This Is A Comedy I Swear

Ashley: 19, ASMRist, 1.3 million subscribers, theater kid, started ASMR before it was cool.

Jack: 24, gamer, just wants to get payed to play games, has no idea how to create one, 3.4 million subscribers

Brendon: 19, vlogger, went viral on vine once, can’t edit their own videos, thinks they’re famous 600k subscribers

Lauren: 22, commentary channel, superiority complex, can’t make it on trending and pretends not to be bitter about it, 1.2 million subscribers

Jamie: 21, self-taught animator, started school late, education major in her sophomore year 300k subscribers.

Act 1

(All characters are on stage. They are illuminated whenever they are speaking and their footage is projected behind them as it would be seen on an actual Youtube video. Comments, when mentioned, are also projected behind them. Subscriber counts are listed.

Ashley sits on the floor in front of a lavish bed. Her room is straight out of Pinterest with overstuffed pillows, white shag rugs, and fairy lights. She records on her iPhone, but has an expensive microphone in front of her. All of her dialogue is whispered. Traditional ASMR. While she speaks she taps on the microphones, flutters fingers, or scratches the microphone.

While she performs, the comment section is also projected behind her. It’s continuously updated with positive comments like: “This cured my insomnia” and “Guys look she’s so pure, I can’t” as well as a few negative comments like “Wtf is this shit?” And “Dude this is some weird shit, you get millions of views on this? I can whisper too sweetie.” Her sub counts goes up slowly. )

Ashley: fluttering her fingers, Hi everyone. My name is Ashley and welcome to my channel. Today’s Sponsored Saturday video is brought to you by ExpressVPN. ExpressVPN is the number 1 trusted leader in VPN. It comes with a 30-day money back guarantee and if you use my link in the description, you get two months free. That’s two free months, guys. Just go to expressvpn.com/ash. Okay? That’s expressvpn.com/ash for two free months. Okay, let’s get into the video.

Lights go out on Ashley. Lights on Jack. He sits in the classic Gamer Chair with three monitors in front of him. We don’t see what he’s playing. He has a full gamer set up with headphones, controllers plugged into his monitors, camera and microphone clipped to the top of one.

While Jack plays, his comment sections is full of positivity agreeing that he is the best at all video games and begging him to shout out their channels. His sub count is rising.

Jack: yelling, playing it up for the camera. His reactions fall in time with sound effects from the game. Oh! Another double kill, watchu got man? I told ya’ll I am the KING of this shit! What, nobody else wants to go? Oh, oh. I’m too quick. Way too quick for ya. I am physically incapable of losing this shit, you guys make it so easy. Come on, give me a challenge!

Jack gets a text, checks it immediately, not bothering to pause the game. Kill shot sound effects.

Hey! That doesn’t count, Jamie texted me! Yo, you guys we’re thinking about doing a collab. What do you guys think of that? Like, she’d animate some game play or some shit, I’m not really sure yet. Would you guys watch that? Let me know in the comments if you want us to collab. Uh, I’m all out of time for today’s recording. Filming again on Thursday where I’ll be live on Twitch, so if you wanna play with me you gotta check out the stream for the room code, okay? Only way to get a chance to play the King. I go live on Twitch every Thursday and then you lovely Youtube people get the video every Friday. Best of both worlds, go find me on Twitch. That’s that, and I’ll see you in the next video. Buh-bye!

Jack hits a key on his keyboard and exciting outro music blasts through the speakers while he waves goodbye to the camera, semi-manically. The music fades out as on the projector we see the cursor select the next video from the suggested column. Lights out on Jack and music stops abruptly as lights go up on Brendon. The projection shows the video buffering. Brendon freezes on stage as well. The cursor clicks refresh and the lights go out on Brendon for a few seconds before the video plays as usual and the lights come back on. Almost everything Brendon says is in a sing-song voice.

Brendon’s comment sections has a lot of negativity with comments like “Okay, so you’re poor but you live in Calabasas? Try again, sweetie.” And “Oh yeah, this one time, something totally common happened but I told the internet about it and got thousands of dollars because teenage girls love me.” His sub count is going down minutely.

Brendon: You asked and you shall receive, I’ve got another story time video for you! Trust me guys this one is Wild. So, I’m not gonna name any names ‘cause I’m polite like that. But here’s what happened. I was out to dinner with a pretty famous celebrity, don’t bother guessing ‘cause I’ll never tell. And the waitress walks up with our drinks, trips, and just dumps like two cokes all over him! Like, isn’t that crazy? Have you ever seen anything like it? Guys, like, this was a fancy place, you have no idea how insane it was that she tripped. Anyway, he needed to change and as you guys know I always keep a spare outfit in my bag. So he ends up in my pink Gucci button down, which was so embarrassing guys, I mean Gucci? It’s so beneath him, he’s way too rich for that. But, like, you guys know I’m broke so what can you do? Anyway, he puts on the spare and, are you ready guys? He tells me, that I can keep his shirt! That’s crazy! I have a celebrity’s shirt guys! Ah! Okay, well, I hope you like this video, guys, and let me know if you want more story time’s in the future. Bye, sweetie!

Lights out on Brendon. Lights up on Jamie. Her sub count doesn’t change. Jamie sits at a simple desk, a drawing tablet in front of her. The projection shows her drawing, working on an animation. The comments read: “I know it takes awhile, but posting once a month is kinda ridiculous.” And “There are other animators that post every week, why don’t you do what they do?” This comment has a reply: “Yeah, but like they have a whole team. I’m pretty sure Jamie does these alone AND she has a day job because ya’ll have been sleeping on her. How is she supposed to post more when she’s only getting like 100k views. She has to go to work too.” And finally: “Yeah, but did you guys see she’s gonna collar with Jack?! She’ll get hella views from that! Last person went from 300k to 1 million with his shoutout!” Jamie looks stressed, and her head is heavily resting on her hand. A mountain of school work and empty energy drink cans are next to her. Lights go out on Jamie and up on Lauren. Her sub count is going up quickly.

Lauren: What is up you guys and welcome back to the tea. So this week we’ll be addressing the Brendon controversy. He has done it yet again you guys, he’s turned the whole internet against him for the third time just this month. When is he just gonna be cancelled you guys? How many times does this have to happen before he finally stops gaining subscribers. We all know he’s problematic, he always has been. If you look at these tweets from his old account in 2013, you’ll see that even then he was making jokes about being poor… from the comfort of his upperclass family’s 400k house. Maybe you don’t have your own money, but if daddy bought you your car and your phone, I don’t want to hear it. We’re cleaning up Youtube, guys. Stop giving people views that they don’t deserve.

Lights down on Lauren.

Act 2

Lights up on Jack and Jamie. They are still in their separate rooms. The projector shows them on a Discord call together. The comments behind them: “Woah, face reveal!” “Guys, I totally go to school with her, she’s an education major, she goes to WSU!!” “OH my god we live in the same building!”

Jack: Hey, guys! Welcome back to the kings channel, like I said, I did a collab with JamieAnimations, we did a whole Pokemon nuzlocke and no, we are not copying Tray, we thought of it first. But Jamie put in the work to animate it! So it took us a little longer to get it out. It’s going live today in just three hours, but until then, I thought it was time for you guys to get to know Jamie a little. Jamie, how’s it going?

Jamie: Uh, hey… yeah, uh good to see you, Jack, haha. Not just a phone call.

She notices the chat.

Uh, guys, no I don’t go to WSU. I’m actually not in college at all.

Chat calls her on the lies and a user posts pictures of her in class and her last name and email. Notifications blow up on Jamie’s phone. Jack starts banning users.

Jack: Guys, we have guidelines here. No personal information in the chat or mods will ban you, no exceptions. So, Jamie, walk me through how you make your videos.

Jamie’s dorm number goes up in the chat. Her subscriber count is passing 1 million.

Jamie: Seriously, guys, I don’t know who you’re doxxing right now, but I don’t live in a dorm. I’m not even in Washington, they’re just trying to get likes.

There’s a knock on Jamie’s door. A fan that we cannot see, but we can hear yells: “I found her! Jamie! I have a letter for you! Will you take a selfie with me! I can’t believe we go to the same school!”

Jamie’s video feed cuts out, on stage she dials a number on her phone, then her lights go out. Only Jack is left illuminated.

Jack: …I don’t really know what to say. Um, we’re gonna go through the chat and anyone that shared info is gonna be banned, uh, no review period. That’s.. that’s just not cool guys. I thought we were done doxxing.

Both sub counts are still rising. The comments read “Hey, I’d give out my address if it meant I got this level of views.” And “What’s the issue, she’s really mad a fan wants to say hi?” The lights go out on Jack.

Lights up on Brendon.

Brendon: Hey, guys! Now, I’m sure you saw my name is trending all over Twitter and of course you read the title here so, well, you know that this is about. Lauren Stellen. Youtube’s favorite reporter. Look, guys, I actually like her videos. I’m usually on her side. And I can admit, that I have a lot of financial priviledge. I’m not rich! My house is actually my dads, I don’t really have much money myself. I’m not one of those elite Youtubers, okay? But you guys were right to call me out, I do have a lot of priviledge. That being said, that’s not the topic of today’s video. Like I said, I like Lauren, I really do. But this has crossed a line. That was not a critique, definitely not a ‘commentary video’. That was hate. She made a hate video about me and then sent all her little minions over to mess with my like ratio and fill my comments with death threats. That’s just not okay you guys, that kind of behavior is so immature and so inappropriate. And it’s not fair to you. Whatever her beef with me, to ask her fans to fill your communities with hate? A lot of you tweeted screenshots of our Discord to me this morning and, guys, I am so sorry that these people are showing you so much disrespect. I can’t say I didn’t see it coming, you guys. I know Lauren outside of Youtube. It’s different for creators ‘cause her fans only see what she posts and she presents herself as this unbiased white knight of Youtube content, but I am her coworker on this platform. I see her at every con and we have the same agent. When I tell you guys that she is the most toxic person on this site, I swear. I’m so sorry it had to be revealed like this, I never wanted that kind of toxicity to be directed at you guys. But you have a right to know that it’s not personal, it’s just how she is. She has a lot of growing to do. Okay, stay positive guys, thank you for all your kind words, and I’ll see you tomorrow. Bye!

Lights out on Brendon, Lights up on Lauren.

Lauren: Hello, boys and girls! We have many many things to discuss. First thing first, and I promise I won’t spend too much time on this, yes I did see Brendon’s video about me. You can stop tagging me in it now guys. Now, I did see that a lot of people that watched my video did then seek of Brendon fan sites and harass the people on there. That’s just not okay, you guys. Especially because a lot of his audience is younger. Let the children like who they like, our only discourse should be with Brendon specifically, okay? That said, also don’t send him hate. You can leave criticism and opinions, but the death threats are unacceptable. Bottom line. Okay? Okay. Moving on. We need to talk about Jamie Animations. This is absolute bullshit. She got doxxed? Who even does that anymore? Just when I think the internet is finally growing up, we go back to leaking addresses? For those of you who are unaware: two days ago JamieAnimations, at the time a very small channel but currently at 1.3 millions subscribers, wen Ton a live chat with Jack, yes that Jack. This video call was also Jamie’s face reveal. Her channel is entirely animated and not linked to any social media, so up until this point, no one knew who she was. A mere two minutes in to the chat, some people from her school recognized her and posted photos of her, her phone number, and her address in the chat! And of course, because some people on this site are major monsters, not only did her notifications blow up, not only did her family start getting messages, but someone actually showed up to her dorm! The last video of her that we have seen shows her calling someone, presumably building security while some crazy fan bangs on her door. In the couple days since then, her videos have been blowing up. But, her family has had to contact the police seven separate times for trespassers and Jamie has completely privated all her social media accounts. You guys…. Why’d you have to go and ruin it like that? The commenters that posted her info are apparently going to face a fine if Jamie decides to press chargers. They have also been banned from Jack’s community pages. So, at least we get even more evidence that Jack is the least problematic creator on this hell site. This is a perfect example with the number one problem on Youtube. Live chats are almost impossible to monitor perfectly. I’m sure Jack has mods and bots set up, and he apparently even had a ban on doxxing in place. But they got around it so easily, you guys. All they had to do to post the address was make it a picture instead of typing it in the chat. The bot couldn’t see anything wrong with it like that. But now that he knows, Jack had to ban all photos from chat too. Just another way that these children keep ruining fan pages for everyone. Guys… just think before you post okay? She was a real person, with a real future on Youtube. At this point, I wouldn’t be that surprised if her channel gets privated next. Lauren, out.

Lights out on Lauren. Lights up on Ashley. She is clearly dressed as Brendon. Her video title reads: ASMR: POV You’re a creator and you just got cancelled… AGAIN. As she begins filming, she drips fake tears on her face, and sniffles a bit while clearly still trying to look attractive. Her makeup is designed to make her look tired and distraught.

Ashley: finger flutters. Hi everyone and welcome back to my channel. This video is sponsored by Raid: Shadow Legends. Coolest game ever, and free to download on any mobile device doesn’t matter if it’s Android or iphone. If you use the link in the description you get a free membership pack with things like free upgrades, just released skins, and a chance to win 100 dollars worth of power-ups. Now, let’s get into the video. This one’s a little different than usual, we’re gonna try a little roleplaying today. I think you’ll know who I’m talking about. Alright, let’s get started. “Hi, guys. I’m sorry I didn’t get dressed up for today’s video. It just didn’t feel right. I didn’t have the energy. Everything has been so complicated ever since that hate video. I just… you guys have to understand. I know I called her a fat-ass ugly-ass bitch, but I was just in shock! It was my first hate video and I was hurt. I took it really personally. You guys don’t know what it’s like to have the whole world watching you. And I know I was in the wrong. Even about the video too! She was so right to make that video about me. I owe you guys the biggest apology and I’m so grateful you guys are willing to forgive me. I really messed up.

Comments come in quickly: “HAHA! Girl, this is too real!” And “Catch me checking the comments to make sure this really is fake. Genius, sweetie! I can name at least video vloggers you sound like right now, lmaooooo.”

I know I can be really crazy sometimes. But that’s what you guys like about me! You know I’m never fake with you, or with anyone! You will always know how I feel about something, no matter what. And I know that got me in trouble this time. I was super wrong to react like that. But sometimes I just forget that it’s not all a skit, right? Like you guys are always asking me for more story times and really dramatic stuff, so it’s hard not to always want to deliver. I was just trying to what’s best for you guys and make sure I give the best content I can. Everything I do is always for you guys, and I promise I’ll be better in the future. Click like and consider subscribing so you can join me on this self-improvement journey. My Patreon is linked below, there I will posting exclusive content like: excerpts from my journal. You might even get more details about this whole drama! And maybe a couple call-outs? Only one way to find out. Okay, love you guys, bye!

Act 3

Jamie is no longer on stage, her entire room is gone, like it was never there to begin with. Brendon’s room is still on stage but he is not. The others remain the same. Lights up on Jack who is playing a video game. It’s a relaxed, story based one. It is clear that he is distracted. He has a live chat up on his second monitor. The comments are almost exclusively about Jamie.

Jack: So, interesting fact about this game, it looks pretty polished but it’s actually an indie release. I got it on Steam for just three dollars. I can’t remember who made it, but if you scroll back to the beginning of this video, I’m sure you can figure it out. I do know that the whole game was made by only five people. And two of them were exclusively voice actors. That’s absolutely insane guys…. I mean look at these graphics….

He’s getting more and more distracted by the chat.

Look… guys.. I already said I’m not gonna talk about it, okay? There are plenty of commentary videos that’ll break it down for you, but I’m not taking part in that. If she wants off social media, I’m not gonna keep bring her up.

Is fully ignoring the game to keep up with chat.

Hey, I don’t think that’s fair! I wasn’t my fault. And it wasn’t hers either. The only people in trouble here are the ones that decided to dox her in the first place. She didn’t do anything, that was uncalled for…..

….

Well, so what if she was hiding her face? Do you guys have any idea what it’s like to get recognized everywhere? I feel like I gotta dress up all the time now. I can’t imagine what it’s like for her with all her insecurities.

Chat blows up at that. It’s a flurry of comments all reading things like: “Insecure?”, “guys, I told you she’s got an ed!”, “dumbasses, it was so obviously in her fast food video, she’s totally anorexic.”, “didn’t you guys notice how thin she was on stream, she needs an intervention.”, “where are her parents? Someone needs to get her instutionalized.” Jack stares in disbelief. Chat is moving too fast for him to respond, but it doesn’t matter. He knows the damage is already done. He drops his controller on the counter and hangs his head in his hands. Lights out. Lights on Lauren.

Lauren: Welcome back for more of the tea, you guys. So, in this week’s wrap up of epic drama, out of the woodwork comes ASMRist Ashley to shame Brendon for all eternity! And I know, she has said a thousand times that she wasn’t mocking him. Apparently she was teasing the whole apology video trend, definitely not anyone specific. But… come on… we know it was about Brendon. It’s all in the timing. He lashes out at me for exposing his damage and then tries to brush it off, calling me a hate channel? And a couple days later, Ashely makes an apology role play? That is not a coincidence, you guys. And now Brendon has overreacted to yet another healthy critique of him, and is- and I quote- “taking a break of the community.” What?? What even is that?? It’s your career, honey. As long as your Patreon is still raking in a few thousand a month, then you don’t get a break. Sorry, not sorry. You just don’t. You owe us some content, sweetie. And if you can’t handle a little teasing… well, you probably shouldn’t have joined YouTube in the first place. In other news, unfortunately my prediction came true… Jamie has deleted her channel. You did it! You bullied another creator straight off the internet! Congratulations! Do we all feel better now? Next time, why don’t we just let people stay anonymous, huh? The men get away with it all the time, especially in the reddit compilations. I know none of you know who Reddit Historian really is. And I bet no one’s tried nearly as hard to find him as they did Jamie. Wanna know why? He’s not a girl. And that means that all the little neckbeards here don’t know how to harass him. They don’t know how to bully, and manipulate, and pressure male creators into feeling obligated to share that side of them. You all just let them live. Shame on you guys. Just a shame.

Lights out on Lauren. Lights up Ashley. She’s dressed for a real apology video. No makeup, sweatpants and a ratty sweater. She sit’s crossed legged on her bed. The video title reads: Real Apology: not ASMR. She still uses her performing voice and whispers her apology. While this video is not sponsored. It’s clear that ads are set up. A mid roll and an end. She clearly wants to make rent off of this one.

Ashley: Hi, guys. First off, yes, I see the irony here. But I mean this one, okay? I know we all thought my video was funny, and maybe it could have been at another time. But, in light of recent events, I can see that that was really tone deaf of me. And.. well, I’m sorry. I never meant to hurt anyone, especially not Brendon. I actually know him in real life by the way, guys. We have some mutual friends and usually meet up at Vidcon. Um, my video really, really, truly was not about him. But he reached out to me, because, yeah, I can see now how it seemed like it was addressing him. Anyway, he reached out and he told me that it’s okay and he knows that it was never about him. He knows me better than that. Guys, if you really knew me, you’d know that I would never do that to someone. I’m not a drama channel, it really was just lighthearted teasing. I would never brush off like real issues like that. I don’t usually put my foot in my mouth like that, and I promise it will never happen again. I know now that it’s not cute, it’s not funny, it’s just really cruel to make light of a situation like that. Super unprofessional of me, and I can promise it’ll never happen again. Sponsored Saturday this week is actually going to be about bullying too. All the proceeds from my next video will go to preventing bullying in the United States. So, please, please, please, guys, like and subscribe so you can help me make this right.

Lights out. End.