Chivalry Ain't Dead, Mostly

“There was only one rule: ‘Don’t open the door.’ But what’d you go an’ do?!”

Edgar was busy shoving rounds of buckshot into his cart, complaining all the while.

“Well, how couldn’t I?” I asked, breaking a display case to get the shotguns, “I’m not one to disappoint a lady.”

I could feel Edgar’s glare,

“A lady?” He said, “You call THAT a lady?!”

“Well,” I asked, indignant “wha’ld you call her?”

“Ah, gee Jude, I don’t know; how ‘bout a hag, a demon, a vicious witch, a blood thirsty flesh-eatin’ apocalyptic hell-spawn who’ll bring all her friends and relations to the mortal plane!”

“…Well, she sounded much sweeter behind that awful door.”

“Lord, a’mighty,” he muttered, “if we live through this, Lord willing and Christ protect us, I’ma wollup you fifty-shades south of Sunday. ‘til then, though,” he held out a hand, “Be a dear and toss me a tenor- I see a soprano idlin’ up the chorus he needs to meet.”

“Ah,” I said, “Y’think Winston or Remmy’s a better suitor?”

“Jude, in her condition she don’t care if it’s Leadbelly dressed in duct tape and bailin’ wire; just hand me a shooter so I can greet this new friend ‘ours.”

I tossed him the Remington, and in one swift motion he caught and loaded it, then blasted the head off the poor little zombie gal.

He bounced the shotgun in his hands, “Not a bad salutation.”

“Beggin’ your pardon, ma’am,” I said, raising my hat to the now headless corpse.

Edgar turned his eyes to heaven, “Lord, forgive this Yay-hoo. You got your shoppin’ done, Jude?”

“Yessir,” I said, patting my new arsenal.

He placed Remmy on his cart, and fixed his hat.

“Then let’s get goin’ and shut the door on this new ex of yours.”

***

Inspired by Blake Booth’s “Deliver Us”. Be sure to read his story at: https://vocal.media/horror/deliver-us-w1p2a0yqt#comment-0ef0e1d5-97c1-4441-922f-51d244dec0aa