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Totally Fake Untrue History... ...That I Made Up Myself!

"A lie can get halfway around the world before the truth has got its pants on!" - WARNING! - VERY BAD PUNS AHEAD!

Totally Fake Untrue History...
...That I Made Up Myself!
- WARNING! - VERY BAD PUNS AHEAD!

.

Totally Fake Untrue History...

...That I Made Up Myself!

.

- WARNING! - VERY BAD PUNS AHEAD!

.

"A lie can get halfway around the world before the truth has got its pants on!"

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Have you ever wondered how hard it could be to create totally believable fake news or fake history?

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The answer,

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Very easy!

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Here are my own examples,

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REMEMBER, None of the following is in any way true!

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A little known fact about 17th Century Pirates.

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17th-century pirates often practised cannibalism!

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Even if a ship was fully stocked with supplies!

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But then, all armed ships of the time also did this practice!

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After all!

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What else were they going to shoot out of their cannons! ?

.

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Remember!

This is NOT real!

Or in any way True,

It ALL fake history!

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A little known fact about UK regicide

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Did you know that the Execution of Lady Anne Grey and King Charles the first cost the nation exactly the same amount!

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Each execution cost the nation a Crown.

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But not to worry because there was a small rebate.

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Almost instantly we got two half Sovereigns back!

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Remember!

This is NOT real!

Or in any way True,

It ALL fake history!

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A little known fact about the recycling science the world lost in turn of the century China.

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Our species used to know the scientific method of efficiently extracting metal from human corpses.

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Unfortunately, the secret of this process was lost in the Chinese Revolution.

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The last time this was successfully done was in a small Principality in an old monastery whose name in English means "When Doves Cry"

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His local eighty-year rule was known as the period of the,

"Purple Reign"

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Although the areas leaders name has been long lost, as a mark of respect and honour the process was done to his corpse.

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All the Iron and Copper was extracted from his body and a very small metal disc formed.

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This metal disc was placed in a very small frame made from the leader's corpse's ear bones.

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Before prayers, the local monastery would sit in silence and tap the disc to make a lovely ringing sound in remembrance of their beloved past leader.

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This Princely Leader, whose name has been lost to history, became a "cymbal" for his people!

.

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Remember!

This is NOT real!

Or in any way True,

It ALL fake history!

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Genetically altered cyber pigs experimented with by famous German car manufacturer in the 1980s

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With looming petrol cost and an eye towards what dwindling natural resource would mean to the private transportation market.

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One main visionary car manufacture in the 1980s, Audi, took to looking to new technologies and methods or proving a more Eco-friendly system of private transport production.

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One avenue or such research was the genetic modification of specially bred pigs.

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These super pigs were meant to be ridden as an alternative to petrol-driven car use, to be publicly released onto the market for 2020.

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Because they were animals, they would only need to be fed instead of needing the sort of fuel derived from crude oil.

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They were said to be much larger, faster and smarter than any horse!

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However, the amount these super pigs could carry, their overall speed and the maximum distance they could cover were still far too limited!

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So cybernetic implant experiments were made to enhance each of the super pigs four legs with powerful magnetic driven mega springs!

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Obviously, these experiments never succeeded and the research (largely due to the huge amount of animal cruelty involved) were eventually closed for good by the mid-1990s and the files and research buried!

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However, if you research deep into the vaults of the Berlin pattern office you can still find the original legal intellectual property protection filed by Audi!

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Just search for relevant files pertaining to the,

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"Four Sprung Pork Technique"

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(Disclaimer so Audi does not feel the need to sue! I should not have to say this, it should be obvious common sense! But just in case, I will make this abundantly clear! None of the above is in any way, shape or form is true! Audi has never been this cruel to pigs or any other animal. It is only a stupid story created to make an even stupider pun! Do not be an idiot! IT IS ONLY A SPOOF!)

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Remember!

This is NOT real!

Or in any way True,

It ALL fake history!

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Why did the Ancient Roman Empire

REALLY Fall??

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Is it not Obvious!

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Have you not seen at least one,

Of every horror and fantasy film ever made?

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They constantly spoke Latin as their everyday language!

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Speaking Latin WAS the reason!

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You try running a society were even casually asking your mum if she wants you to pop down the shops for anything, makes magic hell demon rising crap happen!

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The Roman empire fell largely due to bankruptcy!

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Because of the constant civic and private repair cost of fixing damage to property and life every time a few people got together for drinks and gossip!

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Even at funerals, they had to pay someone to stand by with an axe in case someone casually asking the time makes the dead person sit up with glowing red eyes!

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Why did Nero play the fiddle as Rome burned?

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Well for a starter it was probably burning in the first place because someone dared to make a Birthday or a Wedding Speech!

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What the hell was Nero supposed to do?

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Shout for help?

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Or give leadership directions to solve and handle the tragedy?

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To his city guard in Classical Latin?!

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Are you serious?!

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By that point, he might have been the one person to be smart enough to keep his mouth shut in case it made things far worse!

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Why did the “Barbarians” keep sacking Rome?

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Because they wanted to stop the stupid buggers trying to constantly end the world all the time by absent-minded reading out their laundry list out loud!

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Classical Latin is called a ‘Dead Language’ because every time you say the wrong thing some stupid Damned Dead thing pops its head up to say hello!

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Classical Latin is the stupidest language ever created, for that very reason!

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And Do Not Even get me started on the bloody traditional Welsh Language and the Fucking Dark Fae it keeps accidentally sticking the world with!

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All the global warming is really caused by the toxic gasses from the accidentally summoned Leprechaun's Farts!

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Remember!

This is NOT real!

Or in any way True,

It ALL fake history!

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Welsh nationals in the second world war!

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Despite some amazing bravery and heroics achieved by both Welsh nationals and those descended from Welsh nationals,

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SOE (the spiritual ancestor of today's MI6) had a blanket security ban on recruiting or using any field or home assets that had either been born in Wales or had been descended from Welsh heritage from within the last 3 generations.

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No security asset was allowed any romantic involvement with any person who was born in Wales or descended from Welsh heritage from within the last 3 generations.

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Even those who had even been within 10 miles of the Welsh border subject of an intense unjust investigation!

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Such a horrendous racist, level one directive, by the SOE was practised because apparently.....

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...They were worried about security Leeks.

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Remember!

This is NOT real!

Or in any way True,

It ALL fake history!

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FOR OCTOBER

6 PUMPKIN SPICE FAKE FACTS

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1)

It is Pumpkin Spice,

Because it is the main flavouring enhancer used for the classic USA dessert dish, Pumpkin Pie.

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2)

Pumpkin Spice is not one single spice but actually a blend.

Common mixtures usually include cinnamon, nutmeg, ginger, cloves, and sometimes allspice.

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3)

Pumpkin Spice since the early ’90s has sometimes been known to be called “The 6th Spice” or “Ugly Hairy Spice”

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4)

Pumpkin Spice can cause you to have Constipation!

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5)

It was because of fact 3 above, that Pumpkin Spice was forced from the group in late 1996

before the first album came out!

Even the most die-hard fans of the group still think that there were only ever only 5 members!

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4)

In “Wannabe” the actual lyric “zigazig ah” is a direct reference to Pumpkin Spice and the discomfort she caused people when she gave them constipation.

It is a reference to the noises of pain coming from one of the other band members while in a toilet cubicle during the first recording session of the debut single!

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5)

Reluctant to let go of her dream of fame.

Pumpkin Spice did try for a Solo career.

An opportunity for a Solo Career finally happened shortly after Disney purchased the Star Wars franchise.

She finally quit trying to be famous,

when the part of Solo was given to the young male actor Aden Ehrenreich instead of her.

She then briefly thought she might be offered the role of Chewbacca,

But Director Ron Howard stepped in and gave the part to Joonas Suotamo

When Pumpkin Spice asked him why he had done that,

Mr Howard explained that had wanted to use an actor that would actually need a costume to look like Chewbacca,

And in addition to that

He did not want to waste valuable production time with cast members being off sick with constipation!

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6)

Tragically Pumpkin Spice was accidentally shot while on holiday camping in the USA

Some tourist hunter had mistaken her for Big Foot.

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Remember!

This is NOT real!

Or in any way True,

It ALL fake history!

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Main Reason Why Ancient Egypt Fell!

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A)

Drinking Far Too Much Alcohol!

B)

Wearing Ridiculously High Heels!

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And Finally,

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C)

A Mix of Strong Winds and Damp Icy Pavement!

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Oops Sorry, That wasn’t Ancient Egypt. That was Why my Wife Fell Last Christmas!

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Don't you Just Hate it when you get those two mixed up!

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Remember!

This is NOT real!

Or in any way True,

It ALL fake history!

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Extract from an old forbidden text...

VATICAN MUNI OF DARKNESS ARCHIVE - REF: WoD 137-42

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And doth boldly I pushed my projected astral spirit to that accursed place upon the constant soul storm only known and marked with a sickening yellow 'M',

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To commune with the ancient being of that first slain in murder that dwells there.

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Through the ravaging wind I cried out to it,

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Keeping my sense’s and form of self though only purest act of strongest will,

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“Spirit”, -I cried,”

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“Oh! Ye ancient one,”

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“First to make the clay cry out in horror of its first bloody stain!”

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“I have risked much to speak with you”

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“Will you hear me!”

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Through the howl of those ripped, tattered former ghost the voice hissed back…

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“Welcome!”

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“Welcome to the Maelstrom…”

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“Can I take your order…!”

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“Tell me of he who is forever marked and curse by God”

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“Tell me of your brother most foul,”

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“Tell me…”

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The first shadow replied.

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“Do you want lies with that?”

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“Yes, I screamed,”

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“Oh yes!”

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The shadow came back again,

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Most cryptically.

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“For an extra fifty of your earth sense..”

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“You can supersize your order!”

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“Yes,” I cried again,

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“Fill me with your most dark poisonous meat and fries and enlarge my request to its maximum yield,”

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He gave me what I asked and I paid the low price for such…

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It hissed with a black hapless smile,

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“Thank you…”

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“Thank you for coming to Maelstrom Burger,”

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“Have a nice way..”

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I consumed what he offered and yet felt unsatisfied.

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For such things always look so much better in the illustration of them than they do in person.

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And I then dimply realised.

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I should have gone to the King of Burgers instead of this Yellow dwelling of “M” for sustenance.

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For no true knowledge of Cain lived here…

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Remember!

This is NOT real!

Or in any way True,

It ALL fake history!

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( I Should NOT have to say that ALL the above is a spoof,)

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But then again we do live in a world that thinks “Pink Salt” Being sold as GMO-free an acceptable level of intelligence,

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So before you write to your local politician trying to get Classical Latin and Traditional Welsh banned from your local School syllabus,

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I hereby,

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Just in case,

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I REPEAT!

I Feel compelled to point out that ALL the above is a SPOOF!

AND IS NOT REAL!

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comedy
Ross E Fortune Lombardi
Ross E Fortune Lombardi
Read next: Best Customizable Games
Ross E Fortune Lombardi

Writer. Gamer, Goth

A (Constantly Failing To Be Funny) satirist!

[email protected]

Mutare non est meum

Cantus moriar

BLOG:

http://lombot.co.uk

See all posts by Ross E Fortune Lombardi