A Date To Die For

Part One – The redeeming qualities of Donald the snake

“Hard pass,” said Penny with a short laugh as she flipped to the next profile. She was new to this online dating thing, and so far, she had found more to laugh about than any serious contenders for a date. Why had she listened to that snake Donny? “What an ass,” she whispered as she flipped to yet another profile. She felt a moment of slight sadness, but it soon passed. Donny was her most recent handler and very capable after years of experience. She knew how to handle the ones like Donny, he could be dangerous if you let him. But no one would ever catch Donny trying to check out Penny as she walked away, she made sure of that. Penny knew the man wanted her, and if she was honest, he was handsome. These were not redeeming qualities in the man and his behavior could be quite abrasive at times. After two years, Penny had learned only a handful facts about the man; He liked his coffee black, he heartily enjoyed technology, even if he did not always understand it, and he only dated women half his age and often younger. Donny liked to talk but he never really had anything to say. Penny guessed that is what made him so good at his job. He could feed you bullshit all night long and not give you one piece of useful information. He did not learn this skill; he was a natural.

“You see Pen, I only date woman half my age or younger, and see here, you can set a range for age, it’s great. I mean, look at the tits on this one!” Donny was practically jumping out of his socks. “This is the only way for people like us to date, truly revolutionary. Technology, it’s always advancing, continuously making our personal lives and our professional lives a hell of a lot easier. Am I right, Pen?”

“Oh yes,” she replied absently, wishing there were an H.R. department. Were they paying him to say these things? He sounded like a damn salesman, pitching the newest and coolest way to waste time while getting yourself off. They had been waiting in Penny’s car for the last two hours, hoping to get a good look at her next job and Donny had been talking the entire time while Penny played Tetris and browsed Instagram. Next time she would have Donny get her some photos and video; he gets off on this shit anyway. To hell with this stakeout nonsense.

“Anyway,” said Donny, in a tone that suggested he knew she was not listening. Despite this, he went on, louder, “you should sign up, no need to hide that big dirty little secret we all worry about.”

Penny laughed, “like you have been with anyone long enough to tell them anything more than what you like for breakfast.”

Part Two – The argument for a boring Friday night

Two days later, Penny was in her happy place, at home and intending to have her normal, boring Friday night. Dinner, probably pasta, and a glass of wine with a movie. She would fall asleep during the movie, as was usual after a glass of wine on the couch. After a couple of hours, she would get up and stumble to bed without brushing her teeth. And that was okay, who was she trying to impress? But something happened that disrupted Penny’s normal, boring night. As the water was boiling and Penny was about to stir in the pasta, her phone rang.

“Dammit,” she said as she put down the box of pasta and turned off the burner. She got to the phone and answered it with more scorn than she intended. “What is it?”

“Is this Penny Hecca?”

“Yes”

“Codename and passcode?”

“Moonrise 796242. What is this about?”

“Donald Stanswick, codename Snake, he’s dead. Killed earlier tonight. Standby. You will receive instructions within the week. Confirm.”

“Moonrise confirmed.”

Penny put down her phone and stood silently for a moment, breathing deeply and slowly, her heart felt like it might explode from her chest. Donny was dead, no big lose there. The man was a misogynist, he was manipulative, and he was, in general, an asshole. She poured herself a glass of wine. Something had changed inside her; she had intended this night to be much different, but she found herself filled with growing excitement brought on by the news of Donny’s untimely demise. Two glasses of wine and half a pizza later, she found herself in front of her computer making a profile for the dating site Donny had shown her. “Soul Shooter” said Penny as she hesitated over the button that would make her profile public. “Guaranteed a shot to the heart, every time” she read aloud with a short laugh. Penny clicked

.

Part Three – I think I can handle myself, thanks

It did not take long for interested suitors to fill Penny’s inbox with messages. Over the next week, Penny received messages filled with everything ranging from sweet offers of dinner and a movie (boring), to bold offers of amazing coitus (gross). Penny was musing about how all men were really the same when a new message appeared. This one was different. He opened with a witty pun; Penny was a bit of a dork, so this was a good start. He followed by explaining how he had been on the site for some time but had not made the leap and messaged someone until now. This was flattering, another weakness of Penny’s.

“So, sue me” she muttered and decided to take the leap herself and reply. They made a date for the following weekend, dinner and a yet to be named adventure. Penny felt immensely satisfied with her choice and this yet to be named adventure added to the excitement. Penny got up and went to her room, she opened her nightstand and grabbed her vibrator, “speaking of satisfaction.”

The next week could not have gone by any slower. Her long awaited instructions were not really instructions. Simply put, they could have told her nothing and she would be doing the exact same thing. “Hold in place and go about things normally, await further instructions.” This made her slightly nervous, but what could she do? Penny had not dared to ask for any information about Donny; she did not really need to. She had a source who would know, and she was coming over before her date on Friday. Yes, she would get some answers from Victoria.

Friday arrived and Penny was almost ready for her date when her doorbell rang. “She’s late,” Penny muttered as she left her bedroom and walked down the hall to her door. Victoria walked in and started talking as soon as soon as Penny opened the door.

“Unbelievable, absolutely crazy,” she was practically yelling as she burst into the living room. She stopped, turned on her heel and said in a sly voice, “a killer who is a killer.”

Penny had known Victoria for most of her career, they had met on a job that needed a team of two. Victoria was, what they liked to call in the industry, a familiar. When a job was more complicated than the usual sort and could not be completed alone, a second person was brought in. Penny most often worked alone, with her especially useful tools and information. However, on the occasion she needed help, Victoria was brought on board to assist. Because of the necessity for disconnection in their business, it was stressed not to become too familiar with your familiar. Penny and Victoria ignored this rule. They were best friends from the moment they met. When management found out, they both thought they were dead. But life can be funny, and instead of being punished, Victoria was assigned to what Penny thought of as the inner sanctum. Assistant duties mostly, but it made Victoria privy to all kinds of interesting goings on. Penny found herself with better assignments and increased pay, and that is how things had been going along for the past few years. Now here she was, Victoria, with a sly grin on her face, bursting with those same interesting goings on.

“Is that supposed to be some kind of riddle?” Penny replied with amusement.

“Donny, he was a killer, Penny,” said Victoria, exasperated.

“You are acting like this is new information to me,” said Penny. “Of course, he was a killer, a rather good one from what I have heard. But he had been promoted before I was even recruited so I can’t say I have seen his work.”

Victoria shook her head “No, no that’s not what I meant. He was a serial killer, darling. And a rather good one from what I have heard.” She looked more serious now. “He was a fucking psychopath. The police are saying he was a serial killer that they had been trying to catch for, like, twenty years!”

Penny was genuinely shocked at this revelation. She had that man over to dinner once to talk about a job. Penny shivered.

“How did they figure this out?” said Penny. That was all she could say as she sat down heavily on her couch.

Victoria sat down next to Penny, all too pleased to elaborate. “Well, from what I have heard, our people confirmed there is no link between Donny and the firm, but Donny had a lot of stuff on his computer that implicates him in dozens of murders. And that’s not all, apparently, he kept souvenirs, that’s not a surprise. A guy like Donny? He man loved trophies.”

Penny was listening in rapt silence, completely forgetting about her date. If she left now, she would only be five minutes late in arriving. She asked, “so how in the hell did he do it? Who are these people?”

“Mostly women,” replied Victoria, “that’s why I’m glad I caught you. They are saying he met most of them online, you know, in chat rooms and online dating sites.” She paused and Penny could tell that she did not want to continue, Penny finished for her.

“And you don’t want me to go on my date tonight? I appreciate your concern but we both know you tend to overreact to stuff like this.” Penny smiled and took Victoria’s hand in hers.

“I’m a big girl and can take of myself.”

“But I haven’t told you the circumstances of Donny’s death,” said Victoria, looking grave and slightly triumphant, like Penny could not have any argument with her logic after hearing what she had to say next. “Donny had been on a date, he took her back to his place and what happens next we don’t know for sure, except, Donny is dead. Shot twice in the gut and a slit throat to boot. The police don’t have much to go on. There was definitely two people, definitely a struggle, and Donny was definitely the loser in the end.”

“Well, it definitely seems like the police have a tough nut to crack with that one,” said Penny, not wanting to linger on the fact that the formidable Donny the Snake was killed by a woman. “But I’m more interested in how the fuck Donny got away with murdering innocent women for twenty damn years?!” This was said with some heat and Penny calmed herself before finishing. “How did we miss this, I mean, you know, the firm? These people are supposed to know.”

“Well, you’re right of course, we missed this one. But now that we know, the information is piling up. The firm certainly wants this thing hushed up, so they went to work.” Victoria was smiling again; she loved this part. “Donny knew more about technology than he let on, he always used different names, disguises, the works. He could have been so much more if he hadn’t been insane.” Victoria sighed and went on, “he was sloppy in the beginning, but with age comes wisdom and as the years progressed on, Donny got more sophisticated and more elusive.”

Penny was silent for a moment, chewing on the words she just heard. “But in the end, he got what was coming to him I guess,” she said as she got up from the couch. “Listen, I’m so late for this date, please don’t worry. I know how to take care of myself, you know this. I’ll call you when I get home, I promise.” Victoria left only after Penny agreed to text her every fifteen minutes, date be damned.

Part Four – I’ve never killed on a first date before

Penny arrived at the restaurant twenty-five minutes late, it was a very discreet location for a restaurant, “almost too discreet,” thought Penny as she finally located the entrance using the directions given to her by her date. This was a place only the locals knew about. One could not simply walk down the street and decide that this place looked interesting. You had to walk down a set of concrete stairs built into the sidewalk next to a nondescript brick building, and at the bottom was a neon sign that read “Eleanor’s”. Her first thought as she walked through the door was, “I hope he didn’t leave” and her second thought was, “I hope he looks like his picture.”

The place was small but quite inviting. The bar took up the left side of the room, starting at the door and ending at an opening at the opposite side that led into the kitchen, which looked to be the size of Penny’s kitchen in her first apartment. Exceedingly tiny. Booths lined the right side of the room, and, located in what was clearly the best seat in the house, a raised corner booth in the back right corner, was her date. Penny was pleased, he did indeed look like his picture. He was six feet tall, with well-kept short facial hair. His hair was a blondish red, short and slightly messy, and his eyes were a vibrant bright green.

As Penny approached the booth, the man stood up. “Penny?” He asked with a boyish and slightly embarrassed grin. “Of course, you are, sorry. Nerves I guess.” He certainly did have a boyish quality about him, yet Penny could see gray in his stubble.

“Steve, right?” said Penny, holding out her hand.

At this remark, the man looked crestfallen, and his slight embarrassment turned into utter mortification. The look on his face was just too sad and Penny quickly set this sweet man at ease. “I’m kidding” she said, smiling wide and giving him a kiss on his cheek. “You are Arthur and I just couldn’t help myself.”

“I guess I set myself up for that one.” said Arthur, now looking extremely pleased.

They sat down and ordered wine, the house merlot, and it was the best Penny had ever tasted. Over the next hour and a bottle of the merlot, they covered the usual first date stuff, hometowns, favorite colors, just the usual. Of course, there was one subject that had not been broached yet, and Penny was not about to be the one to do so. She wondered if Arthur was waiting for her to bring it up, and why was it such a big deal for them to just get it over with. She decided instead to ask about something she was genuinely curious about. And, as if to give her the perfect opportunity, their food arrived. Penny was pleasantly surprised.

“So how did you find out about this place?”

Oh, well, I was working,” said Arthur, with some hesitation in his voice.

And there it was, work. Penny decided now that if the topic was going to come up organically, then she might as well roll with it.

“So, you had a job in the area?” Penny asked, leaning forward, now extremely invested in the conversation.

“Yes and no,” he replied, “I thought I had a job in the area, but he never showed up.”

“Ouch, stood up huh?”

“Something like that,” Arthur said with a grin. “I wasn’t actually sure if he’d show, but it was the best lead I had to go on. I ate dinner here for a week after I figured out what was down those stairs. And then I continued to eat here for another week after I assumed the guy lit out to a land far away, it’s that good. Who knew that waiting around to kill a guy would lead to the best restaurant I have ever had the pleasure of dining at?”

“Well, I am certainly impressed,” said Penny. “I don’t usually go out much and I was worried that this was a mistake. This has turned out to be a surprisingly…” Penny stopped, confused and annoyed; Arthur was no longer listening to her. In fact, he was not even looking at her. He was looking out of one of the two small windows in the place, which offered a spectacular view of the feet of people passing by the building. Under any circumstances this seemed to Penny as somewhat rude, but considering they were on a date, a date that seemed to be going damn well in Penny’s opinion, this seemed to go beyond simply rude. This was as close to a slap in the face as one could get without literally getting slapped in the face. Her annoyance grew into something far worse as she watched Arthur stand up and run out of the door and up the stairs.

For a few seconds Penny was struck dumb like a deer in headlights before finally coming to life. “What the fuck?!” Penny exclaimed as she stood up, knocking her chair to the floor. She rushed out the door after Arthur. At the top of the stairs, she stopped and looked around. What the hell was going on? Arthur could not have turned the corner before she reached street level, which means he was still close. Penny stood perfectly still, slowed her breathing, and listened to the night. She heard the city traffic and tuned it out. She heard two cats fighting and tuned them out. Then she heard something different but not unknown to her. This was a sound Penny knew well. Someone, somewhere close, was dying. Or, to put it another way, someone, somewhere close, was killing someone.

Penny walked swiftly in the direction in which the sound of the unfortunate someone’s last few moments on this earth were coming from. It was an alley and as Penny peered her head around the corner, she saw a most shocking sight. Penny would think back, much later, about first dates and how some of the best first date stories may never be known. Her first date with Arthur is one of the most memorable moments of her life, one she would never forget and never get to share with her friends or family. Except for Victoria, who loved the story until the day she died. But on that night, as Penny was watching her date strangle someone in a dank alleyway, she was furious, she was on fire, she was the goddamn wrath of all women. If someone would have asked her in that moment how she felt about Arthur, Penny would have just killed everyone in sight, and as she rounded the corner, she was sorely tempted to do just that.

“What the hell do you think you are doing?” Penny demanded as she advanced menacingly towards the pair half-way down the alley. “I can’t believe I did this to myself,” she intoned. She had to get ahold of herself, why was she so emotional about this?

“Listen this isn’t what…” Arthur was trying to speak but Penny cut him off.

“I don’t think so” she declared. “Do you really think I would fall for that old line? I’ll just add that to the list. Thinks I’m stupid.” Penny was now walking back towards the street, loudly muttering all the wrongs Arthur had done to her in the last ten minutes. He called after her and she stopped. He seemed to be having trouble dispatching the other man. She had surprised him, he must have loosened his hold for a moment because the other man, who was slightly larger than Arthur, was able to get a hand in between his throat and the improvised garrot wire in Arthurs hands.

“Listen, Penny, please, if you just let me explain” said Arthur with a series of pauses and heavy grunts.

“I’m listening.” Penny replied coldly.

“Okay, just give me a moment,” said Arthur, as he continued to struggle against the unwavering desperation of his opponent.

Penny could not stand this anymore, and at this rate someone was bound to walk by and notice what was happening. “Oh, for fucks sake” she said as she walked back towards the two combatants. And with a swift swipe of her arm, Arthur’s garrote parted, as did the man’s neck around which it was bound.

There is not much more to say. Arthur explained that this had been the man who he had been waiting for all those days, so when he saw the man’s custom shoes and realized who it was, well, Penny could not blame him. Sometimes you must take the opportunities when they come. And Penny still counted the night as a very good adventure. Penny often looked back upon that night with fondness and was still surprised at the fact that this was how she met her husband. A dating website for assassins. And on their first date they kill someone? Classic. Arthur may be a professional assassin, but he was a kind and gentle soul. He certainly was not like Donny. No. When Penny found out that Donny was responsible for the rapes and deaths of three young woman in the city, the last three of what Penny had learned was a long career, she knew she had to kill him. It was not hard. Men like Donny are easily predictable and when Penny had called, asking if she could come over, Donny did not disappoint. She walked in without knocking, as Donny has asked. He was waiting for her on the couch, his dick out and quite vulnerable. She wanted to rip it off and shove it down his throat. She settled for the satisfaction of seeing the look on his face as she pulled out the knife, the same knife she used on her date with Arthur one week later. She cut Donny’s throat before shooting him twice just for the satisfaction. Another story to be hidden away inside of herself. But this was a story just for her. The rest was known, a serial killer dead and the murder unsolved. People would accept that. People could move on from that. Penny retired shortly after marrying Arthur, she was pregnant. Surprising herself yet again, she was over the moon at the news. And occasionally, as the kids grew older, once or twice a year Penny would accompany Arthur on a special business trip out of town. They would visit their favorite restaurant and order their favorite merlot. And from there, they would see where the night might take them.

End