The Three Mean Little Pigs

This are-write of The Three Little Pigs that I wrote in 6th Grade. I recall that it was a school project where I had to re-write a classic fairy tale. There are some edits just to make the story a bit easier to read, but for the most part I've left the grammar, wording, and concepts as they were. This is just a ridiculous, silly, good-natured fairy tale, as told by Bernard Anthony Dean Wolf. So sit back, have a laugh, and enjoy.

"Hello, My name is Bernard Anthony Dean, but please, do not call me B-A-D. Just call me me Bernie or Bernard. Well, anyway, I got into this big mess and I have to clean it up fast. It all started this morning..."

"Mmmmm...that was the most delicious breakfast of onions, broccoli, chocolate, cheese, and caramel ever." I breathed into my hand and sniffed. "Eww...my breath smells disgusting," I said disgustedly as I looked for a toothbrush, particularly my toothbrush and not Linda's. "Linda Red Riding Hood, [Little Red Riding Hood's older sister and my girlfriend] will be mad if I do not find my toothbrush! Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh, quadruple uh-oh." I sat to think. "I know, I'll go ask Johnny A. Pig if he has a toothbrush I can borrow."

So, off to Johnny's I went. "Hello? johnny? Johnny A. Pig? Are you home? Hello?"

"Go away, you...you...you...you bad wolf!"

How insulting."I just wanted to...to...to..."

"To what?"

All the sudden I got a twitch in my nose. "Aaah...aaah...aaah...CHOO!" I sneezed so hard I blew Johnny A. Pig's house of straw down to the ground. I had forgotten I was allergic to straw. "I'm sorry, Johnny..."

"You dumb onion-limburger-cheese-breath-smelling wolf!"

Johnny! WAIT! I NEED TO BORROW A--" my voice dropped from a shout to its normal voice, "toothbrush".

"Oh well, I'll go see Sara The Pig," I said to myself, hoping to cheer myself up. So, off I went.

"Sara?Sara The Pig?" Are you home? Can I borrow a toothbrush?"

"Don't answer, Sara, he blew my house down. And his breath stinks," I heard Johnny A. Pig whisper.

"No, you blew down Johnny's house and I could not care less if Linda Red Riding Hood screamed her head off about your disgusting tuna-smelling breath."

Now that was just rude. I'm a vegetarian. How dare she say that! "But...but..."

"Oh, do be quiet!"

Then I had another twitch in my nose, guess why. Yup, you guessed it. I'm allergic to cedar twigs too.

"Aaah...aaah...aaah...CHOO!" Sara didn't take it too well.

"Did you just blow my house down like you did to Johnny's!?" Sara shouted. "You onion-broccoli-cheese-chocolate-and-caramel-breath-stinking wolf!"

"I'm sorry, I'm allergic to...aah..."

"RUN, JOHNNY!"

"CHOO! But Sara!" I figured maybe I should go see Rodney B. A. Pig. I marched over to his house of bricks, I was allergic to that too. "Rodney? I lost my toothbrush, can I borrow yours?"

"NO!"

"Please?"

"NO!"

"Just this once, please?"

"O.K. maybe if you give me your shoes."

"O.K."

"Thank you."

I hadned Rodney my shoes. "Now can I have a toothbrush?"

"NO!"

"Please?"

"NO!"

"Pretty please?"

"If you giveme your shirt."

"If I give it to you, can I use a toothbrush?"

"Maybe, maybe."

"Fine, here."

"Aaah...aaah...aaah...CHOO!"

"Fprget it. I'm calling the police."

"Why?"

"First Johnny's house, then Sara's, now MINE!?"

Beeeeeep! Beeeeeep! Sure enough down the road came a police car. "Bid Bad Wolf? Step away from the pig. I repeat, step away from the pig!"

Just as I stepped away, Rodney put two pillows in my shirt, stuck it on me, and pushed me. That's how I got here yous see. I told the police and this is how it ended...

"Bernard A. Dean you say?" asked a policeman.

"No, he's B-A-D!" Rodney cried out. "And he ate Johnny A. Pig and Sara The Pig, my brother and sister!"

"Oh really?"

"I did not! I'm a vegetarian!"

"Then why are you so fat, onion-breath?"

"You stuck a pillow in my shirt. See..." I tried pulling it off but I soon found out it was super-glued. So I cut a hole in my shirt. "Rodney, what's my favorite food? Chocolate, right?" I thought I might quiz him to catch him in his lie.

"Yes..."

"You have a brother and sister, right?"

"Yes..."

"They are in your house, right?"

"Yes..." he answered realizing only too late what he had done.

"Rodney, would you mind of we took a look in your house?"

Sure enough, they found Johnny and Sara in Rodney's house and the police did not press charges."

"WOW! What a great story! This will go straight to the press and national T.V." said the news reporter.

"Really?"

A car door slammed. "Bernie? Oh, Bernie. I got you a new toothbrush!"

"What?"

"Well, your old toothbrush was all gross and smelled like raw onions. So I got you a caramel flavored toothbrush. I meant to call. I was only going to tell you that I threw your old one away."

"Oh."

"Now, go brush your teeth, you Big Bad Wolf, you!" trilled Linda.

And all was well. Until Linda Red Riding Hood threw out the caramel flavored toothbrush because it was getting old...

THE END