Why I Hated 'Avengers: Infinity War'

I stand in a ridiculously steamy shower typing on my phone because apparently, this is so much more important than smelling okay.

Infinity War is now available on DVD, and now that the dust has settled I can make that subtle yet insensitive joke.

People have claimed Infinity War to be the greatest superhero movie in the Milky Way galaxy, and many call it a top ten movie of all time. Quote me on that, I double dog dare you, do it.

I'm not here to pick it apart, because if I stop being a melodramatic nincompoop I can admit that, yes, technically speaking, it is a masterfully crafted piece of cinema. I love how pretentious it sounds to say cinema. Look at me sounding like I went to college.

The last twenty minutes ruined the entire movie and gave a boiling rage I shouldn't have discovered I was capable of. Its not really that bad, I'm just a melodramatic nincompoop.

Those about to click away, it's for the clumsy and lazy way it was written, not because the major spoiler wrecked any emotional havoc on me.

If you haven't seen Infinity War yet, congrats, you have no soul or culture and deserve to have it spoiled. CAPTAIN AMERICA WAS IN THE MOVIE.

Don't worry I'm a lot of things, but I'll never be confident enough to risk anybody not liking me, so here's a friendly spoiler warning.

Let's set the scene. I'm a prick so I go to the theater dressed like Superboy to anger people and proclaim my pride for a failing cinematic universe that can't even keep actor continuity straight. I mean... man... Leto and Affleck weren't like revolutionary... but they're kinda two of your biggest characters.

And before you eviscerate me (that's a fun word), I know the whole Affleck drama is more rumor mill than fact, but like let me have content to talk about. And for the love of Buddha, don't get me started on Titans.

The first 3/4 of the movie COMPLETELY blew me away; it fixed so many previous problems. You finally had not just a good villain but the best-written villain in any superhero movie that also didn't have to rely on some faceless disposable CGI army. You saw STAKES. People are dying and there is very real loss.

Then comes the fiasco at the end that undoes everything the movie built.

Here's the thing, the turning to dust bit COULD have worked if they did it correctly. But instead of focusing on the story, they focused on the shock factor.

The characters they chose to turn to dust tried way too hard to be unpredictable that they wrote themselves into a hole by killing off characters that can't stay dead. They only left actors whose contracts are almost up, have been through most of their character arc, don't have any upcoming movies announced (except Black Widow yay) or weren't really all that important, as harsh as it sounds.

And because of that, there's only one way the next movie can go. The Avengers defeat Thanos and use the time stone to bring everyone back to life, immediately reversing all stakes.

It also makes deaths earlier in the movie meaningless because there's no reason not to save everyone.

It would have worked so perfectly if they switched it. There would be so much more left up in the air. Throw maybe one or two surprises like Ant-Man, not the three hottest stars that serve as your next generation. Come on now, Marvel, really? Everyone knows how much you love money.

Don't kill me, I know Ant-Man has a pretty good following, but Doctor Strange made almost $50,000,000 more at the box office, and $100,000,000 more looking worldwide.

Let's also talk about the deaths. Extremely anti-climactic. I felt absolutely nothing except Spiderman, but even then that was improvised so it wasn't meant to originally be a thing. Like hmmmm....let's just have them evaporate, that'll look cool. I FELT NOTHING. Except for anger. Not because the characters I love were dead, because the entire movie was a waste of time that'll be reversed because of, yay, magic stones.

Maybe Marvel will pull some stroke of genius to make me look like a fool, but considering the route most Marvel movies have gone, I doubt it.

I just want STAKES. For the love of Buddha, Marvel, GIVE ME STAKES.