When the World is Upside-Down, I Watch Yu-Gi-Oh!

Here’s a secret: When I was a kid, I didn’t have cable.

This meant in the late 99s/early 00’s, unless I wanted to play with the textured spackle on my ceiling, I had to watch…whatever was on basic channels.

Was that Hannah Montana? Pokemon? Digimon, even?

No. The only thing I had that was close was Yu-Gi-Oh!—a series that featured cards and monsters fighting one another, kind of like Pokemon. Only instead of a snarky Team Rocket, losers of duels got their…souls trapped in the Shadow Realm.

(For the die hards, no, I've never seen the Japanese original, and yes, this is about the English dub. I couldn't get entertainment that wasn't free free. I know the original is way darker.)

The show is ridiculous. Absurd. The references to ancient Egypt are highly problematic. There’s some…weird dialogue for a children’s show. The intro is SUPER intense.

And yet, during these *pick your adjective* times, I find myself reverting to this childhood show of mine for comfort and laughs. Immature? Most likely. Do I close my windows so my neighbors can’t hear and judge me? You bet I do. Am I too ashamed to let strangers on the internet know?

Of course not! So let me tell you about the show I love to hate!

Here’s a rundown of the show’s main characters:

1. Yugi Mutou, of course.

He’s a 10-year-old boy with wide round eyes, until he randomly screams his own name, thus invoking a spirit named “The Pharaoh.” His voice changes and he suddenly transforms into a grown man. This just kind of happens without question a lot. I think the idea is only we see this happening but when I was a kid, this was unclear, and I thought he was literally transforming into a grown man every episode.

2. Joey Wheeler.

Yugi’s best friend who has a really thick Brooklyn accent, even though his sister has not a trace of it. His accent is so thick that Netflix incorporates it into the subtitles. He was also Yugi’s bully or something at some point? But the important thing is they’re friends now.

3. Seto Kaiba.

He’s a rich adult man who is obsessed with a card game. He was adopted, along with his brother Mokuba, by a rich old man who made weapons for the army or something. Unclear. Seto took the company over from his dad and…trapped his Board of Directors in a computer? They eventually come back and try to possess everyone's bodies. Seto can often be seen jumping out of helicopters and blowing things up for no apparent reason. There’s like a weird computer music sound that starts playing every time he shows up. Computers. Seto. Technology.

4. Pegasus.

Pegasus invented the card game “Duel Monsters” that everyone in the show is obsessed with. Duel Monsters is supposed to be a game from ancient Egypt that Pegasus discovered and brought into the modern world. No, it has nothing to do with the actual history of Egypt.

5. Tristan, Tea, Trinity Wheeler, Mokuba Kaiba, Mai Valentine, Bakura.

Secondary characters who are also there to basically cheer Yugi and Joey on as they duel. They usually get kidnapped/possessed/trapped in the Shadow Realm in order to motivate other characters to win card games.

Is it making sense yet? It's about to make less sense.

Here’s the basic idea of the show:

“Duel Monsters” is a card game created by Pegasus. People have tournaments and win. The monsters are not real. They are digital holograms brought to life by dueling discs invented by KaibaCorp, Seto’s company. The dueling disks sit on your arm and hold your cards. They are an accessory that look kind of cool in the show but that do NOT look cool in real life.

But the twist is, the game was actually played in ancient Egypt, where Yugi was a pharaoh and Seto was some kind of sorcerer. And the Duel Monsters monsters are real...sort of??? Unclear. There’s also a collection of magical gold artifacts known an Millennium Items (an eye, a rod, a puzzle, a necklace, a...I forget, but they’re all things you can wear) and each one has a certain power/evil spirit that traps people in the Shadow Realm/good spirit that helps you win the Duel Monsters game.

As for the game itself, it’s a lot of monsters getting attacked as the duelists grunt and scream “No!” when obvious attacks happen. Usually Yugi is trying to teach his opponent about the powers of friendship during the duel. There’s usually back and forth between the older spirit of the Millennium Item and the person the item is possessing. Sometimes this is a struggle over control of the host body?

Some duels span over several episodes, and they’re all basically like this:

“Nothing will get in my way, Yugi!”

“I just need to have faith in the heart of the cards!”

“I attack with ThunderLightningMegaBlast!”

“Ughhhhh!”

“Wait, what’s this?!”

“You fell for my trap! SoulsOfTheUnbornRevealingLightWizard, activate!”

“Ughhh! It can’t be! Nooo!”

“Oh but it is. That’s what you get for not believing in the power of friendship.”

"I can't believe I lost to Yugi again!"

Why do I watch, you may ask? Well, when the world is spinning out of control, I like to point out the plot holes and flaws of a TV show that aired 20 years ago. Is it a little lame? For sure. But it’s also hilarious. I've cracked up many a time at poor translations, quasi-sexual sounds, and just the absurd lengths these people to go to win a card game, including: risking one's own life, being willing to be possessed by an evil spirit, kidnapping, blowing up a private island, unlawful imprisonment...the list goes on.

Some questions I have for the writers who obviously no longer care about my “old hot take” on a show that rode the Pokemon wave in the late 90s/early 00s:

1. Are Seto Kaiba and Joey Wheeler in some kind of romantic relationship? Because some of the dialogue between the two is…a little…well, I’ll let these screenshots do my talking for me.

2. How come when ancient Egyptian text is translated into modern American English, it rhymes?

3. Why does everyone have to dramatically move their arms to pick up a card? If I played cards like that, nobody would play with me. Is this because for most episodes, people are standing and doing nothing, and you had to jazz it up?

4. Why hasn’t Seto Kaiba sought help for his obvious obsession with a child’s game? I know the same can be said for my obsession with this show, and I’d thank you for not pointing that out.

5. Why is Seto Kaiba not in jail for like…a lot of things? And Pegasus for that matter? I’m pretty sure child abduction is a crime, no?

6. Why does everyone seem surprised at the trap cards? After the first time you play this game you should know about the whole secret trap card thing. It might be disappointing, but enough to make you grunt and fall to your knees?

7. What exactly are the rules for the Millennium Items and the Shadow Realm because I can’t really decipher it. Are Yugi and Seto descendants of these Egyptian rulers? Why Egypt? Are the monsters real or not? Just...so...many...holes...

8. If you could get hurt and lose your soul, why do people keep playing? Why don't they play...regular cards?

9. When is the next season coming out?

In Conclusion:

What I’m trying to say is: If you’re looking for something retro and ridiculous with more over-the-top grunting than a professional tennis match, look no further than Yu-Gi-Oh!