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'To The Bone'

Movie Review

By Russell BrummerPublished 6 years ago 3 min read
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I watch movies to feel for people that I know I'll never really understand.

I just watched To The Bone on Netflix. It made me cry.

My mom used to joke about wanting to be anorexic but just loving food too much. I kind of understood where she was coming from. I wish I could be a gym rat but I just hate pain too much. I hate lifting weights. I hate that I don't fit the stereotype for my gender. I hate that other guys can work out for two weeks and look great. I can work out for two months and hardly even see results.

Most of my life, I've hated myself for being too skinny. Sometimes I wonder if I should just do steroids, but I know that's not really what I want. I want to be comfortable in my own skin and love myself for who I am. I also really wish I could just gain 20 pounds. It's hard to want two things at once.

I don't just hate myself for being too skinny. I hate myself for being lazy and selfish. I could be selfless and hard-working. I'm just seriously fucked up. I hate the pain that comes with work. I have trust issues, and would rather be selfish and safe than rip my heart out, again, just to watch it get trampled on, again.

"People say they love you, but what they mean is, they love how loving you makes them feel about themselves. Or they love what they can take from you."

She had different pain for different reasons. But she really hit the nail on the head about how much love hurts when it's not mutual.

When I came out as gay, that's when I found out my mom never really loved me. She only ever loved who she thought I should be; how she felt good about trying to force expectations on me.

I do love myself, but it's been a long road. I guess sometimes people shift their lives from negative to positive all at once. They have surprising, memorable, benevolent moments where they know all at once that they will be okay, where they stop saying "I can't" and start saying "I can."

The protagonist in this film had one of those moments and I cheered for her. It's really not something someone else can tell you. It really is something you have to find for yourself.

I cheered for her but was also kind of jealous of her. I'm not one for memorable moments. I never really told myself "I can't" but I would always have an inner dialogue of "I wish..."; "If only..."; "I should..."

I'm no stranger to trauma and depression. Sometimes it really does seem like there's no point to anything.

So, I make goals. I balance my long-term goals with my short-term goals and try to get excited about them. I try to turn obligations into opportunities with the power of perspective.

People say anxiety is living in the future and depression is living in the past, but there's more to it than that. Sometimes depression is just a complete disassociation from all things everywhere. That's why I love stories that make me cry. It's like a reminder that there really are things worth fighting for.

I don't understand everything about anorexia, but I understand a lot more about it after watching this film. It seemed like she was very angry and just wanted to hurt herself; got addicted to pain.

She faints at a bus stop at one point. An unkempt stranger, possibly homeless, tries to offer her some food, "You need to eat something, girl." He didn't seem like the kind of person who had a lot of money for anything, but he was right there and willing to help. She says no and moves on. It seems like she just loves saying no to people, to herself, to prove she can. The story ends with hope that she learns how to say yes to health and happiness.

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About the Creator

Russell Brummer

Pansexual Poet

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