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Why Are You Ranking: Best Ways That Lindsay Lohan Is the Metaphor for America From Her Reckless to Her Most Beautiful Points

The troubled star reflects some facets of the United States.

By Skyler SaundersPublished 5 years ago 3 min read
The actress looks to bounce back from turmoil, just like America.

Once a darling of the cinema, actress Lindsay Lohan has experienced both the crests and the doldrums of her profession. Through bizarre run-ins with paparazzi to drug and alcohol abuse, to her romantic life being displayed on supermarket magazine covers, Miss Lohan still continues to work, although without as much fanfare or adulation. From her time as an adorable kid actor on the updated version of the The Parent Trap (1998) to the silly but profitable picture Freaky Friday (2003), Lohan was a Disney princess come to life. And of course, arguably her crowning achievement in her career, Mean Girls (2004) sent her into the film world stratosphere. But then, something happened. Or rather, nothing related to her film career happened. Sure, she came back home to Disney with Herbie: Fully Loaded (2005) but her other projects thereafter fizzled or didn’t live up to the critical or commercial expectations that her previous work had garnered. And this is the metaphor for the Decline of the American Empire. The most ethical (not to say that Miss Lohan has the highest moral standards), beautiful, young, and promising nation to ever grace the face of the planet earth has been on the downslope even before current President Trump swore the oath of office. As the descent of a starlet turned bad girl and now treated like a red-headed step child that you keep locked away in the basement, Lohan is America. For over a century, while the nation has experienced great technological strides, it has tumbled back by the axis powers of mysticism, collectivism, and altruism. It is not too late for either Miss Lohan or America. The one-time ingénue and the most moral country in human history have room enough for a comeback. Lindsay Lohan doesn’t seem headed for major collapse with her recent string of independent films and America doesn’t look like Rome during its period of downtrend. There’s hope. So, go look up the word fetch in the Urban Dictionary for Why Are You Ranking: Best Ways That Lindsay Lohan Is the Metaphor for America From Her Reckless to Her Beautiful Points.

Miss Lohan faces the law.

Through it all, she still maintains beauty.

3. Unlawful Activity

Over the course of her career, Miss Lohan has perpetrated criminal acts including an alleged punch against a woman in a nightclub. Overcrowding in jail has saved her on more than one occasion. From the cocaine to alcohol, Miss Lohan has landed herself deep in trouble on multiple fronts for driving while under the influence. As punishment for her wicked ways, she has had to visit morgues and speak with family members who’ve lost loved ones or who experienced trauma due to drunk drivers. Lohan seems to have learned her lesson and is leading a life free of intoxicants (for now). Like America’s insistence on crime and criminality, especially its crisis with opioids, Lohan ran afoul of the law, too. There's an opportunity for both the nation and the actress to break from these nefarious ways.

Rank: Reckless

She tries.

In a world where she lost her luster, Lindsay seeks to regain ground.

2. 'Scary Movie 5' (2013)

This isn’t much of a step up from her legal woes, but the film does need to be mentioned here. In the spirit of poking fun at oneself for all of one’s shortcomings instead of goodness, Miss Lohan sought to erase years of regret and regression with her appearance in this film. Though it is abysmal to watch, Miss Lohan always adds some kind of charm and decency to movies as whacky and deplorable as this. She must be given props to not laugh at herself, but at her situation. What this shows is the relation to America as having been able to recover from the Great Recession.

Rank: Improving

Her Most Memorable Role

Lohan shines here.

1. 'Mean Girls' (2004)

Yes, this celluloid mini-masterpiece shot Lohan from Disney teen idol to bonafide actress. From her innocent demeanor to her excellent comic timing, Lohan skyrocketed to being a household name. Like America is the “Shining City on the Hill,” this is a reminder that Lohan’s genuine talent and unquestionable physical attractiveness can overcome all of her shortcomings.

Rank: Beautiful


About the Creator

Skyler Saunders

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