, one can be relatively calm to another, purring like a well-developed feline. Also, much like with their bizarrely long, whip-like arms, the Agropelter tends to have a relatively long tail which is prehensile. This allows them to more easily scale trees, and these tails are also used to throw things at pesky humans. It has a wide, powerful maw, which it uses to eat tree bark (its primary food).

Another question you surely have: Are Agropelters really so unrelentingly aggressive to humans? The answer is, "Yeah, pretty much." One told me that they often use human spines as toothpicks or combs. They're also known to juggle human eyeballs for sport. Another account claims a human prisoner was killed and his body was taken to Agropelters, held prisoner for a month, then killed and grilled, which was one of the few times a human was able to get close to them without being a hybrid.

Finally, I should of course discuss my fellow human-Agropelter hybrids. Yes, we are out there. It's said we're even growing in number, though I'm not quite sure how true it is. I do see we're getting a little more organized within the Agropelter community as a whole. One of our prominent members, Matthaeus, and his fellow non-hybrid Agropelters formed their headquarters in a high-sided walled structure they call "Agrocropolis."

If they were ever spotted by regular humans, they would surely be shot, or at least captured and studied (tortured)? A recent decision by the Court of Justice condemned Agropelters to death and fined anyone harboring them 150 million dollars. The dispute between Agropelters and Settlers is definitely ongoing, and I am one of the few who can tell this story in plain English.

For more actual reading on the Agropelter myth:

1. “Fearsome Creatures of the Lumberwoods: With a Few Desert and Mountain Beasts.”

2. “ F E A R S O M E C R E A T U R E S O F T H E L U M B E R W O O D S ”