The Wrong Missy

Brief synopsis: After suffering a traumatic blind date experience, a single man encounters the woman of his dreams a few months later whilst on his way to a cross-state meeting. High jinx ensues when he mistakenly ends up asking the former blind date to accompany him on a work retreat instead of the woman of his dreams.

Is it any good?: No. Fifty-two people have somehow managed to give this a six on IMDB. I can only believe that they all worked on the film. This film is shockingly bad and not particularly funny, a bare minimum for a comedy. I suppose it was always going to be a tall ask if you put David Spade in the lead role.

Spoiler territory: Tim Morris (David Spade) walks into a bar and is messaged by his blind date. She tells him she is at the bar but is getting bothered by a guy. Tim spots a woman at the bar speaking to a burly guy and approaches.

He taps the woman on the shoulder and she turns to him. She is pregnant. Hilarious, obviously. Tim ploughs on, telling her that their table is ready. The guy asks him what he is doing? The woman is with him. Tim says to him that he does not want to make a scene. The man stands up and - big shock - towers over Tim. As he threatens to pound Tim, another woman interrupts.

Melissa (Lauren Lapkus) says she is the real date, saving Tim from a beating. As they make their way to the table, Melissa tells him she deliberately sent him to the large guy as an ice-breaker and to test him. She, who prefers to be called Missy - hence the ‘brilliant’ title - thinks it is hilarious. As do we.

Missy is…odd. An extrovert and gregarious, she talks nonstop, her verbal diatribe oblivious to the reactions of other people. Missy continues to babble on at the increasingly confused Tim. She tells him that they are perfect for one another because his grandmother told her so.

When Tim tells her that he does not drink, Missy assumes it is because he is a recovering alcoholic. Tim tries to tell her different. She pursues random reasoning as to why he does not drink. She switches her attention back to how perfect they are for one another. She then initiates a one-sided argument with the big guy at the bar, telling him that Tim is going to beat him up.

Tim makes an excuse and disappears to the bathroom. In the bathroom, he is caught by Missy as he tries to climb out of the window. He tells her he was going to come back into the restaurant, through the front entrance, to surprise her. This explanation is good enough for Missy and she leaves the bathroom. Tim falls out of the window and dislocates his ankle.

Missy, who is an expert at so many random things, resets his ankle. Three months later, a still single Tim is at work. His friend from the HR department, Nate (Nick Swardson), comes and tells him that he has news about the merger. Someone has been let go and he is in line for a promotion. His only competition is Jess, who is nicknamed the barracuda because….because it is funny...somehow.

Also, Tim’s ex-fiancée, Julia (Sarah Chalke), is going to be at the work retreat with her new boyfriend Rich (Chris Witaske). Tim tells him that since it is mandatory to go to the retreat, he will just have to accept it. Nate tries to tell him he needs to start dating again. Tim heads to the airport for a work trip.

Whilst walking through the airport, he bumps into a woman and both drop their belongings. As they exchange apologies, Tim is taken by her beauty. They gather their things and head to their respective gates. At the gate, Tim realises he has the wrong boarding card and goes to find the woman he bumped into.

At the other gate, he meets Melissa (Molly Sims), who is waiting for him at the gate having also realised that she had the wrong boarding pass. The two have a drink and find they have a lot in common, really getting along well. They get along so well that they almost get amorous in a cleaning closet but are stopped by her needing to catch her flight.

Tim gives her his phone number and she sends her number to him. He catches his flight and is alone in his hotel room reading when he decides he wants to text her. He sends her a message and gets an immediate reply.

They keep texting through the evening. Later, Tim is in bed watching television and she texts. What is he wearing? Pyjamas. She asks for a dick pic. He is not sure but sends her the picture.

The next day, back in the office, Nate, who is privy to every aspect of Tim’s digital life - because of the hilarity that brings to the film - comments on his dick pics. He wants to see a picture of Melissa so they go and find her on the internet.

It turns out, she was a beauty queen in Maryland. Jess comes over to the two men. She tells them that when she becomes president they won’t be able to get away with so much.

Nate says to Tim that he has to invite Melissa to the retreat in Hawaii. He invites her and she accepts. Nate tells him that he will get them seated next to one another on the plane. On the plane, a nervous Tim is waiting for Melissa to turn up.

He has bought her flowers and has groomed himself for the occasion. Missy turns up. She is in the seat next to him and is just as wild and crazy as the last time they met. Tim realises he has been messaging the wrong Melissa. He is about to tell her that but she tells him she was about to jump off of a bridge when he texted her and so saved her life.

Missy gives Tim a dog tranquilliser because….it’s in the script? He wakes up to her giving him a handjob mid-flight. Tim is a little perturbed. The plane hits some turbulence, causing Tim to ejaculate and the laughs keep coming.

They get to Hawaii and as they go to check into the hotel, Missy ends up in an argument with three children who she swears at and verbally abuses. So there is that. They run into Tim’s ex, Julia, and her partner, Rich, at the reception. Missy notes the sexual energy between Julia and Tim. Rich, helpfully, tells her that they were engaged.

They go to the room and Tim tries to broach the subject of his mix up but Missy does not stop talking. Tim has to go to the company mixer, so leaves her in the room. At the mixer, their new boss, Winstone (Geoff Pierson), addresses all of the staff. He tells them he wants to meet all of them and their partners.

Tim tells Nate about his text mistake. Nate introduces Tim to Winstone, who immediately calls him Jim. What a card. Nate has been talking up Tim’s girlfriend, thinking he was bringing Melissa. He tells Tim that Winstone’s wife was Miss Texas. Winstone boasts how she was formally the girlfriend of Evander Holyfield. A strange boast indeed.

Tim tells the gathered that Missy is feeling poorly and probably will not be around. She immediately makes an appearance in a rainbow sequinned dress. Tim takes her to one side and asks her to tone down her exuberance. Nate comes to find him later and asks him to stop Missy as she is fortune-telling all of the employees in the company.

Tim stops her doing that but she goes on to party harder than anybody else in attendance. Later in the day, as Tim tries to bond with Winstone, he is told that Missy is going to dive off of a cliff. He goes and tries to stop her. She tells him that everyone thinks she is an expert diver and, as there are no diving boards, she will just have to dive off of a cliff.

Tim tells her that she should not do it. She jumps off the cliff and crashes into the rocks and trees and hits the sand below. Unfortunately, she does not die and the film continues. Tim takes a drunken Missy back to the hotel room and puts her on the bed. He lays on the bed next to her and is woken up in the middle of the night to her riding him violently.

Tim sneaks out of the room the next morning, going to a work’s yacht excursion hoping to see sharks. Missy comes running as the boat is casting off and jumps into the water and swims to the boat. The captain of the yacht is Komante (Rob Schneider).

Winstone asks Tim to come down into the shark tank with him. Missy goads him into going into there tank even though he is reluctant. His reluctance is because he is claustrophobic.

Komante tests his oxygen tank, putting the breathing apparatus in his mouth multiple times. It’s supposedly funny. The two men go into the cage. Missy finds some chum to throw into the water, even though there is a sign to not do that. Komante fights with her, trying to wrest the bucket of chum from her. It spills on Missy and she vomits over the shark cage. This causes a shark to come. Yes, yes it does.

The shark attacks. Tim escapes back to the yacht. Komante, whose hand is disfigured from a shark attack, punches the shark. Winstone is pulled out of the water, half-drowned. Missy revives him because she is an expert in CPR. obviously. Tim and Missy argue and she storms off. Melissa texts Tim.

Back at the hotel, Tim tells Missy he has to go to a meeting about the show he has to do as part of the weekend. She goes to the spa. Tim tells Nate that Missy went to the spa with his neighbour. Nate tells him that their neighbour is Winstone. She has gone with Barbara (Arlene Newman), his wife. Tim goes to try and stop her but is too late.

Tim wants to find out what Missy said to Barbara. She tells him she is a qualified marriage guidance councillor. Tim says she might need help as she wanted to jump off of a bridge. She tells him that she was bungee jumping. She tells him that she told Barbara to leave her husband. He informs her that Barbara is his boss’ wife.

Missy goes to talk to Winstone in the pool and ends up injuring him. She tells him she is a chiropractor and goes to his room to help him. Tim thinks he is going to get fired and prepares to leave for Portland. Missy tells him she has smoothed things over. She tells him that Winstone loves him.

It is the evening show time and Tim and Jess have competing shows. Tim goes on first and the show is terrible but Winstone loves it. Missy tells Tim that she hypnotised him into thinking Tim is his grandmother and hating Jess. Tim’s evening goes really well and he and Missy are beginning to get on, him seeing her in a different light.

Julia comes to see Tim but meets Missy. The two women bond. When Tim returns, Missy offers Tim the chance for a threesome. As the three get amorous, Tim and Missy keep accidentally excluding Julia by hitting her every time she approaches them. It is truly hilarious to somebody but not if you’re watching the film. Julia leaves unnoticed.

The next morning, Tim and Missy go for a walk on the beach. Tim gets the promotion due to Missy’s hypnotism. An angry Jess tells Missy that she is only there by mistake. A morose Missy sees the texts on Tim’s phone and decides to leave. Tim tries to catch her but meets Melissa in the foyer.

They go to dinner and he gets drunk and walks on his hands falling out of the window. He dislocates his ankle and tells Melissa he thinks he is falling in love with Missy. Tim returns to Portland. He tries to text Missy but she refuses to talk to him. He breaks Winstone trance and loses his job.

Tim sets up another blind date and accidentally sends her to Vanilla Ice - playing himself - as a joke. Tim steps in and tells her he sent the text. Ice tells her he did. They get back together. The end.

Final thoughts: The Wrong Missy is poor. It is not the worse comedy I have seen - step forward Handsome, The Spy Who Dumped Me and the truly awful The Little Hours - but that does not mean one should watch it. David Spade is not a lead actor or even a lead. He has been in a lot of comedy, none of it particularly high brow but he has been an amusing sidekick or secondary character in many shows and projects.

Spade is required to carry this film and it is just too awful and hefty a burden to bear. Lauren Lapkus is believable as the truly irritating and borderline psychotic Missy but is just wasted in this one-toned farce - and I don’t mean ‘farce’ in a good way!

Written by Chris Pappas and Kevin Barnett, The Wrong Missy is a mess of a film that cannot decide what kind of funny it wants to be. None of the humour works, visual or written. Spade’s Tim finds himself accosted by the crazy Lapkus’ Missy, a premise that has been utilised in much better comedies before, Bringing Up Baby to name one such classic.

What made those work so well, besides a far superior script and better pacing, was that the only characters who were unusual or eccentric were the central ones. In The Wrong Missy, most of the characters are foolish, playing it for comedic effect. Directed by Tyler Spindel, the direction is okay. It is not good and does not aid the ‘comedy’ at all.

At ninety minutes long, The Wrong Missy - haw haw, great title. No - is not a long film, yet I still had to pause it halfway through to take a mental break from the torture of it. Somehow, it has managed to garner a six point score on IMDB. Three would have been generous. I gave it a two and that is only because it does not overstay its welcome. Do not watch this film.